If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

Eleanor lowered her eyes as if to avoid Daryl’s gaze. It was too awkward for her to hear such a direct compliment from him.

 

Of course, she had said similar things in letters several times. But it was almost the first time she heard it directly in person.

 

[…Beautiful.]

 

Suddenly, she remembered what Daryl had said to her on her birthday four years ago. She had completely forgotten about it until now. Because of what happened afterwards, her memories of that day had been completely blacked out and sealed off.

 

Yes, but there was definitely such a thing.

 

During that year, Daryl hadn’t always treated Eleanor with complete cruelty and coldness. There were definitely moments when she felt something poignant in the way he looked at her. She had just denied it forcefully, saying it was impossible, it didn’t make sense…

 

As Eleanor remained silent, Daryl spoke in an anxious voice.

 

“…If my words made you uncomfortable, I apologize. I will be careful in the future.”

 

“No.”

 

Eleanor lifted her head and looked straight into Daryl’s eyes.

 

“Tell me more.”

 

“…Tell you more?”

 

“Yes. How you think of me. How I look in your eyes.”

 

“…”

 

Daryl seemed taken aback by her unexpected words.

 

Was it because she had been drinking? It must be. If she hadn’t been drunk, she probably wouldn’t have been able to say what she just did, and she wouldn’t have been able to stare at Daryl at such a close distance.

 

Daryl had changed. He was definitely a different person now than the Daryl Eleanor remembered. But even though she knew this in her head, her heart still hadn’t fully accepted it.

 

It was because all of it hadn’t completely erased the image of Daryl from the past.

 

So she thought she needed to look at Daryl properly.

 

She wanted to see the current Daryl clearly with her own eyes, and to take in what he was saying. She thought that was the only way to finally get rid of the dissonance in her heart.

 

“I…”

 

Daryl hesitated for a moment, then took a shallow breath. There was a tense look on his face, like a boy confessing his love for the first time.

 

“I’ve never seen a woman as beautiful as you in my life.”

 

“…..”

 

Her face, which had cooled in the night breeze, felt hot again. But Eleanor bit her lip and tried not to look away from Daryl’s face.

 

“It’s not just because I love you. The first time I saw you, and the second time I went to propose to you…I thought the same.”

 

At those words, Eleanor’s eyes widened slightly.

 

“…Is that really true?”

 

“Yes. I wasn’t fully aware of it at the time… but there’s no doubt that I felt a special beauty in you that I hadn’t seen in anyone else.”

 

“I remember you hated me from the start.”

 

Eleanor’s first meeting with Daryl was like a traumatic memory for her. She had never received such a hateful and contemptuous gaze from anyone before, nor had she ever been beaten like that. It was even more shocking and hurtful because she had harbored a faint girlish admiration for Daryl.

 

“That was…”

 

Daryl’s eyes wavered. “I’m sorry. I misunderstood you at the time…I judged you arbitrarily and said things I shouldn’t have.”

 

“Actually, I was really hurt at the time. I was only sixteen. I pretended to be calm because of my pride, but…”

 

“…I’m really sorry.”

 

Looking at Daryl bowing his head, Eleanor smiled quietly.

 

“So, even though you hated me, you thought I was pretty? I don’t know whether to be happy or not.”

 

“I didn’t hate you.”

 

“I know you feel sorry, but you don’t have to lie.”

 

“It’s not a lie. I didn’t hate you. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time. It was only after a long time had passed that I realized why you were so annoying to me. Every word you said to me, every expression you wore…why it bothered me so much.”

 

“…..”

 

“Honestly, you were an enigma to me. Why you accepted the contract marriage without any conditions, why you tried to fulfill your duties as a wife in a hollow marriage, why you treated me with a smiling face even though I neglected and ignored you…all of these were incomprehensible to me.”

 

“…Do you understand now?”

 

“I can’t say I completely understand. But I think I know to some extent now. What kind of person you are.”

 

[You are more beautiful, wise, and affectionate than any other woman in the empire. You are strict with yourself but infinitely generous to others. Yet you never compromise on things that go against your principles. You have a brilliant artistic talent, and even though you make a lot of money with it, you only use that wealth to give to others. Who wouldn’t love you?] 

 

The words Daryl had said before came back to her vividly.

 

“I was too late to recognize it because of my shortcomings. I tried to deny my feelings for you without fully understanding you…I did a lot of terrible things to you. It’s all my fault and karma. I’m really sorry. I know that apologizing doesn’t change anything, and I know I don’t even have the right to…”

 

His voice was soft but full of passion. The emotions in his eyes looking at Eleanor were even deeper and more profound.

 

Unable to meet his gaze any longer, Eleanor quietly lowered her eyes.

 

“Do you remember when I said I couldn’t accept your feelings?”

 

“…I remember.”

 

“A year has passed since then, and you still say you love me. It’s been four years since we divorced.”

 

Daryl hesitated with a gloomy face.

 

“If my feelings make you uncomfortable, I’ll be careful in the future.”

 

“That’s not what I mean. You’re the Duke of Griffith. You have to get married and have a successor. You can’t always be…courting me.”

 

“I’m sorry. If you think I’m clinging to you, I’ll…”

 

“That’s not what I mean. I told you before. I don’t want your life to be ruined because of me.”

 

“It’s not ruined. On the contrary, I’m living because of you. Thanks to you, I can live properly, like a human being. Really.”

 

Daryl spoke urgently. It was a desperate, pleading expression. Eleanor unknowingly bit her lip gently.

 

“…That’s the problem. If you keep longing for me like that, you won’t be able to get married.”

 

“It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t planning on getting married again anyway.”

 

“What? What do you mean? What about the duchy?”

 

“…I’m not the only one who carries the Lloyd blood. The title can go to anyone.”

 

“Duke.”

 

At the probing gaze, Daryl avoided Eleanor’s eyes.

 

“It’s not because of you. It was a decision I made a long time ago.”

 

“Why?”

 

“…”

 

Daryl closed his mouth with a stern expression.

 

“If you don’t answer, I can only assume it’s because of me.”

 

“…It’s really not.”

 

“Duke.”

 

“Really. It’s really not because of you…Please, let’s stop this conversation.”

 

“…”

 

Eleanor frowned quietly.

 

“I can’t believe you.”

 

“…Miss Townsend.”

 

“You say you still love me even though I rejected you. And you say you won’t get married, how can I believe that it’s not because of me?”

 

“…”

 

“I couldn’t completely cut off my relationship with you at that time because I thought you would be ruined right away. It wasn’t because I wanted to hear that you wouldn’t get married for the rest of your life…If you keep doing this…I can’t even write letters anymore. Of course, we can’t meet like this either.”

 

At those words, Daryl’s face turned pale.

 

“Miss Townsend. No, I…”

 

“Promise me. You don’t have to do it right away, but someday you’ll meet a good person and get married.”

 

“…”

 

In fact, even if Daryl hadn’t declared that he wouldn’t get married, it would have been the same.

 

The relationship between him and Eleanor could never continue. It’s not right to keep exchanging letters with another woman even after getting married. But she couldn’t say that in front of Daryl, who looked like that now.