I Don’t Trust My Twin Sister

If there was nothing to shake, there would be no need to shed the hard shell over my harsh personality. But he was embracing me and letting me hear his heartbeat.

‘It’s clear.’

No matter how stupid I was, there was no way I wouldn’t be able to hear the sound of his heart emitting through my whole body. Thoughts I vaguely noticed but tried to ignore came uncoiled and crawled into me. Then I understood: Ian didn’t like men.

Maybe it was a misunderstanding from the beginning, but I could only think that the assumption that Ian liked men was wrong. Yes, that way everything fit right in. But what would that change? I thought that even if Ian was not a sodomy man but a man who liked women, nothing would change. Could I love this man? I couldn’t tell. So I had to push.

“I’m sorry. Can you let me go now?”

“…”

He slowly fell away from me. Following his hand that held my hand until the end, I also slowly lowered my gaze and raised it again. I tried to look grave. Because I didn’t want to find out that I was shaken for a moment.

Ian looked very calm. However, at first glance, the shaking eyes and mouth caught my eye. Looking at his face, I was confused. What did he just say while hugging me? I couldn’t remember his voice.

“…is this for real?”

Actually, I didn’t mean to ask this. But I didn’t know what to say. I wanted him to open his mouth, but Ian just stared at me. He didn’t like silence without conversation, so he spoke first. Ian answered calmly.

“Sorry if I’ve confused you.”

“I didn’t ask for an apology.”

For some reason, my voice sounded a little sharp. Did Ian hear that too?

“I know it’s sudden. I know that there was a misunderstanding because of me, and I think my actions could embarrass you. It must be too sudden.”

It was verbatim right. Confusion, perplexity, trouble, all the words mixed up in my head.

“Actually, I’m a bit embarrassed too, I didn’t mean to be like this, but I got nervous after hearing such absurd words.”

“If it’s absurd… Are you talking about what I said? Profit or sodomy?

Well, that’s right. I mustered up a lot of courage in my game yesterday, but to figure it out calculatedly. It was pretty shocking. He scratched his cheek, slightly reddened. The sight of a man one head taller than me scratching his cheek seemed a little strange to me. I didn’t hate it though. It wasn’t a scene I didn’t particularly want to see, and I was like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you meant that.”

Even if there was a misunderstanding, it was true that one person’s sincerity was forcibly distorted. No, I knew. Somehow I thought that his words might not have other intentions. Even so, it’s no different than a forced misinterpretation, so I had no choice but to be stabbed even more.

“As you know, I’m no different from a merchant. I get pointed at as a lowly aristocrat who earns money and uses that money to keep my current position. Then, I get into the habit of giving meaning to all my words and actions and weighing the gains. I… I’ve only learned to live like this.”

“I don’t think it’s vulgar for nobles to make money and run a business. Doesn’t being able to succeed like this mean that you have great effort and ability? I respect that part.”

I bit my lip. It was nice to hear pure praise. It was the first evaluation I heard.

“Besides, I was able to get help because you made money. This is also true.”

“In the end, that’s an act of gains and losses…”

“You can see it that way, but thanks to you, a lot of good things happened.”

I tilted my head. What good things was he talking about; getting rid of the debt? When I made a face of incomprehension, he gently opened his brow. It looked much better than the stiff face.

“Even if it’s simply a contractual payment, thanks to the government welfare administration, which the principality had to reduce over the past 10 years, has returned to its original state. To put it simply, things like the nursery school business and medical benefits.”

“Yeah.”

“…”

Was that all? The dukedom had been putting in a lot of effort to protect the northern border from generation to generation. And the winter in the north was very brutal. That’s why soldiers dispatched in winter were given a little warmer winter clothing and plenty of stuff to fill their stomachs with.

“Food must be provided. But it is true that it has been a bit poor in recent years. But Lawrence, thanks to you, starting this year, I will be able to get new winter goods and eat warm food as before. Thanks to you for helping me.”

I had never thought of it like that. My grandfather always said to be generous with our vassals. That’s why he established numerous policies in the territory and released the budget for welfare. It was so natural. However, over time, these efforts were accepted as a natural right rather than welfare. To be precise, I also thought that these policies within the territories had established themselves as a culture. It was a small detail that I didn’t need to be thankful for, nor did I need to be condescending to. But now, Ian brought out and showed the advantages of my own financial power that I hadn’t thought of. Even I was just doing it for myself. What I did was not an investment for the public. It was a selfish investment that I only thought of. It was just deciding how Ian would use that investment.

It was 100,000 gold coins. If you decide to use it for something strange, you could use it carelessly. But he did not used it for himself.

“Even though you’re a noblewoman, you’re engaging in menial commerce. Do you think noblees like you would donate even a single gold coin for the people who are freezing to death? Right now, the soldiers who risk their lives to protect the security of the country in the north are starving. Do you think they’ll care when you’re there? Not at all. But Lawrence, you did just that. You generously spent 100,000 gold coins for them. It’s not something anyone can do easily.”

“No. That’s not what I did, I didn’t instruct the money to be spent. After all, isn’t it because Ian used the money properly?”

He shrugged. Did he mean ‘no’?

“People who can make good judgments and give wise answers are found everywhere. However, few people would use 100,000 gold coins casually. If that’s not a skill, I don’t now what it is.”

“…I used it for myself…”

“Yes. Exactly.”

What was he talking about? When I was having a conversation with this person, I often thought that the subject seemed to fall into the wrong place. When I looked at him with an incomprehensible face, he smiled lightly and spread his fingers.

“To be able to spend that much money on yourself. The fact that you chose me as the target. The same goes for the coming-of-age ceremony that took place yesterday. You need to value yourself higher than you think. You say it’s just money spent, that earning it will seem vulgar, but that’s proof of your hard work.”

“…that.”

“That’s why it’s so great. Gain-and-loss is the most basic human nature. Is that vulgar? No. You can make more rational judgments than anyone else. I don’t rate that as bad.”

I bit my lip. It was a very blatantly positive evaluation. And it was the first time I had heard of it. Extreme words were always used when referring to me. I was described as cool but that I did not trust people; hard worker and looked nice but had no humanity. I was told to be a calculated person who only valued beneficial relationships. I had heard a lot of these reviews. And I thought they fit me exactly. But Ian was telling a completely different story.

“That’s why I need you. To be honest, I don’t like men. I like women very much, but I just wasn’t interested because everyone demanded a lot of me like they wanted a prince on a white horse.” he laughed mischievously. Somehow I laughed too. A prince on a white horse?

“It doesn’t seem like it at all, but I think you’re the exact opposite of the prince on a white horse.” 

He shrugged.

“I think so too. No matter how you look at it, I’m far from that kind of person. Rather, that way suits you better. When I was tired and desperate, you appeared in front of me and held out your hand. I fell for you.”

“I am a woman.”

“Is that important?”

I thought about it carefully. The scene in which I, wearing a white horse and wearing a fancy suit, reached out to rescue Ian, who was wearing a dress. Ooh, this was weird.

He took one more step back, looked at me and opened his mouth slowly.

“I’m not going to approach you at once. My confession to you didn’t mean that I want you to love me right away or that I would give up my life. But I do have a crush on you. How about it, is this honest enough?”

“Can you really be that shameless?”

“That’s it.”

“Really…”

I shook my head. I couldn’t figure out how the atmosphere got so loud.

“Forgetting what I said yesterday, I’m seriously thinking of dating you. I won’t ask for an answer right away from you. I’ll admit I was premature.”

I was at a loss as to what to answer. But Ian continued to say whether he really wanted an answer from me.

“And, as I said before, I didn’t come today because I had business. I came to see you. I wanted to see your face before going back to the principality, so I don’t know if I came here for nothing and disturbed you.”

Facing his softly smiling face, I smiled too.

“I don’t know when I’ll see you again, but if you need me, call me anytime. Whenever you call, I’ll come running.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Yes. You are my creditor.”

“What, that made me laugh out loud. You can say such a thing even in this situation. I’ll write you often.”

“A letter?”

“Reply back then. Don’t ignore it.”

* * *

Before winter, I was going to go back to the mansion located on the Forral Hill. When it got colder, there were many problems with freezing on the way back. However, a few days ago, a letter from Aunt Mesha arrived. My aunt squeezed her handwriting with a heart of concern for me, my grandfather, and Ersia. The letter contained the story that the road was cut off due to a sudden heavy snow fall on the Porral Hill.

Winter was about to begin, but I remembered from my past memory it was going to snow already. Suddenly, I remembered people whispering that it was an abnormal climate. There were times like that.

Even then, I did not return to the mansion and stayed in the castle to spend the winter. Feeling helpless, I gave up on going to the mansion and stayed in the castle to do my business. My grandfather often went on business trips recently saying that he would visit the field with his old friend, so I did all the paperwork.

I stared at the densely piled papers. These days, I often encounter mountains of documents. Usually around the end of the year or the beginning of the year, all the paperwork for payment came from each region, probably trying to crush me with paperwork. No matter how hard I rolled the pen holder, the mountain did not decrease, but rather it felt like it was increasing.

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