If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

“I’ve said it before, but I never intended to marry anyone in my life. Our marriage was merely a contract, and even now that it’s over, my thoughts haven’t changed.”

 

It was an expected and fully anticipated answer. Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but feel a chill in his heart at her declaration.

 

Daryl opened his mouth with a cracked voice.

 

“…I know. That. I didn’t wish for a reunion with you either.”

 

Right. It was something he couldn’t dare to hope for. How dare he, by what right.

 

Eleanor looked at Daryl for a moment, then continued.

 

“So what do you want from me?”

 

“…Want. There’s no such thing.”

 

“Really?”

 

At Eleanor’s question, Daryl had a slightly flustered look.

 

“Really. I don’t want anything from you. As I said, as long as you’re happy…”

 

“Then why did you overdose on drugs to the point of losing consciousness?”

 

“…That was, a mistake.”

 

“And why did you refuse to eat? Why did you stay locked in your office for days without coming out?”

 

“…..”

 

Daryl closed his mouth with a dispirited expression.

 

Eleanor narrowed her eyes. It was incredibly awkward to see him make such a face. Even though she was watching him right in front of her, she couldn’t believe it. It was the same with the fact that Daryl had had special feelings for her for such a long time. How could such deep feelings arise to the point where a person changes so drastically, where everyday life completely collapses…

 

“…When was it?”

 

“What… are you talking about?”

 

“You said you loved me. When was it?”

 

Daryl’s pupils shook. He quietly lowered his eyes.

 

“…I don’t know. I clearly realized it three years ago, the day you left this mansion… but I think the feelings must have arisen much earlier than that. I just didn’t realize it myself…”

 

“Why?”

 

“……”

 

“Why did you say that I was just a nuisance and an eyesore to you? You actually locked me in the mansion for a long time and didn’t even look at me.”

 

Daryl’s expression clouded again.

 

“…I’m sorry. It was my fault.”

 

“I’m not asking for an apology. I just don’t understand. You hated me so much, why did you turn the tables, that’s what I’m curious about.”

 

Daryl fell silent for a moment, lost in thought.

 

“I don’t know either. That’s too far in the past…I’ve loved you for so long now, it’s just natural.”

 

“…But there must be a reason or a trigger.”

 

“Do I need such a thing to love you?”

 

“Huh?”

 

Daryl raised his head and stared at Eleanor. It was the first time today that he had looked at Eleanor so directly.

 

“You are more beautiful, wise, and affectionate than any woman in the empire. You are strict with yourself but infinitely generous to others. Yet you never compromise on things that go against your principles. You have a shining artistic talent and, even though you earn a lot of money with it… you only use that wealth to give to others. Who wouldn’t love you?”

 

“…”

 

It was a dizzyingly enormous compliment. Eleanor felt her cheeks heat up helplessly. Despite the passionate confession, Daryl didn’t seem desperate or heated. It felt like he was stating an extremely obvious fact.

 

“Actually, everyone else in this mansion…loved you too. Layla, Herbert… they were on your side before I even realized my feelings. After you left the mansion, it felt like an empty house. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. I’m willing to bet. Everyone really… missed you.”

 

“…”

 

She remembered when she visited the mansion a while ago, Layla and Herbert had welcomed her surprisingly warmly. Layla even shed tears apologizing for scolding her in the past. They had both been kind to Eleanor before, but she thought it was just humanitarian kindness. There was no way Eleanor, the protagonist of the scandal, would look good in the eyes of the people of the Duke’s house.

 

She thought it was inevitable that Layla initially disliked Eleanor, and that the servants, including Emily, were cold to her. She thought it was natural that they couldn’t accept her as Daryl’s wife and the mistress of the Duke’s house. Herbert had been kind to Eleanor from the beginning, but she thought that was because he was a man of great character. She never dreamed that Layla had become friendly with her because she genuinely liked her.

 

Of course, Daryl was out of the question. So when she fulfilled her one-year term and left the mansion, she thought she was the only one who was happy and excited. She thought everyone would be glad that the fake duchess was gone. It’s been almost three years since she left the mansion, but she’s still thinking and accepting it that way. Everyone loved and missed her. She couldn’t believe it.

 

“I am…”

 

Eleanor opened her mouth with a confused expression.

 

“I don’t know. Everything… I can’t believe it. It all seems like a lie.”

 

“…It’s not unreasonable. The one who acted in such a way that you couldn’t think otherwise was none other than me…I’m really sorry. From your point of view, it must seem brazen for me to say this now…”

 

“…..”

 

Eleanor was silent for a moment, her eyes downcast. She had resented Daryl for a long time. It was painful and hateful to even think of him, let alone face him and talk to him. It was like that until just a few days ago. She had a hard time deciding to come here today.

 

It was that hard to believe. The fact that Daryl loved Eleanor. That it was a desperate emotion that ruined his life. Even now, she hadn’t fully accepted that fact. Of course, she hadn’t forgiven Daryl either.

 

But.

 

After a while, she opened her mouth in a slightly subdued voice.

 

“…Whether what you say is true or not, whether I believe it or not… in the end, nothing will change. I can’t accept your feelings… and there won’t be a day when I return to the mansion.”

 

“…Yes, I know.”

 

“But I don’t want your life to be ruined because of me.”

 

“…”

 

Eleanor had a calm face. The face that was most familiar to Daryl in his old memories, like the quiet moon on a clear night, calm and silent.

 

“We’ve been divorced for almost three years now. During that not-so-short time… I heard you had a very hard time. To the point where people around you were worried. The reason you locked yourself in your room, overdosed on drugs, refused to eat… was it because of me? Was it because I told you never to hover around me again?”

 

“…”

 

Daryl couldn’t say anything. But it was clear that his silence was as good as an affirmative answer.

 

“…You can’t die.”

 

“There’s no need to worry about that. I have no intention of dying.”

 

“You say you have no intention of dying, but if you continue to live like this, you’re essentially shortening your own life.”

 

“…”

 

“Promise me. You’ll eat three meals a day, get enough sleep at a set time, and even go outside to get some sun.”

 

“…Why…?”

 

Daryl asked blankly. Eleanor gave a faint smile.

 

“Is it so surprising that I’m worried about you?”

 

“…”

 

“I told you. I don’t want your life to be ruined because of me. So live properly, live right, so you don’t worry the people around you. If you keep this promise, I’ll cancel what I said before.”

 

“What are you… talking about?”

 

“The part where I told you not to hover around me anymore.”

 

“…”

 

Daryl’s eyes shook.

 

“That doesn’t mean it’s okay to deceive me or do anything behind my back like you’ve been doing. If you do something without my knowledge like last time and get caught, I really won’t forgive you.”

 

Eleanor said with a cold expression. But even that seemed merciful to Daryl at this moment, like a goddess.

 

“…Really, really… is it okay?”

 

Daryl stuttered again. There was a faint moisture in his eyes.