If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

After that, she didn’t know how she parted with Daryl, or how she returned from the Duke’s residence to Loud. She hardly remembered anything after the kiss with Daryl. Yet, the touch of the kiss they shared was so vivid that it didn’t fade no matter how much time passed.

 

She doesn’t know how many times she blushed alone in her room, or how many times she cooled the heat on her cheeks with the back of her hand. She couldn’t figure out how it happened.

 

‘I definitely didn’t mean to do that. Really…’

 

Eleanor absentmindedly touched her lips. Feeling a slight swelling than usual, her face heated up again. Eleanor already knew that Daryl still loved her deeply. He didn’t hide it in his words, his gaze, or his expressions. But she had clearly told him that she couldn’t accept his feelings. How did it come to this?

 

The Daryl that Eleanor had seen over the past four years was completely different from the man she knew. At first, she thought it was her misunderstanding or a false image. But not anymore. Looking back, Daryl was cold and cruel for only a year. She had seen his changed appearance for several times longer than that.

 

Eleanor believed that Daryl would no longer betray or hurt her. It wasn’t a fact that she realized consciously or thoughtfully. She only realized it when she accepted his kiss today. She had completely forgiven Daryl. And slowly, her heart was also moving with the same feelings towards him.

 

She didn’t know how far this feeling towards Daryl would go, or where it would end up. But she wanted to give it a chance. To Daryl, and to herself.

 

***

 

At that moment, Daryl returned to the library in the northern garden after seeing Eleanor off. He couldn’t believe that what had just happened was real. He had had similar dreams several times before.

 

Dreams of being with Eleanor like an ordinary lover, like an ordinary couple, laughing together, touching each other, and sharing love. It was a dream that he couldn’t even dare to have a few years ago.

 

He had started having such dreams about a year ago. When he woke up from those dreams, he felt a deep sense of regret. The only reason Eleanor hadn’t cut off her relationship with Daryl was purely because of her affection and consideration for him.

 

Yet, he couldn’t help but inflame his own unconscious expectations. Nothing had changed. Daryl still didn’t deserve Eleanor’s love. That thought hadn’t changed. So, even after impulsively exploring Eleanor’s lips and sharing his heart with her, he couldn’t be sure that it had happened in reality. That’s why he returned to the library.

 

There, Eleanor’s new portrait of Daryl was still there. Standing in front of the seat where Eleanor had sat, he touched the backrest she had leaned on and embraced the illusion of her in his arms before he could feel that it wasn’t a dream.

 

It was right there that he had made Eleanor’s lips his own, invaded her tender insides, and passionately desired her. But the most unbelievable thing wasn’t the kiss itself. It was what Eleanor had said afterwards.

 

[If that’s the reason, you don’t need to regret or apologize. I don’t… regret it either.]

 

As he remembered Eleanor, who had blushed and spoken in a small voice, he felt a renewed tension in the center of his body. He had never experienced such intense desire or overflowing happiness before.

 

The woman he had worshiped and longed for had accepted him. There couldn’t be a greater miracle in the world.

 

Daryl sat in the seat where Eleanor had sat and washed his face with trembling hands. But the joy didn’t last long. Soon, Daryl’s pupils, which had appeared between his fingers, were deeply clouded. Even if Eleanor had forgiven all of Daryl’s sins, there was one thing that could never be forgiven. It was his father, Frederick’s, crime.

 

Eleanor still didn’t know. She didn’t know that it was Frederick who had caused the carriage accident that had taken the lives of her father and relatives. She didn’t know that she and her mother had to endure a lifetime of terrible mourning and blame because of Frederick’s attempt to alleviate his guilt.

 

After learning the truth, Daryl had agonized endlessly over whether it was right to reveal the truth or to cover it up. In the end, he couldn’t bear the thought of Eleanor suffering another shock and wound because of him. Eleanor was so grateful to Frederick that she had decided to marry a man she didn’t love. When she finally completed the contract and left for Loud, she looked extremely happy. But if she were to find out that the man she considered her benefactor was actually her enemy, Daryl couldn’t even imagine how she would feel.

 

He had already caused Eleanor too much pain. He couldn’t muster the courage to shatter the happiness she had barely regained. He still didn’t know. Which was the right choice. What was the choice that Daryl wouldn’t regret?

 

But one thing was clear. He couldn’t continue to be with Eleanor while pretending not to know the truth.

 

From that day on, Daryl spent several sleepless days and nights pondering. But the truth was already decided from the beginning. It just took time to make the decision.

 

He could no longer run away, saying that he was no longer worthy of Eleanor’s love. Because once Eleanor accepted Daryl’s heart, it became nothing more than deception and escape. He couldn’t even imagine what expression Eleanor would make after hearing the truth, what she would say to him. It felt like he was falling into the abyss.

 

But he couldn’t avoid it. Even if Eleanor never forgives him this time, even if he can never see her again, he had to accept it.

 

****

Eleanor was anxiously fiddling with my fingertips.

 

It was three days after that day when she finally got a call from Daryl to meet. She had all sorts of thoughts over the past three days. Why there was no contact at all, maybe he regretted kissing her that time, to he really didn’t want to see her again…

 

She wanted to consult with someone because she was frustrated. The person she chose after a few days of consideration was Marianne. She thought she would give her an appropriate answer without being surprised or making fun of her.

 

But while she was writing a letter to Marianne, someone came from the Duke’s house.

 

Now she was just waiting for Daryl to visit the mansion. Her head was blank. She didn’t know what Daryl would say, and she didn’t know how to respond to it. She was just anxious.

 

Then there was a knock on the door.

 

Eleanor got up from her seat without knowing it.

 

“Madam, Duke Griffith is here.”

 

“Tell him to come up.”

 

Emily bowed her head and closed the door. After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Daryl entered the room.

 

As soon as Eleanor saw his face, she unknowingly narrowed her eyebrows. His eyes were dark and his complexion was cloudy, as if he had been up all night. It was like seeing him a year ago.

 

“I’m sorry for the late contact.”

 

“No, are you okay, Duke? Are you not feeling well anywhere…”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Daryl answered and stood still for a moment.

 

“…Sit down first.”

 

Eleanor said with an awkward smile. But Daryl slowly shook his head.

 

“No, I have to go soon. Actually, I have an important business trip and I will be out of the capital for about three days. Today I just stopped by on my way.”

 

“Ah… I see.”

 

Eleanor smiled awkwardly, trying to hide her surprise.

 

“Be careful on your way. If I knew you were busy, I would have told you not to bother to come…”

 

“…”

 

Daryl was looking down without a word.

 

“Eleanor.”

 

“…Yes.”

 

“When I come back from the business trip… I have something to say.”

 

“…”

 

“It’s a very important story. After that story, maybe…”

 

Daryl hesitated for a moment at the end of his words. Eleanor unknowingly swallowed her saliva.

 

“…No. I’ll talk about it when I come back.”

 

Daryl put his hat back on and turned around. But suddenly he stopped and stood still for a while.

 

Eleanor was hesitating, then Daryl turned back to her. And he came up quickly and hugged Eleanor tightly. For a moment, she felt dizzy and her breath was cut off.

 

Eleanor clung to Daryl as if hanging on to him. When the fierce heartbeat began to slow down, Eleanor noticed that the arm around her waist was faintly trembling.

 

“Daryl…?”

 

“…”

 

She called him cautiously, but there was no answer from Daryl. He slowly pulled away from Eleanor.

 

“…I’ll be back.”

 

Leaving those words, Daryl left the room. Eleanor, who was left alone, let out a small hum at the inexplicable feeling.