I Will Disappear, Grand Duke

 

In his faintly shaking vision, Julia’s smile continued to fill his gaze.

For some reason, in this moment, it felt as if his feet were bound to the ground, unable to move.

Without even thinking of approaching her, Fernan stood there, staring at her for a long time.

Eventually, Julia stood up and began to take care of the children beside her.

Then, a man helped her lift the children into his arms. It was the priest Fernan had been following all this time.

Looking warm and happy, she wandered the festival streets for quite some time.

Like someone who had lost his mind, Fernan followed her from afar.

She occasionally knelt down to look at the children, whispering something to them with a gentle gaze.

And several times, she looked up at the priest beside her, bursting into laughter at their exchanged words.

Watching all of this, Fernan felt as if someone was wringing his heart repeatedly.

Everything he saw was new. It was a side of her that he had never been shown before.

No matter how many times he had imagined Julia, the only image that came to mind was always her wounded and tearful face. But the Julia before him now was not the woman drowning in misery from his memories.

She was just an ordinary, happy woman.

“Julia wanted only one thing. To escape unhappiness and find happiness.”

At that moment, a voice, shapeless and without form, echoed in his ears. Fernan’s steps came to a halt.

Following that voice, the last image of Julia from his memories appeared before him.

“…The unhappiness I’ve experienced so far is more than enough.”

The quiet words she had murmured while standing at the edge of a cliff, words he had recalled thousands of times, began to weigh down on him once more.

Lowering his head as if crumbling, Fernan clenched his trembling hand tightly. Blood began to seep from his palm where his strong grip had pressed too hard.

Slowly, Fernan raised his head again and took in the sight of Julia once more.

Now, she was gazing up at the night sky.

Fireworks burst into the air, spreading across the heavens. Julia, her eyes shining like a child’s, looked up at the scene.

She was someone who found joy in even the smallest things. Only now did he realize that.

A transparent, invisible wall stood in front of Julia, perfectly blended into this peaceful scene.

It was a wall that he, no matter what he did, could never break or tear down.

Slowly, a sense of reality began to return to Fernan’s blank expression.

At first… what had he planned to do?

Yes, when he met Julia, he had intended to beg for forgiveness right away.

He had planned to promise never to hurt her again. To offer her all the precious and wonderful things he hadn’t been able to give her before.

He had wanted to untangle the complicated knots and rebuild his relationship with her.

He had wanted to start again, from the beginning…

Fernan lowered the hand covering his mouth. His lips trembled uncontrollably.

How foolish, to have such grand thoughts but never consider just one thing.

That Julia had forgotten everything and was now living happily.

That she had buried all the elements of misfortune, including him, and might now be living with new people.

Before he knew it, the night of the festival streets had begun to fade.

Even as people started to leave one by one, Fernan just stood there, frozen in place.

As Julia disappeared from view, melting into the crowd, a small, barely audible voice sank down to the ground.

“How can I…?”

How can I hold on to you? How can I bring you back to my side?

To Julia, he was the end of her misfortune. The very person who had driven her to the edge of the cliff, right up to the last moment.

He had given her nothing. He had never made her smile. He hadn’t even let her live in peace.

All he had ever given her were wounds and pain.

And now, how could he possibly… how could he shatter her peace?

Fernan closed his dimmed eyes, now devoid of light. Soon, the knights approached him.

Seeing their lord standing with his head lowered, looking so precarious, they couldn’t bring themselves to speak.

Fernan finally opened his mouth, his voice so empty it was impossible to discern what emotions lay within it.

“…Stop the search.”

This brief command was the conclusion to the long, frantic search for Julia.

—

Two weeks later, the Grand Duke returned to his castle.

Although it had been half a year since his last return, the Grand Duke headed straight to his office without sparing a glance at anyone.

He spoke to no one. Neither the butler who offered him a meal nor the lieutenant who handed him documents, nor the servants who brought him the pile of accumulated letters.

He merely began processing the neglected state affairs one by one.

Forcing his mind to focus on administrative tasks, he signed documents and turned pages with machine-like efficiency.

He continued in this manner for a month.

“Your Highness, it’s Lloyd. May I come in for a moment?”

Lloyd entered the room, his face showing signs of worry.

Fernan was still reviewing documents in the same position as the day before.

No one knew if he was sleeping or eating.

His eyes were darkened, and his complexion was paler than before. Although his presence was still imposing, his jawline had noticeably thinned.

Lloyd cautiously held out the letter he had brought.

“As per your orders, a knight has investigated the whereabouts of Lady B.”

The hand holding Fernan’s quill froze for a moment. Slowly, emotions began to return to his expressionless face.

Without even glancing at his aide, Fernan accepted the letter.

His eyes flickered ever so slightly as he read the contents.

The letter detailed Julia’s current life.

It said that she was living in a small town’s monastery.

She had found a place there, taking care of the children and fully becoming part of the monastery.

“…What’s the size of the monastery?”

“It’s not large. Being in such a small town, there aren’t many people.”

Fernan lowered his eyelids halfway. His golden eyes seemed calm, as if lost in thought.

After a moment, he lifted his gaze and spoke again.

“We’ll just watch for a little longer.”

“……”

“…Yes, just a little longer.”

It was attachment—pathetic, relentless attachment.

He knew now that Julia had no need for him.

But still, what if… what if, in the course of her life, she found a need for him, even in the smallest way?

It was a pitiful desire, but it filled a corner of his heart completely.

—

The Holy Kingdom quickly welcomed winter.

With the changing season, several things changed at the monastery.

Last autumn, an anonymous donor had made a substantial contribution to the monastery.

Because of that, the monastery had been busy for three months.

The internal facilities were renovated, and the old exterior was cleaned up.

The monastery, which had always struggled financially, now had more resources than it could handle.

This allowed for a much more comfortable life.

“I’ve heard they didn’t reveal their name or identity at all. It’s frustrating not to be able to send a proper thank-you,” Gabriel had said.

Usually, it was the grand temples that wealthy nobles or benefactors would donate to.

And they usually liked to have their names prominently displayed, not hidden like this.

Julia had seen the Marquis Elodie make a great fuss about his donation to the grand temple when she was young, so she knew it well.

How had the benefactor come to know of this small monastery and decided to support it? A faint curiosity arose.

Crackling, the sound of burning logs filled the room.

Julia sat crouched in front of the fireplace, recalling Gabriel’s words.

She placed the book she had brought from the library earlier on her lap.

During the renovations, a library had been set up at the end of the first floor.

So lately, Julia had taken to reading in front of the fireplace before bed.

Her body slowly relaxed in the warm and cozy heat. With a faint smile, Julia turned another page of the book.