If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

“…..”

 

“Do you want to say that the reason you did all this was because you loved me? Sending a guards to my house, following me to Wembury, and deceiving me with Mr. Wilson, all of it?”

 

“…”

 

Daryl still couldn’t lift his head. He was afraid to meet Eleanor’s eyes, to confirm the expression she was making now.

 

“Then why didn’t you say so then? When I asked why you were obsessed with me. Why couldn’t you answer then…”

 

Eleanor paused for a moment to take a breath.

 

“…Why did you cry then?”

 

“…”

 

She had thought a lot before coming to Chatsworth House today. She hardly slept last night because of it. For a while, she couldn’t accept Layla’s story at all. She knew in her head that her words made sense. It was a sufficient reason to explain Daryl’s behavior, which she had considered incomprehensible.

 

Nevertheless, she couldn’t accept the fact in her heart. She couldn’t understand why Daryl would have such feelings for her. And that too, so belatedly. According to Layla, Daryl had special feelings for Eleanor before the divorce. But that couldn’t be true. Absolutely, it couldn’t be.

 

“You have no answer again.”

 

“…”

 

“Miss Layla said that you couldn’t confess because you felt sorry for what happened in the past. But I think differently.”

 

Eleanor spoke slowly, word by word. As if a judge was pronouncing a sentence in court.

 

“You don’t love me.”

 

At those words, Daryl lifted his head. His eyes were clouded with regret.

 

“…No. That’s not true. I really…”

 

“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have had another lover.”

 

“…”

 

Daryl’s expression froze at the faint words.

 

“You wouldn’t have bothered to give a gift to your lover without even knowing when your wife’s birthday is. If you really loved me.”

 

Eleanor continued with a blank expression.

 

“You wouldn’t have broken the promise to go to my mother’s anniversary. I begged you so desperately, so desperately, yet you showed up late at night instead. And that too, drunk, reeking of another woman’s perfume.”

 

She thought she had forgotten it a long time ago. But it wasn’t. As soon as she recalled it, the memory of that time came back vividly as if it had happened yesterday. The betrayal she felt then, the wound, mercilessly scratched her heart.

 

Eleanor had never loved a man, but that didn’t mean she didn’t know the feeling of love. The same name, the love between men and women, couldn’t be that different from the feelings she had for her late mother and Peggy. If you love someone, you should cherish and care for them. Not to treat them lightly and hurt them.

 

“…I…”

 

Daryl opened his mouth with a metallic voice. His face was horribly distorted.

 

“I was wrong. Back then, I…..I was really foolish. You don’t know how much I regretted it. For the past three years, really…”

 

“Save your apologies. I didn’t bring this up to blame you. I just wanted to point out a fact. The fact that you couldn’t have loved me.”

 

Eleanor said with an emotionless expression.

 

Daryl clenched his teeth in pain.

 

“…No. It’s a misunderstanding.”

 

“Misunderstanding? What kind of misunderstanding could there be? It’s a fact that you gave a necklace to that singer Esmeralda, and broke the promise on my mother’s anniversary.”

 

“…..”

 

Daryl tightly held his trembling hands, which were pitifully shaking.

 

“…That gift…when I said I wanted to end the relationship with her, she demanded it as a price. She wanted a jewel that I had personally chosen…I would never have given her a gift otherwise. Even when I went to the jeweler, I…I only thought of you. So unknowingly, I bought a necklace that resembled your eyes…”

 

At his words, Eleanor slightly furrowed her brows.

 

“Here we go again. Do you think I would really believe that?”

 

“It’s true. At that time, I didn’t even know when your birthday was, and I didn’t have the courage. I thought that even if I gave you a gift, you would most likely not accept it. It was foolish. I know. I kept regretting it. The necklace that I bought thinking of you, I regretted not giving it to you. The reason I gave a similar necklace this time… it’s because of that. I thought that if I borrowed the name of Lewis Wilson, you might accept it…”

 

“…”

 

Eleanor’s eyes slightly shook. In fact, she had always wondered why Daryl had given her a necklace that was exactly like the one he had given to Esmeralda. If it was as Daryl explained just now, it wasn’t completely unreasonable. But that didn’t mean she easily believed his words.

 

“…If that’s true, what about my mother’s anniversary? How would you explain what happened that day? Are you going to say that the woman you met that day was someone else?”

 

“…”

 

At her words, Daryl’s expression darkened again. As her heart turned cold, she thought, ‘If that’s the case, then it is.’ 

 

Eleanor gave a bitter laugh. “Look at that.”

 

“…No. Certainly, I met Esmeralda the day before as you said… but it was purely a coincidence. She was invited to the Prince’s party… and…”

 

“And?”

 

“…When I came to my senses, I was at her place. It was already evening the next day… It was never my intention. I wasn’t even that drunk. She must have fed me something. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have slept all day.”

 

“……”

 

“Really. Please believe me.” Daryl pleaded urgently.

 

Eleanor looked at him with empty eyes.

 

“If that’s true, why didn’t you tell me then?”

 

“…Because at that time, you didn’t want to talk to me at all. It was also difficult to explain. Because I thought you didn’t know about Esmeralda…”

 

“…….”

 

Her heart was complicated and confused. It wasn’t easy to believe Daryl’s words as they were, but more than that, she thought, ‘So what?’ It was a long time ago, and Eleanor had been deeply hurt because of it.

 

“…What’s the point of saying that now? You should have made excuses or explanations then, not now when it’s too late.”

 

“…..”

 

“Even if I believe what you say, does apologizing and making excuses now make what happened then go away? Does the wound I received disappear!”

 

At Eleanor’s outburst, Daryl lowered his eyes in pain.

 

“…You’re right. It’s all… my fault.”

 

Eleanor bit her lip quietly.

 

“…Why are you doing this to me?”

 

“…..”

 

“You’re not like this. You told me not to misunderstand. Our relationship is just a contract, so don’t expect me to be a real duchess. But after tormenting me with all sorts of cold and cruel words, now you say you love me? How can I believe such a thing?”

 

“……”

 

“You just had to do as you were doing. We promised to pretend to be a couple for just one year, and then go back to our own lives as before. But why are you doing this all of a sudden? Did you think I would be happy if you said you loved me? If you suddenly start being nice because your feelings have changed, did you think I would forget how you tormented me like a devil and be happy?”

 

“…I’m sorry. Really…”

 

Daryl spoke with a cracked voice.

 

“I didn’t intend to confess my feelings. Because I don’t have the right to. I just thought… I just thought that if you… if you were happy, that would be enough. The reason I kept hovering around you even though you hated it… was just because of that. Because something couldn’t happen to you. Even if I had to deceive you…because I thought your safety was more important…”

 

“…”

 

Eleanor glared at Daryl with her lips bitten.

 

He couldn’t meet or avoid her gaze. After a long, sharp and painful silence, Eleanor finally opened her mouth again.

 

“I can’t accept your feelings.”