If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

“Is this your first exhibition?”

 

“No. When I was young, my mother took me to one.”

 

That was unexpected. He thought she had been confined to the mansion since she was born. Eleanor didn’t say anything more, and Daryl didn’t ask further.

 

Suddenly, Eleanor seemed to discover something and walked towards one side of the wall. Daryl quietly followed her.

 

The place Eleanor arrived at was in front of a painting by William Bradshaw. Bradshaw was a famous artist known for his delicate and lyrical landscape paintings.

 

“Do you like Bradshaw?”

 

“When I was young… I liked him.”

 

“So you mean you don’t now?”

 

“…..”

Eleanor hesitated to answer.

 

The exhibition that her mother took her to was also a personal exhibition hosted by Bradshaw. He was famous for his active social activities beyond his artistic activities as the youngest of a wealthy noble family. Knowing that Eleanor was so into Bradshaw, she took her there.

 

In retrospect, it must have been a very courageous choice for her as a mother. After her father’s death, she had been living in seclusion in the mansion, avoiding social circles. It must have been a decision made out of a combination of guilt for her daughter, who had no choice but to participate in such a life against her will, and a desire to do something motherly for her. The only thing Eleanor showed talent and interest in besides painting was nothing else.

 

But in the end, it would have been better not to go.

 

At first, she was quite excited. It was indescribably thrilling to go on a long outing with her mother for the first time, and to see Bradshaw’s paintings in person, which she had only seen in black and white in newspapers and painting collections.

 

But that was only for a moment. She still remembered clearly. The people who kept whispering at Eleanor and her mother, and the hostile words that were mixed in with the words she couldn’t hear well.

 

Her mother’s hand, which she was holding, gradually became damp with cold sweat, and later, her complexion became so bad that she couldn’t concentrate on looking at the paintings.

 

[Let’s go home, mother. I want to go home.]

 

Upon hearing Eleanor’s words, her mother looked very sad with a weary face.

 

[…I’m sorry, Nor.]

 

She didn’t want to make her mother make that face again. She didn’t want to hear her apologize to her in that voice.

 

After that day, Eleanor no longer liked Bradshaw’s paintings.

 

Looking at his painting again after leaving those memories behind, she realized that she had been quite influenced by Bradshaw without knowing it. Eleanor gave a bitter smile. It was strange and bitter. The fact that something she once liked and then disliked remained in her in some form.

 

While Eleanor was looking at the exhibits, Daryl remained silent except for a few questions. Judging by the fact that he didn’t look around on his own, it seemed like he was considerate enough to let Eleanor quietly appreciate the artwork.

 

‘…Why did he arrange this place for me today?’

 

At first, she thought it was a whim that he had somehow indulged in. When Eleanor said she didn’t like crowded places, Daryl insisted that it was just an excuse, and so she found herself in a situation where she had to take responsibility for her words.

 

But Daryl was different today. It wasn’t a drastic change that she could pinpoint, but he was definitely not the same as usual. At least he hadn’t said a single word of his usual sarcastic remarks today. Even after entering the exhibition hall, he prioritized Eleanor with gentlemanly consideration.

 

[The Master may say that, but he thinks a lot about you. He feels sorry for leaving you alone in the mansion. It’s just that he’s clumsy at expressing it, so please understand.]

 

It was what Herbert had said when he came to her room before they left today.

 

[Didn’t he arrange a place for you to see quietly because you said you were reluctant to go to crowded places today? If he didn’t care about you, he would never have bothered to do such a thing. I’ve been serving him since he was born. Trust me.]

 

Despite his earnest words, Eleanor didn’t believe him. In fact, she’s not even half-convinced now. The wounds she had received from Daryl so far were that deep. She had experienced several times when he showed a caring side for her, only to pour out cruel and cold words the next moment.

 

‘After all, it doesn’t matter. He’s someone I won’t see again after just over half a year…’

 

It was better not to expect anything than to get hurt again. It was undoubtedly wise to consider this current demeanor as a momentary whim.

 

“There are a lot of Bradshaw’s paintings.”

 

To clear her confused mind, Eleanor spoke to Daryl.

 

“He’s a popular artist. He’s also very prolific.”

 

“Do you have an interest in art? I heard from Herbert that you learned to paint when you were young.”

 

“That’s old news. I don’t have any interest beyond business or culture.”

 

“I see.”

 

Eleanor didn’t say anything more.

 

In fact, Daryl still wanted to ask her about her portrait. In fact, there was no reason for him to hesitate. If he was curious, he could just ask. That’s what he had always done, no matter what or who it was. But why was he hesitating now? He couldn’t understand it himself.

 

While strolling slowly through the exhibition hall and looking at the artworks one by one, Eleanor’s footsteps stopped in front of a certain painting.

 

It was a work by Marcus Miller.

 

It was the first time Daryl had seen the painting. It was a landscape painting depicting a field where the harvest was half over. Despite its very ordinary theme, it felt unusually deep. Why did the painter paint such a common and ubiquitous landscape so lonely and desolate?

 

Eleanor was also looking at the painting with a strange look in her eyes.

 

“Do you like it?”

 

At Daryl’s question, Eleanor looked at him as if surprised.

 

“Huh? No…”

 

“Come to think of it, you paid close attention to Marcus Miller’s painting before.”

 

The painting that he received as a wedding gift from Prince Aaron was now hanging in the Lilac Room’s reception room.

 

“…..”

 

Eleanor looked puzzled for some reason. Daryl glanced at her and then continued speaking.

 

“You can hang that painting in the Hibiscus Room if you want.”

 

“Huh? No, you don’t have to do that.”

 

Eleanor quickly replied and then moved her feet towards another painting with an awkward look. Daryl looked at her with a puzzled look and then followed her.

 

After touring the exhibition hall slowly for about an hour, Eleanor and Daryl came out. Then they received Scofield’s hospitality and had tea. Eleanor shared her detailed impressions of the artworks she had just seen in the exhibition hall. Scofield was very proud of Eleanor’s praise, and at the same time, he praised her for her discerning eye in viewing the artworks.

 

Despite mentioning all the works she saw today in detail, Eleanor did not mention one person, Marcus Miller. It was clear that Marcus Miller was a meaningful artist to her. Either she liked him very much, or she disliked him very much. Daryl thought it must be one of the two.

 

****

 

Viscount Scofield bid farewell to the Duke and Duchess, expressing his wish to invite them for a meal next time. When Daryl didn’t respond, Eleanor quickly intervened before the atmosphere became awkward, saying they would definitely come if invited. Then the Viscount’s expression brightened again.

 

“Did you mean that?”

 

Daryl asked in the carriage on the way back.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean the dinner invitation. Do you really plan to go?”

 

“Considering the kindness Viscount Scofield has shown us, of course.”

 

“Do you think you owe him?”

 

“You could say that.”

 

“Even if you do owe him, it’s my debt. You don’t need to worry about it.”

 

Eleanor didn’t respond. Daryl looked at her for a moment and then turned his head to the window.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Suddenly, Eleanor spoke, and Daryl looked at her again.

 

“I really enjoyed today, thanks to you. Thank you for taking care of me in many ways.”

 

Eleanor still had a calm and composed expression without a smile, but there was a clear and transparent sincerity in her eyes looking at Daryl. Looking into her eyes, he felt a strange emotion stirring in his heart.

 

“…It’s nothing. What’s the big deal.”

 

He blurted out awkwardly. If Herbert had been there, he would have definitely sighed.

 

“It was a big deal to me.”

 

“…..”

 

“I think I’ll be able to cherish it as a good memory.”

 

At her quiet words, he felt strangely moved. Daryl opened his mouth hesitantly.

 

“…It’s not like today is the last day. If you happen to have time next time, you can go again… There are many similar exhibitions.”

 

“That’s okay. Once today is enough.”

 

“Why?”

 

At his somewhat agitated question, Eleanor didn’t answer. She just shook her head a few times, looking down quietly.

 

‘Because I don’t want to hope.’

 

She swallowed the words she couldn’t say.