If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

“…”

 

“I think it was from that time. When I became aware of you…”

 

Eleanor silently looked at Daryl, then quietly lowered her eyes.

 

“…I had no idea.”

 

“I’m sorry. If it upset you, I apologize.”

 

“You’ve been apologizing a lot lately.”

 

At Eleanor’s words, Daryl hesitated for a moment.

 

“…If it feels insincere, in the future…”

 

“No, that’s not it.”

 

Eleanor gave a bitter smile.

 

“I just thought you didn’t know how to apologize before, so I’m just surprised.”

 

“I’m really sorry about that.”

 

Daryl reflexively apologized again, then made a slightly awkward face. Eleanor saw that and laughed.

 

“…I was too clumsy back then. Of course, I’m not trying to justify it. But… it’s true that I realized my feelings too late. Because of that, I hurt you with words I didn’t mean, and I did too many things I shouldn’t have. If you feel like I apologize too much… it’s probably because I’ve done so much wrong.”

 

Daryl spoke in a repentant, soft voice. “For the past 4 years, I deeply felt how painful it is to regret too late, and to want to apologize but not have the opportunity to do so. So now, I’m so happy just to be able to apologize to you. This is all my sincere feelings, without a single lie.”

 

“…”

 

Eleanor’s eyes trembled slightly. She had heard Daryl say he was sorry countless times, but this was the first time his words had touched her heart.

 

Eleanor was silent for a moment, then slowly opened her mouth.

 

“…You’re the one who’s been sending flowers to my mother’s grave every year, aren’t you?”

 

“…”

 

Daryl seemed to hesitate at her words.

 

“You don’t have to worry. I’m not saying this to blame you. On the contrary, I’m grateful that you cared.”

 

“…I’m the one who should be thankful.”

 

“Did you come today to talk about this?”

 

Eleanor gave a small smile.

 

“Just in case you were worrying about something else.”

 

“…Thank you for that too.”

 

Eleanor let out a short laugh. Daryl thought that her laughter sounded very pleasant. If he had been a little less stupid. If he had known what he knows now a little earlier, he could have heard that laughter much more.

 

Eleanor opened the door and went into the lounge. Daryl quietly followed her. Eleanor went up close to the easel where Daryl’s portrait was hanging.

 

“…Looking at it again, for a moment, I thought that the face was a mess. It’s an unfinished painting…”

 

“That’s ridiculous. That can’t be.”

 

Daryl’s eyes widened slightly at the immediate denial. A beat later, Eleanor’s face turned red.

 

“No, not that… You’re handsome, Duke.”

 

“…Thank you.”

 

Daryl hesitated for a moment before responding.

 

“Actually, I started drawing when I happened to see you sleeping in your office.”

 

“…Is that so?”

 

“Yes. Your sleeping face looked so warm and peaceful.”

 

“…”

 

“Until then, you had only shown me a cold or frowning face… So that face was so strange and impressive. Before I knew it, I was sketching.”

 

“…I’m sorry.”

 

“And I, actually, I liked your face.”

 

“…”

 

Daryl was momentarily at a loss for words. Eleanor gave a faint smile.

 

“I was surprised when I first saw you at sixteen. I thought, there’s such a handsome and cool man in the world.”

 

“Was…that so?”

 

“You look very surprised.”

 

“Right. You hardly even looked at me back then.”

 

“I couldn’t dare to look straight at you. I was shy.”

 

“…”

 

Daryl didn’t know what to do with the confession he hadn’t expected. It wasn’t exactly that Eleanor said she liked Daryl. It was just a compliment about his appearance. Even knowing that, he couldn’t control his heart pounding.

 

“I also… thought you were very beautiful.”

 

“I’ve heard that before.”

 

“I should have said it sooner.”

 

“…I might feel the same way.”

 

There was a strange silence between the two.

 

Eleanor wandered around awkwardly, then suddenly turned to Daryl as if she remembered something.

 

“Can I try drawing you again?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Your face.”

 

“…If you want, anytime… But, right now?”

 

“If you’re busy, next time is fine too.”

 

“No, it’s okay. But I’m not sure if the drawing tools are okay…”

 

“Today, a sketch is enough. There’s paper and pencil here.”

 

“…Then…”

 

Eleanor smiled faintly and pointed to a spot beyond the easel. Daryl sat down as instructed. Eleanor put down the original portrait of Daryl and put up a new canvas.

 

Then she looked at Daryl’s face and laughed.

 

“Why is your expression like that?”

 

“…What’s wrong with it?”

 

“It’s a very awkward and uncomfortable face.”

 

“It’s not. It’s just a little awkward.”

 

“Try smiling.”

 

“Smile…?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Daryl was still at a loss for what to do.

 

“Is that really your best? Your lips didn’t even twitch?”

 

“…When I hear you say to smile, I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Just smile.”

 

“I can’t do that. Maybe… I don’t know how to smile.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“…It’s not?”

 

“Yes. I’ve seen you smile many times.”

 

Eleanor’s face was filled with a very affectionate and pretty smile as she spoke.

 

“…When was that?”

 

“At the wedding. And the time before that.”

 

“…”

 

He couldn’t remember it at all. As Daryl continued to look troubled, Eleanor chuckled.

 

“You don’t have to force yourself to smile if you can’t. It’s clearly in my head anyway.”

 

“…”

 

As Daryl silently looked at Eleanor, her cheeks turned a faint pink again. Eleanor coughed lightly and began to sketch. She was completely focused on the drawing in no time.

 

‘…Again, like that time.’ 

 

Eleanor looked really happy when she was drawing. More varied and vivid expressions passed over her face than at any other time. He was reminded once again that Eleanor was a born painter.

 

Although Daryl was the model, he was also happy to be able to look at Eleanor’s face endlessly. If he had the talent for painting, he would have wanted to capture her face on canvas. All the expressions, all the smiles, all the looks. But unfortunately, he didn’t have such talent, so he was just trying to engrave it deeply in his memory.

 

How much time had passed like that? Suddenly, Eleanor pulled her head back and stepped back to look at the picture.

 

“Is it over?”

 

“It’s just a sketch for now. It’s ambiguous to say it’s over or not. Do you want to see it?”

 

Daryl got up from his seat and turned to Eleanor. The moment he saw the canvas, he remembered the first portrait Eleanor had drawn of him. It was the same feeling as then. The Daryl in the picture looked like him, but it didn’t feel like his picture at all.

 

This time, the Daryl that Eleanor drew was smiling a really warm smile, so it felt even more so.

 

[I’ve seen you smile many times.]

 

Did he look like this when he smiled in Eleanor’s eyes? Thinking about it made him feel hot. He had never wanted to be a good person before. He never felt the need to be affectionate or warm to anyone.

 

But after knowing Eleanor, after loving her, it changed. If it’s what Eleanor wants, he wanted to give her anything, and if it’s who Eleanor expects him to be, he wanted to be that person, whoever it was.

 

That was the case when he lost Eleanor, and it’s the same now that he’s miraculously become friends with her.

 

‘Doesn’t he like it?’ 

 

When Daryl didn’t say anything, Eleanor glanced back at him standing behind her. Eleanor’s eyes widened for a moment, then she smiled quietly.

 

“You’re smiling just like the picture right now.”

 

“…Is that so?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Daryl and Eleanor’s eyes met. They were close enough to touch each other’s breath. The moment he realized that, it felt as if time had stopped.