If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

“…Strictly speaking, it’s not a wrong title. It’s true that we’re not married yet.”

 

“Miss! Are you serious? Why do you always take their side! Even I, a mere maid, can clearly see that it’s against propriety!”

 

“Because I knew it would be like this.”

 

At Eleanor’s quietly muttered words, Peggy was momentarily speechless.

 

“Peggy knew too. That there would be no one on my side in this house. That’s why you opposed it so much.”

 

“…Knowing all that, why did you do it? How many times have I told you to cancel this marriage? What on earth could the Miss possibly regret…”

 

After the last time Countess Crawford made such a fuss and left, Peggy had been nagging Eleanor every day.

Nevertheless, Eleanor’s answer remained unchanged.

 

“What’s not to regret? I finally got the opportunity to repay my debt to the Duke’s family.”

 

“You keep saying debt, debt, but honestly, I don’t even know what big debt Miss owed. They offered to sponsor you on their own without you asking for help.”

“Peggy.”

 

A few fine wrinkles appeared on Eleanor’s forehead. Even knowing that it was a fairly strong signal from Eleanor for Peggy to stop, Peggy still couldn’t. The frustration and anger that had been suppressed in her heart for the past few weeks, no, 15 years, burst out.

 

“Besides, how much damage did you suffer because of that? Because of the ugly rumors, you had to stay at home all your life and couldn’t enjoy what other young ladies naturally enjoy, and you had to give up everything! Even if it is paid, it’s still our loss! They ruined the beautiful lady’s life because of such a debt!”

 

“Peggy, stop.”

 

Eleanor grabbed Peggy’s cheeks with both hands. And she looked into her eyes.

 

“You shouldn’t say that. The previous Duke supported my mother and me with good intentions. Thanks to him, we were able to continue our comfortable life. My mother also said that we must never forget the grace we received from the previous Duke.”

 

It was a word left to Eleanor by her mother Sylvia just before she passed away six years ago.

 

[After your father passed away… Actually, I wanted to die.]

 

[……]

 

It was a shocking confession, but the fact that her mother had confided such a fact to her was more shocking than the content itself. It was because she realized that her mother was really close to death’s door, and that the words she would hear from now on were her last words to her daughter.

 

[I had a carriage accident when I was pregnant with you. I lost both my parents and my brother and survived alone, but this time I sent my husband and in-laws to the underworld with the same accident… I couldn’t help but think it was my fault. I must have been cursed by the god of death… I didn’t have the audacity to survive alone. So I thought about dying.]

 

[It’s not your fault, Mother. It was an accident. It was just a prank of fate.]

 

At Eleanor’s words, her mother smiled faintly.

 

[The Duke also said the same and stopped me.]

 

“…”

 

[Instead of me, who had to lie in bed for a whole month due to the injuries I suffered in the accident, he took care of everything from accident recovery to funeral and inheritance procedures… even though he had no connection with your father or me, just out of recognition… He visited the mansion every day to check if I was okay, and encouraged me… He did so much for me, I couldn’t just die because I was too sorry.]

 

Her mother closed her eyes for a moment as if she was losing strength, then slowly continued speaking.

 

[And after a while… I found out that you were in my belly.]

 

[..…]

 

[If it weren’t for the Duke, I would have killed you too. If he hadn’t been there… I would have committed a terrible sin without even knowing it. The joy of holding you, the fruit of my union with your father, in my arms… The happiness of seeing your smile… I would never have known.]

 

Her mother stroked Eleanor’s head with trembling hands. Unable to bear the touch of her thin fingers stroking her cheek, Eleanor lowered her eyes and tears dropped down.

 

[The Duke is a benefactor to you and me. You must never forget that fact… the favor we received from him, Nor. Do you understand?]

 

[…Yes, I understand, Mother. I’ll keep it in mind…]

 

Eleanor swallowed back her tears with a gulp. The strength of her mother’s hand holding hers was so weak that she couldn’t even grip it tightly.

 

[Don’t resent the Duke. He’s a good man. I’m sorry, Nor. I’m sorry for being such a mother…]

 

It was a desperate and earnest will. But the sixteen-year-old Eleanor had no idea how to repay such a great favor. The Duke of Griffith was too powerful in every way, and Eleanor initially had no shortcomings to make up for in the first place.

 

So she thought at least not to incur more debt. That’s why she refused adoption into other families, social debut, and marriage arrangements. Especially since she knew that the Duke was suffering from terrible rumors that he couldn’t even mention because of Eleanor. Eleanor wanted to isolate herself from the world and become a forgotten existence. She believed that was the only way she could repay the Duke.

 

Therefore, it was only natural for her to accept Daryl’s proposal.

 

[Even if you don’t feel any responsibility for this situation, if you sincerely want to repay my father’s favor, you should accept this story. Because it’s my father’s last wish that you’ve repeatedly refused.]

 

It was a really fair statement. Rather, it was to the extent that she should be grateful for giving her such an opportunity. Because it suggested the only way to keep her mother’s will.

 

So even if the servants of the Duke’s residence showed a somewhat rude attitude, she couldn’t say she would quit and go back now. The same was true of being assaulted by Daryl’s aunt. Even if she suffered more severe things in the future, Eleanor had no intention of canceling this marriage.

 

It was just one year. The opportunity to gain freedom for a lifetime in just one year had come, and she couldn’t throw it away with her own hands.

 

“This marriage is the will of the previous Duke. How can I break the intention he left in his will? That’s not right.”

 

Eleanor spoke with a determined voice.

 

“…Miss.”

 

Tears began to well up in Peggy’s eyes. Eleanor stroked Peggy’s protruding side hair and smiled.

 

“And I haven’t been harmed at all. I’ve always been happy living in the Loud mansion. With Mother, Peggy, and others. It’s not that I gave up, it’s the life I chose. It’s much better than marrying a stranger and living in a strange house for the rest of my life. Really.”

 

“…”

 

When Peggy lowered her eyes, tears began to flow down her cheeks. Eleanor took out a handkerchief and wiped her tears.

 

“So let’s just endure for one year. We’ll endure for one year and then go back to Loud together. Understand?”

 

“…Yes, Miss.”

 

Peggy answered in a nasally tone.

 

Eleanor gently hugged Peggy’s body. She remembered often clinging to Peggy like this when she was young. Since then, Peggy had been plump and full-bodied unlike her mother Sylvia. Being in her soft and warm arms made her feel comfortable. The feeling of hugging her after quite a long time was still the same as before.

 

“Thank you, Peggy.”

 

Eleanor whispered, rubbing her cheek against Peggy’s shoulder.

 

****

 

Viscountess Jennings was much younger and prettier than Eleanor had imagined. She was probably only a few years older than Eleanor. Compared to the chaperone and Baroness Hamilton introduced by the previous Duke, she looked about half her age and body size. She knew that a chaperone was usually entrusted to women of a certain age.

 

“My name is Marianne. Please take good care of me, Duchess.”

 

Marianne greeted her, lifting her skirt slightly.

 

“Duchess? Please don’t say that, Viscountess Jennings. I’m not even married yet.”

 

“Oh my. It’s just a matter of time, isn’t it? The fact that it’s a foregone conclusion doesn’t change. But I can’t just call the soon-to-be Duchess by her name.”

 

“That’s okay. Please call me by my name, Eleanor.”

 

“Really? Can I do that?”

 

“Of course. Viscountess Jennings, you’re the one who’s going to teach me.”

 

“Alright then. Eleanor.”

 

Marianne smiled, lightly touching her cheek with her hand. The teardrop mark under her slightly drooping eyes was captivating.

 

“Is the dress you’re wearing now from your home?”

 

After quickly scanning Eleanor from head to toe, Marianne asked.

 

“Ah, yes.…Is it strange?”

 

“Rather than strange, it’s old? Outdated? I guess that would be the accurate expression. Or in other words, ridiculous?”