I closed my mouth for a moment. What was I worried about? What was forgiveness? His face looked complicated, with many thoughts. I glanced over and saw Ian staring into my eyes.
“….I am.”
He stared quietly for a while and then slowly opened his mouth.
“Actually, I don’t know. What am I thinking and what should I do? I always did what I wanted and acted the way I wanted. There was no need to make things difficult, and the way I did it generally produced good results.”
Not knowing what he meant, I closed my eyes and lowered my head to listen to him a little more. With my ears open to him,
“But these days, whenever I try to do something, I feel like it’s not going well. I feel like I’m ruining things for no reason, I feel like I’m hurting people’s feelings, and my greed seems to be causing more and more anger, and in that sense, I need a week from Lawrence. I thought a lot about how time was taken by force. I thought I should be self-respecting, but I was blinded by greed again. It’s like this.”
The voice that flowed into my ears was calm, so I could feel his feelings. I thought that what he felt might be similar to mine. I also believed that my method was right, and the results it gave me were mostly positive, so I pushed ahead with it. Then, the first time I really fell was the assassination incident that happened not long ago. The plan that cost me my life also put the people around me in danger. The face of Ian yelling at me came to mind again. At that time, Ian was very worried about me. He felt sorry and hurt.
“So I wanted to apologize. Rather than just giving an apology in words, I wanted to do something Laurencia liked. I thought it would be best to look at something pretty, like the Portal Hill.”
My eyes widened at the words that came out of his mouth. When he turned his head, Ian smiled.
“Viscount Ajstain told me. Unfortunately, I don’t have the brain for that yet.”
I looked at his face awkwardly scratching his cheek and let out a small laugh. It was cute. I was grateful and amazing that he thought of me. However, I found it surprising that I thought of it as something cute and insignificant, rather than something serious. Is this the charm of this man? I looked at Ian with my cheek pressed against his knee. He also looked at me quietly and slowly opened his mouth.
“It’s a shame.”
“What?”
“Going back.”
Did he regret leaving this academy and returning to the castle? Or I return to Ajstain Castle. Was it regrettable? I looked at him quietly. The rain had stopped before we knew it, and the sunlight shining on us had a slightly red glow. Since there is a distance, even if we leave now, we will arrive by evening. but…. He bit his lip. Couldn’t I get an answer? I hoped he would give me the answer I wanted. That would be too greedy. He didn’t say anything or show any action, but that’s what I wanted him to do. I know that, but I wanted to hear it. My insides felt stuffy and clogged, and I felt like I was going to take a deep breath at any moment. Ian…
“Shall we go back?”
In the end, he got up without saying anything. Getting the answer I wanted couldn’t happen unless I moved on my own. I knew, but my heart was heavy and my body couldn’t get up easily. I just stared at him as he got up from his seat, gathered up his messy belongings, and put them into the basket. Is it going to be like this? Was this really the end? Was I too nervous and clueless? There was no answer and there was no one to tell me. It’s stuffy. I wished he could help me. Because anyone is good. Ian’s broad back looked cozy. I wanted to be hugged. I wanted to hold that back. I didn’t know what he’s talking about, but I wanted to stay with him a little longer. But I lacked courage. I really lacked the courage to ask him what he wanted to say to my back. Just like always. When I heard that Ercia and Beralt had betrayed me and were doing something stupid behind my back, I couldn’t ask. I alone believed that it was not true. I tried to reassure myself that I should trust my family, but foolishly, that was no different from running away. The courage to lose the man who supports me and my family. I just didn’t have the courage to check and accept it. If I had the courage now, would I be able to ask him what he meant? I thought about it for a moment, but there was no answer. Then, if you get an answer you don’t want, even this relationship could end up in vain, so you will back out. Just like running a business.
After putting the last items in the basket, I stood up and looked at his face as he stared at the sunset. His eyes were looking at the sunset, but I wanted them to be directed at me. Is it greed? I bit my lip and hoped this situation would never end. But since that didn’t happen, I just bowed my head again.
‘Stupid Laurencia. You will eventually lose everything.’
Just like before, this time too. Even if you return to the past, you cannot change in the end. You’re a coward with no courage. The devil inside chuckled. Yes, I was a coward. A coward who lost everything.
“Lawrence.”
When I raised my head, I met Ian’s gaze looking down from slightly above. He bent his knees slightly to show consideration for me.
“Are you sick?”
I raised my mind so that his question would sink in. Stupid person. Why didn’t you tell me first? You are such a bad person, you remind me of what Patricia said. A child’s admonition that you should confess your feelings first may be true. But I was a coward. A foolish coward, a courageous coward who lost everything. So I could say.
“What I said earlier was that I was disappointed…”
His eyes wavered. Would my voice shake too? I hoped it would reach him. Everything I feel, see, and think of.
“Me too.”
He bit his lip tightly and opened his mouth again, holding back the tears that threatened to burst out at any moment. I burst out laughing again at the sight of him looking at me with a blank face. With hot breasts… That was really it. Ian?” That’s all, really…?
“Is there anything you want to say to me…?”
Finally, my breath came out.
* * *
When I raised my head, I met Ian’s gaze looking down from slightly above. He bent his knees slightly to show consideration for me.
“Are you sick?”
I raised my mind so that his question would sink in. Stupid person. Why did he tell me first? He was a really bad person, he was… What Patricia said came to mind. A child’s admonition that you should confess your feelings first may be true. But I was a coward. A foolish coward, a courageous coward who lost everything. So I couldn’t say it.
“What I said earlier was that I was disappointed…”
His eyes wavered. Would my voice shake too? I hoped it would reach him. Everything I feel, see, and think of.
“Me too.”
He bit his lip tightly and opened his mouth again, holding back the tears that threatened to burst out at any moment. I burst out laughing again at the sight of him looking at me with a blank face. With hot breasts.
“…That was really it. Ian?”
That’s right, really…?
“Is there anything you want to say to me…?”
Finally, my breath came out. I couldn’t come to my senses because of the paradoxical feeling of wanting this moment to never end.
Time passed steadily and the paperwork that seemed like it would never end was unfortunately starting to show its bottom. The thought of her imminent departure made her feel a desire to possess someone. He was able to keenly feel how boring Ian’s life had been while being without Lawrence. He enjoyed being with her. Turning his eyes brought her into view, and speaking to her brought back a response, albeit curt. It was cute how she treated him in a business-like manner and adjusted her glasses, which were several times larger than her eyes. He wondered if Lawrence knew what he was thinking.
“Get some rest.”
But he also didn’t want to be reckless, so he forced himself to say something he didn’t want to say, and Lawrence made a strange expression on her face. Ian was deeply troubled. That’s why he caught her forcing herself to go back to her room. It was the first date request in his life.
“Is it because of contact with the Pierrot top?”
But she seemed to see it as part of her job. The next day, he was embarrassed to see her wearing a short women’s suit. He thought for a moment about what to do when she looked more embarrassed than him. Should he change his clothes and come back? But it seemed like it would take time. After handing her one of the blankets and sitting her down on his horse, Lawrence flapped her arms in a panic. After capturing her baby penguin-like appearance in his eyes, he got on her horse, held her in his arms, and slowly set off on his horse. After they arrived at the flower garden, Lawrence began playing with his arm with her lips. She then opened her eyes when he touched her lips, and she smiled at the embarrassed emerald eyes. He wanted to make fun of her. Lawrence rolled her eyes and stuttered as if embarrassed, and soon she shamelessly told him to touch hers as well. Ian flinched. At that moment, the first thought that came to his mind was ‘Where?’
As the time passed, he sighed as he thought that it was time to let her go. What kind of unreasonable effort did he have to make? It would be a nuisance to visit every day, but would it be okay to visit? Numerous thoughts ran through his head.
“It’s a shame. Going back.”
Everything was disappointing. He wanted to be with her more in this peaceful place. For Ian, this was the happiest moment. But she couldn’t be held back. She had her own life and couldn’t push her own feelings away. Her hands were slow in putting her luggage away, but her silence did not go away. When he finally got up from her seat and looked back at Lawrence, her face was distorted. Like she was a person who contains a lot of agony.
“What I said earlier was that I was disappointed…”
Lawrence’s expression seemed to be deeply holding on to something, so he listened quietly.
“Me too.”
The sound of her soft voice seemed to take Ian’s breath away. It was her honest voice that he received from her as she was not always good at expressing her own feelings. He felt more scared facing her than being in the middle of the battlefield. A single word from that small, pretty mouth could break Ian’s heart, pierce it, or bring him great joy.
Lawrence took in her deep breath.
“…That was really it. Ian?”
She was saying something. That one word, revealing her deepest feelings, cracked the dam blocking the waves of her emotions that Ian had been suppressing.
“Is there anything you want to say to me…?”
With that last word, the dam collapsed. A breath similar to a sob came out of Lawrence’s mouth. Ian looked at her blankly.
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Translator Note:
Hello there! This is RJR. I hope you liked it <3
If you like my work please support me with Ko-fi or Patreon. Next post will be released on September, 25.
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