Chapter 01
After my debut fell through at a major entertainment company, I moved to a mid-sized agency and successfully debuted as part of the four-member group ‘GANGSTER-M’.
The moment we debuted, we were in the spotlight—it seemed like all we had to do was walk the flower path from then on. But then…
“I’m sorry. It’s true that during my school years, I foolishly wanted to look cool and bullied other students. There’s no excuse. I don’t want to harm the group any further, so I’ll voluntarily leave. Thank you for all the love you’ve shown me.”
Exactly one month after debut.
The leader, the one we trusted and relied on, left the group amid school violence allegations.
“There’s nothing we can do. Let’s continue as three. We’ll rework the parts and choreography. We can’t just disband like this.”
At the CEO’s words, everyone nodded.
The one who left was gone, and we had to carry on as a group.
But then…
“I have nothing to say in my defense. I’m sorry. I’ve been dating my girlfriend since high school, and… the result of our love came too soon. I can’t bring myself to end a life, so I’ve decided to take responsibility for this ‘fruit of love.’ I’m sorry to my teammates, but I’m leaving the group to live as one woman’s man. I’d appreciate your support for my decision.”
Exactly three months after that, the main dancer—who had been dating his girlfriend since his trainee days—also left the group when she got pregnant.
Just when I thought we’d continue as a duo…
“The first time I drank was because of unbearable stress. After all the members left, anxiety about the future crushed me. Even though I knew I shouldn’t—especially as a minor—I ended up reaching for the hand that was offered to me. One drink made the weight on my shoulders feel lighter. And then, while drinking, a senior offered me… something. In my drunken state, I didn’t even know what it was. I’m sorry. I have nothing more to say.”
Even the youngest member left like that.
All of this happened within just one year of debut.
It was unbelievable.
Not just one person in the group, but out of the four who debuted, three—everyone except me—left not due to health issues but because of scandals.
But I couldn’t just give up.
The company hastily assembled a second-generation lineup to cover the losses from ‘GANGSTER-M’.
We continued promoting, but the response was terrible.
“I don’t want to see a group full of criminals. Birds of a feather flock together—what’s the name of the last one standing? Yoonseul? Seo Yoonseul? Whatever, she’s probably the same. Honestly, if three out of four members run away, how can anyone like them? Company, just cut your losses. You’re making a mistake.”
↳ “LOL the agency is something else. They should’ve just debuted a new group under a different name. What even is this? If they’re that reluctant to let go of Seo Yoonseul, they should’ve just debuted her solo. The group’s name is already tainted.”
↳ “I don’t trust anyone who came from that den of criminals. We all know how poorly you manage your artists—why would we stan?”
↳ “But one of them didn’t commit a crime?”
↳ “Not a crime, but in the idol world, it’s just as bad LOL.”
We were met with nothing but ridicule.
Some might say it’s better than being ignored, but that wasn’t the case.
Being hated by so many for something that wasn’t my fault was exhausting.
I thought that if I worked hard, people would eventually recognize my sincerity—but reality wasn’t a fairy tale.
“Is it because of the name ‘Gangster’? They really live up to it.”
↳ “The name speaks the truth.”
↳ “LOL even real gangsters aren’t this bad.”
↳ “But how does one group end up with this many criminals? That’s talent. Amazing.”
“They’ve left a permanent mark on K-pop history. They deserve a spot in the Guinness Book. The fastest idol group to collapse due to crimes. That’s skill.”
↳ “But isn’t Yujin different? Sure, premarital pregnancy was a mistake, but he’s taking responsibility and living well. Comparing him to criminals is…”
↳ “Yujin’s wife got sponsored home decor, rubbing salt in fans’ wounds. She even posts sponsored baby products.”
↳ “Seriously? That’s crossing the line. Hurting fans even after leaving? Now that’s true fan betrayal.”
I flipped my phone over, knowing that reading more would only harm my mental health.
Not sure if my throat was burning from anger or thirst, I went out for water and saw Hyunsu—one of the second-gen members—about to leave.
“Where are you going?”
“What’s it to you? What, are you my mom now? Back off.”
“Don’t do anything stupid! The public’s already against us.”
“The public opinion’s already trash. At least if I own it, I’ll feel better. I’m tired of wasting five years chasing something that’ll never happen.”
With that, he slammed the door and left.
There was no way I could get along with the second-gen members.
They’d joined with big dreams too, only to face this nightmare.
“They must need someone to blame. They probably think the group would’ve succeeded if not for me.”
Honestly, I understood.
I’d feel the same way.
“Should I really leave the group too? After all that effort…”
My mouth tasted bitter.
When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by a painfully familiar scene.
I’ve relived this moment in my dreams so many times since that day—I can’t forget it even if I try.
A shoddy backdrop made of white fabric draped over a practice room wall, a spare desk and chair from the office.
The black suit they made me wear for the apology broadcast, the makeup deliberately dulled to make me look haggard.
Once again, I was trapped in this nightmare, identical to the past down to the smallest detail.
“This is so fcked up.”*
“Seo Yoonseul.”
Kim Seongcheol, our manager, called my name in a threatening tone.
“……”
He’d been controlling and oppressive since before debut.
“Not answering?”
“Why was I ever scared of this guy? It’s not like he could actually hit or kill me.”
Back then, just hearing my name from him made me tremble.
Even when I’d done nothing wrong, I’d always apologize first, walking on eggshells.
“I’ll do as I’m told, so stop yelling at me.”
Every time I dreamed this, the same events repeated.
But strangely, today, the words in my heart spilled out.
“W-What did you just say?”
I was surprised, but the manager looked even more shocked. His face turned red, then purple.
Seeing that felt… refreshing.
“If only I’d said this sooner.”
“I’ll do what you want, so just leave me alone.”
It was liberating.
Finally saying what I’d held back for years—maybe today’s dream was a gift for the day we performed on stage to zero applause, yet still gave our all.
“Do you really think I’d say something like that if I were sane?”
The manager grabbed his neck, let out an angry groan, and—
“Hyung, calm down.”
“She’s clearly not in her right mind. Let it go.”
“Maybe she drank? Liquid courage.”
The stylist and road manager quickly stepped in to placate him.
Watching them, I clicked my tongue.
“Since it’s a dream, I should’ve just punched him in the face.”
“Yoonseul-ah.”
“Yes?”
“Are you okay? You seem… different today.”
It was the staff member who’d always been kind to me.
“I’m fine.”
They were the only good memory I had from this company.
“I hope they escaped and moved to a better place.”
“Sit down. The live broadcast is starting soon. You know what to do, right? Cry and apologize. Make people pity you.”
I stayed silent.
I wouldn’t do as they said.
The manager exploded again.
“If he keeps raging like this, he’ll age fast. Then again, that’s probably why his skin’s already ruined.”
Despite being young, his rough skin was undoubtedly from all that anger.
“Hey. Are you mocking me? Now you’re straight-up ignoring me?”
“Yes.”
At my blunt reply, he raised his hand.
In the past, this would’ve terrified me—but now, I felt nothing.
No, actually—it was laughable.
“This isn’t a fight club. Are you about to hit me? Go ahead. I’ll run straight to the police station.”
At the mention of the police, his hand froze mid-air.
“You’re only getting away with this because the broadcast is starting soon.”
He stormed off, breathing heavily.
“Sure, sure.”
“Just hit me already.”
If he did, maybe I’d wake up from this nightmare and skip the broadcast altogether.
“Going live now.”
The broadcast began.
“Apology broadcast? What’d you do this time?”
“LOL the suit says it all—100% scandal.”
“What’d you mess up now? Let’s hear it. Please don’t tell me it’s the same as the others. That’d be disappointing.”
I hadn’t even spoken yet, but the comments were already mocking me.
“What did I even do wrong? They’re the ones who told me to apologize.”
That one apology ruined my life.
Everything I’d lived for—never harming others, just trying to live normally—was erased.
“I’m not here to apologize.”
Even though this was a dream, saying what I wanted lifted a weight off my chest.
“What the hell are you doing?”
The manager, forgetting we were live, snarled in a voice full of menace.
“That doesn’t work on me anymore.”
“What did I even do wrong?”
“What’s happening?”
“Is she fighting with the company? What’s going on?”
“Wasn’t this supposed to be an apology? But she’s refusing, and the company’s mad?”
The live chat filled with question marks.
They seemed confused.
“Why did they assume I’d committed a crime in the first place? After seeing what happened to the others, why would I do that?”
“Everyone, I won’t apologize. No—I refuse. I did nothing wrong.”
Now there was no stopping me.
“Why should I apologize for what the others did? It’s not my fault.”
