Trials come without warning. So did Siena’s presence.
One day, she appeared suddenly, without any forewarning.
“Miss, did you have another nightmare?”
“It seems so.”
“Do you remember what the dream was about?”
“No, I can’t recall any of it.”
Three or four times a week, I wake up from a nightmare, either screaming or drenched in cold sweat before dawn. I have consulted renowned psychologists and famous psychiatrists, but none of them could help. The more treatments I tried, the worse my habitual headaches became, worrying my father and brother.
Because of this, I even take sleep aids or sedatives before bed, but they don’t help much.
‘If only medicine were more advanced… at least if the drugs were better developed.’
In the Holy Empire, where treatments using divine power by priests exist, research into chemical drugs is inevitably slow compared to the level of people. Considering that saints existed up until a hundred years ago and the founding heroes of the nation were holy knights, it might be unavoidable.
‘Still, it’s a shame.’
Since I’ve always had poor health and lived with various pains, it’s hard not to feel disappointed with the current situation.
“Does your head hurt?”
“A bit, but it’s bearable.”
“Shall I fetch a pain relief potion from the temple?”
“No. Pain relief potions are very precious. We must save them for emergencies.”
“But if your headache lasts, you end up vomiting everything you’ve eaten. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine. Rosie, it’s noisy outside. Could you check what’s going on?”
“Oh, yes! Please wait a moment!”
At my command, Rosie left the study to check the situation. After she left, I tried to continue reading the book, but I couldn’t focus.
‘It’s a book recommended by His Highness…….’
The content was somewhat difficult, but it was enjoyable to get to know the Crown Prince’s tastes. Maybe it was the noise at the entrance that distracted me, or perhaps the headache from the nightmare. That peculiar unrest might have been a prelude to the sorrow I was about to face.
Soon, Rosie returned, sounding flustered.
“Miss, you need to see this for yourself.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Well…….”
Rosie was usually cheerful and always had a smile on her face. Seeing her pale complexion, I sensed something was wrong. I immediately closed the book and headed towards the entrance. The hallway felt unusually short, the heavy air pressing against my skin. As I rounded the corner and saw the entrance, a young lady around my age was kneeling there.
“Father, what’s going on?”
“Selena, go back to your room.”
Father’s voice was harsher than usual. In retrospect, he was trying to shield me from the impact of Siena’s appearance. I turned my head towards the kneeling girl, Siena. Her unkempt hair, rough skin, coarse manner of speaking, and tanned skin were all unlike anything my father would normally encounter.
In other words, she was from a world far removed from mine. Despite that, I felt a strange sensation.
‘What is this?’
Was it déjà vu? No, it was something more acute and complex. A mix of longing, fear, dread, and anxiety—a primal sense that tingled down my spine. As I gasped for breath under this sensation, Siena’s gaze met mine.
“Oh.”
We looked astonishingly alike. Brown hair, golden eyes, and similar facial features. We could easily be mistaken for sisters.
This sparked an inexplicable emotion within me. My heart ached painfully as if it were being squeezed. It felt like I was floundering in a dark swamp.
“Ugh!”
Before I could even grasp what I was feeling, a sharp pain struck my head.
‘Screeeech!’
A figure and a scream flashed like a fleeting shadow. I gasped involuntarily.
‘What, what is this?’
Even though it was just a momentary scene, my heart felt like it was shrinking. Rosie, alarmed by my labored breathing, hurried over to support me.
“Miss, does your head hurt again?”
“I’m fine. Let’s go back. I need to… rest.”
If I stayed any longer, I feared I would collapse and embarrass myself. Struggling, I tore my gaze from Siena and turned to leave. It was then that I heard her speak again.
“Father! Please believe me. I can prove it.”
I stopped in my tracks. Something inside me plummeted. And from the spot where it fell, anxiety rose like a sandstorm.
‘Father?’
I turned my head swiftly as Father shouted angrily.
“Who are you to claim you’re my daughter!”
“Father, Count, please, just listen to me once.”
Father? Ever since I could remember, Father never had a lover. So, there couldn’t be an illegitimate child. My only sibling was my brother.
Yet, this stranger, who looked remarkably like me, called my father ‘Father’.
“Do you want to be punished? Take her away!”
“No, I’m Selena. I am Selena!”
“Silence! Who do you think you are! Selena, there’s no need for you to witness this. Go back to your room!”
Despite Father’s command, I couldn’t move. Each thump of my heart shook my world. Why did she claim to be Selena? I’m Selena. Why would she assert herself as me?
Ordinary people would laugh if a stranger claimed to be them, confident in their own identity. But for me, it was different. Though I am Selena, I lack the conviction of being Selena.
Because I have no memories from before I was kidnapped at ten years old, I don’t truly know who I am.
Therefore, my identity as Selena Estarion relies on the affirmation of others, not on an innate certainty.
So her words easily shook my sense of self.
‘Why are you saying that? You’re Selena? I’m Selena……?’
My legs stiffened, making it hard to cross the hallway. My body creaked as I turned back. Rosie was at my side, anxiously calling my name.
“Daring to speak Selena’s name! Take her away!”
The servants, Simon and Jerome, grabbed her arms and began dragging her away. She screamed, trying to continue.
“My mother left a letter for me before she died, ‘My dear child, I love you more than the sunlight.’ On my fourth birthday, Father taught me to dance by letting me step on his feet!”
Father gulped at her words. The servants, accustomed to reading their master’s moods, hesitated and awaited further orders.
The girl who claimed to be Selena continued to shout.
“Father and Uncle were sparring once, and a sword slipped from their hands, flying towards my brother and me. My brother leaped through the air to catch the sword, preventing an accident. I remember it was a hot summer day when I was only seven. Isn’t that right?”
I had no memory of these events. Every memory she recounted was foreign to me.
Kidnapped at ten and missing for nearly half a year, I was barely found and taken in by my family, but my memories were gone. I knew nothing of my fourth birthday or that summer day when I was seven.
The fact that she knew memories I didn’t unsettled me deeply.
“That could be something you heard from a servant or maid.”
My anxiety was growing more intense. Why was I so terrified of this? My reaction was almost like a reflex, like a knee-jerk reaction.
“Miss, please calm down.”
Rosie tried to soothe me. Clinging to her, I focused on Siena. Unlike me, she showed no signs of anxiety. She… seemed confident.
“Then how about this? I was afraid to sleep alone, so Father, no, the Count often left a glowing stone under my bed, saying it would keep the monsters away.”
“…….”
“And he frequently read me the storybook *The Secret of the Dancing Whale*. I still remember the story. There was another book, *The Fisherman Swallowed by the Shark*. And… and…….”
I glanced at Father. His face had turned pale, his expression one of utter shock. The ground seemed to crack beneath me.
Then Father turned to look at me. Was he trying to protect his daughter or discern the real from the fake?
“Selena. Go to your room.”
“Father, please, let me stay and understand what’s happening-.”
Father commanded in a stern voice.
“It’s an order. Go and take a sedative. Rosie, take her in.”
“Yes, Count. Miss, please, let’s go.”
I wanted to know what was happening. Rosie pulled me away forcefully. For the second time, Siena and I locked eyes.
The emotions tangled in our gaze were incredibly complex. For a brief moment, I feared she might resent me if she was the real Selena. But I quickly discarded that thought.
‘I am… I am the real one.’
I am Selena Estarion. I am twenty years old, with a father and a brother, betrothed to the Crown Prince, and have a friend named Amelia.
Selena is my identity… If I’m not me, then who am I?
It was absurd to have to prove my own identity.
“Miss, please, please go in.”
“Okay…….”
I am Selena, but why do I feel so uneasy that I can hardly breathe? But just as Siena exuded confidence, I tried to muster my own, dismissing her as a delusional girl as I followed Rosie.
Yet my chest felt tight because she had memories I didn’t. The intense anxiety was suffocating. To me, Siena was a symbol of that.
