If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

“Whether I leave Wembury or go anywhere else, it’s no use hiding. You’ll find out anyway. You won’t listen even if I tell you not to follow me.”

 

“…….”

 

“Wherever I go now, I can’t be friends with anyone. If someone approaches me, I’ll always suspect that you’re behind it, and I’ll worry about being deceived or hurt again.”

 

“…….”

 

Daryl’s complexion turned ashen, almost like a dead man.

 

Eleanor’s eyes, looking at him, held no shred of emotion.

 

“Don’t forget. That’s what you did to me.”

 

Her voice was low, but her words pierced Daryl’s heart like a dagger. Daryl groaned as he struggled to speak.

 

“……I was wrong.”

 

“I didn’t say that to hear an apology.”

 

“I was shortsighted. Even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t stop the joy of exchanging letters with you…”

 

“I didn’t say that to hear excuses either.”

 

“I’m truly sorry. I know I’ve lost your trust. But please believe me this last time… I really think this is the last time. I will not approach you using someone else’s name again. I won’t deceive you in any way anymore. So…”

 

“So?”

 

Despite his earnest plea, Eleanor’s response remained cold.

 

“……So, please don’t be unhappy because of me.”

 

“…….”

 

Eleanor’s expressionless face cracked slightly at the unexpected words.

 

“You are a good person. Kinder and more benevolent than anyone else. Whether it’s Wembury or anywhere else, whoever you meet…It’s only natural for you to be loved and to be happy. I hope you won’t isolate yourself because of me…because of my foolish actions. Please.”

 

“…….”

 

Despite hearing it clearly, Eleanor couldn’t believe these words were coming from Daryl.

 

It was like reading a letter from Lewis Wilson. She couldn’t help but realize that those letters were indeed written by Daryl. Even as evidence became clear and the situation became obvious, she still couldn’t accept it. The Daryl she knew would never write such letters. There was no reason for him to, and it wasn’t like him.

 

Suddenly, the Daryl in front of her felt like a stranger. Who is this man? Why is he acting like this in front of me? His expression, posture, tone of voice, and the words he spoke did not seem like the man who was her husband three years ago.

 

Eleanor bit her lip without realizing it.

 

“……Why?”

 

Daryl’s expression twisted with pity.

 

“Why…”

 

“What I do, where I am, how I live, it has nothing to do with you. Why do you keep hovering around me? Why are you obsessed with me?”

 

It was a question she had asked many times, but never received a proper answer to. But looking back, Eleanor herself had no intention of hearing an answer. She was engulfed in a vehement rejection, simply pushing Daryl away. She hated being involved with Daryl that much. She hated the thought of being hurt by him again. She hated recalling a past she didn’t even want to think about.

 

“…….”

 

Daryl had no answer. His expression seemed hesitant, yet at the same time, it appeared as if he was in agony.

 

“Come to think of it, you held onto me on the day I left the duke’s residence. Why?”

 

“…….”

 

“Answer me.”

 

“…….”

 

“You just swore never to deceive me again. Was that also a lie?”

 

At those words, Daryl’s eyes wavered.

 

“Duke.”

 

“……That is.”

 

Daryl barely started speaking again.

 

“That’s because I, you….”

 

“…….”

 

Daryl stopped speaking and couldn’t continue for a long time. He was caught in an unprecedented severe torment. It wasn’t that he didn’t know the answer. He couldn’t not know. It was the words he had endlessly repeated to himself in his mind after Eleanor left. He loved her. Daryl loved Eleanor. It was an emotion realized far too late. Even as he regretted and ruminated over the past mistakes to the point where his insides were charred, that emotion alone was smoldering gently, buried in the ashes, showing no signs of extinguishing. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to utter that clear and certain truth.

 

Daryl didn’t have the right to do so. He had committed countless wrongs during the year Eleanor was by his side, but it wasn’t just that. Would it have been better if it had only been that? If his father hadn’t done that…

 

“……You, what?”

 

Eleanor asked, unable to bear it any longer.

 

“…….”

 

Daryl, who had been clenching his teeth in agony, finally dropped his head. At the same time, a tear streamed down his cheek. At that moment, Eleanor unknowingly held her breath.

 

It wasn’t a mistake. Daryl was crying. Eleanor couldn’t help but be shocked.

 

The Daryl she knew would never shed a single tear for himself or for others. It was as if he was born without a grain of human emotion. Otherwise, he couldn’t have uttered such cruel words to her repeatedly.

 

Daryl was sobbing quietly with his head bowed. It seemed that just managing the emotions overwhelming him was too much, and he couldn’t even dare to stop his tears.

 

“……Please clear the room.”

 

At Eleanor’s subdued command, the servants, including Harold, hurriedly left the drawing room. Eleanor took a handkerchief from her pocket and offered it to Daryl.

 

“Take it.”

 

“…….”

 

Daryl blinked several times and belatedly took the handkerchief with both hands. His posture was as reverent as if he were receiving a gift from royalty. But even after receiving the handkerchief, Daryl didn’t seem to think of wiping his face with it. He just held it in his hand and kept his head down.

 

“…….”

 

Eleanor quietly looked down. She felt too confused.

 

“Perhaps…”

 

Eleanor started to speak and then hesitated for a moment.

 

“……Perhaps, are you in a lot of pain?”

 

At that, Daryl blankly raised his head and looked at Eleanor.

 

“Are you seriously ill or something?”

 

“…….”

 

Daryl, whom Eleanor had met again after two and a half years, was much thinner than she remembered, and his face was significantly worn. That’s why she thought he might have contracted a terminal illness.

 

If it was that serious, it wouldn’t be strange for a person to change so drastically. He might have suddenly regretted how harshly he had treated Eleanor in the past, knowing that his days were numbered. That would make sense of everything.

 

“…….”

 

But a beat later, Daryl shook his head and wiped his tears with the back of his hand.

 

“……No.”

 

His voice was subdued, perhaps because of the tears.

 

“Is that true? If you’re really sick, you don’t need to hide it.”

 

“It’s true. I appreciate your concern, but… my body is fine.”

 

“…….”

 

Eleanor still looked doubtful.

 

‘……Unless he’s dying, she wouldn’t think he would cry.’

 

It was a rather comical situation, but not even a bitter smile came out. It was also Daryl’s fault and karma.

 

“……I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For everything.”

 

“…….”

 

Eleanor slightly furrowed her brows. Her mind was still troubled. It felt so strange and unbelievable for Daryl to show tears and apologize to her.

 

‘……Enough. I don’t want to think about it anymore.’

 

Thinking about Daryl inevitably brought back memories of the past. And then her heart would fall into deep, deep darkness again. It had just happened. In fact, she never wanted to recall it again. The necklace, that day three years ago. So it didn’t matter what the reason was. Whether Daryl truly regretted the past or if it was just another whim, she didn’t want to know.

 

Eleanor said in a voice that had turned cold again.

 

“I don’t know why, but you don’t need to suddenly say sorry to me now. As I said before, it’s all in the past, and it means nothing to me. As long as you don’t deceive me again and hover around me as you said earlier, that’s enough for me.”

 

“…….”

 

Daryl looked at Eleanor with a heavy gaze. It was definitely his own words. He had no intention of taking them back. But the thought of those days coming to an end left him feeling in the dark. The days when he exchanged letters with Eleanor, when he watched her from a distance, smiling happily…

 

He knew it was a happiness that should never have been allowed to him. But still, just a little. Even if only a little. He had hoped that those days could continue for just a few more days.

 

“……I understand.”

 

Daryl said quietly, as if to convince himself.