More than others rejoicing at my death, it was this man’s casual utterance of such words that weighed heavier on my heart. Yet his face remained utterly impassive.
“It’s regrettable that it has come to this in the end.”
“…”
“Considering how you used to flatter endlessly to return to the capital, I can only apologize for not being of more help.”
The man sneered at me with a humorless face. It wasn’t much different from our usual arguments.
But wasn’t I to be executed tomorrow? We were once husband and wife, sharing our lives and bodies, yet these were his cruel words to me on the eve of my death.
I had long known that he didn’t welcome me, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt by such cold treatment. Even the most ill-mannered men in the marketplace wouldn’t be so heartless to the woman who bore their child.
My throat burned with indescribable misery.
“…Do you think I want to die?”
Emotions suppressed under the guise of resignation suddenly surged up.
Do you find me that detestable? To treat me so harshly even in my final moments. I never wished for this outcome…
“I should never have met you.”
I blurted out the words and then drew my own conclusion. Yes, thinking about it, that was the root of all this.
If I hadn’t followed him to the capital, the Emperor would have forgotten about me forever. He wouldn’t have cared whether I was alive or starved to death in that desolate land.
“Then I wouldn’t have had to lose my child before my eyes.”
“…”
“Even if I had starved to death. At least I wouldn’t die so dishonorably.”
I knew what I was saying was nonsensical and unreasonable. After all, it was I who had clung to his sleeve in that barren land where life could hardly thrive.
It’s just that dying like this felt too unfair. My life was a mess from beginning to end. Looking back, it seems I always chose the worst option among the choices presented to me. Or perhaps there were no good options to begin with.
And tracing back the origin of these events always led me to the man standing before me.
“I shouldn’t have followed you. I truly regret it.”
For the first time, a crack appeared in the man’s hitherto calm face.
“What’s the point of regretting now? Our daughter has already left this world, and you will soon lose your life at the Emperor’s hands.”
There was no emotion in the man’s voice. It was just matter-of-fact.
“Don’t be so angry. The marriage you found so unbearable will soon be over.”
He spoke mockingly as he slowly bent his upper body. Our distance suddenly closed. We were close enough that I could clearly see my reflection in his violet eyes.
The gaze I met at close range was as cool as ever, but it was clear that the emotion lurking within was different from usual.
Perhaps it was because I had spent my entire life reading others’ moods. I was incredibly quick to notice when someone hated me. So it was also easy to detect the impurities mixed in with contempt and disgust.
For instance, Marianne despised me but also envied me. Dahlia feared me while simultaneously pitying me. But his emotions were far more complex and deep. It seemed like anger, but also resentment.
Before I could ponder the true nature of his feelings, his face contorted in anguish.
“You never loved me anyway.”
His voice sounded somehow reproachful, and I couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh.
“Isn’t that the same for both of us?”
“…”
“Am I wrong? I know you didn’t divorce me only because of our child. Why don’t you be honest now? We’ll never meet again anyway.”
When our child was alive, what an excellent father he had been.
After our daughter was born, despite hiring a wet nurse, he took care of most of the child-rearing himself. Except when he absolutely had to leave home, he practically lived with the baby in his arms.
He would read fairy tales to the child who could barely understand words, and when she showed signs of drowsiness, he would sing lullabies until she fell asleep.
While most children usually say “mama” first, Soliet’s first word was “papa.” It was only natural. Soliet spent most of her days in his embrace.
For this reason, it was clear why he couldn’t ultimately cast me aside. Unfortunately, I was the woman who bore the child he loved more than life itself. If he rejected me, it was inevitable that the position of the child I bore would be jeopardized.
He was a man who paid particular attention to every piece of clothing the child wore. No matter how much he disliked me, he wouldn’t do anything that might lower his daughter’s status.
The man said nothing in response to my cold reply. Instead of speaking, he gazed at me with an unreadable look and slowly reached his hand through the bars. I instinctively tried to avoid his touch, but he paid no heed.
“My foolish love.”
His rough palm cupped one side of my cheek entirely. The vivid sensation was so overwhelming that I didn’t even register what he had murmured.
Unlike his emotionless face, the touch caressing my cheek was quite affectionate, and I froze up like a teenage boy. I belatedly realized it had been a very long time since we had touched.
As I looked at him with a surprised face, the corners of his mouth suddenly curved into a faint smile.
“If there’s a next life, I hope we never cross paths again.”
“…”
“One such mistake is enough.”
His gentle voice slowly flowed into me, piercing deep into my heart like an awl.
The touch on me was warm, but his words were as cold as frost. I couldn’t help but understand that the “mistake” he spoke of was allowing me into his life.
Although I already knew this painfully well, hearing it directly from his lips made my blood run cold. Barely swallowing the tears that were welling up, I glared at him.
“…I despise you.”
The trembling voice was pitiful, devoid of any consideration or sympathy. Despite trying to hold them back, tears rolled down my cheeks.
“I despise you. I’m truly sick of it now!”
I cried out as if making a final struggle before death. Yet, deep down, I hoped he wouldn’t abandon me. Even if it wasn’t love, I just wanted to be by his side.
He always sneered that I only wanted his title, but that wasn’t true. What I always needed was him.
However, full of stubborn pride, I couldn’t bring myself to be honest even at this moment.
I was no longer a princess, and the child that had bound us together was dead. There was no reason for him to stay by my side anymore. I knew this better than anyone.
I feared his rejection more than anything else in the world. Although my husband didn’t love me, he was the only person who had accepted me, making him the only one in my life.
So, the mere thought of being abandoned by him was miserable. But if it was going to happen anyway, I wanted to leave at least a small scar on him.
Someday after my death, even if he lived forgetting everything, he would naturally remember me when he saw traces of me.
I know it’s a base emotion. Nevertheless, I wanted him to never forget me and our child for the rest of his life. Even if those memories were rooted in hatred.
“You know what? I’m going crazy with regret for all the years I’ve lived as your wife. If it weren’t for you, my life wouldn’t have been such a mess!”
As I screamed desperately, the man’s lips twisted. He didn’t bother to respond. Instead, he slowly stood up, placed his right hand on his chest, and bowed his head.
It was the etiquette typically used by nobles to treat royalty. He was clearly mocking my status, which had been stripped away.
He looked at me, seething, for a moment. As if trying to engrave my image in his memory one last time.
“May you be well.”
With those final words, he turned his back. And he never looked back at me again. I desperately shouted at the man who was getting further and further away.
“Even in death, I will never forgive you!”
These cries, close to curses, were ultimately a final struggle born from the fear of being alone.
I had hoped, however faintly, that at least my husband would mourn my death. Even if there were more unhappy times in our married life, it wasn’t as if there were no happy moments at all.
But in the end, it was all a futile hope.
He ultimately abandoned me.
****
As morning broke, I faced my last day more calmly than I had imagined. Maybe it was because I had cried my eyes out all through dawn. Although even that wasn’t out of attachment to life…
I stared blankly at the sunlight seeping through the cracks in the stone wall. It felt strange to think that this would be the last sunlight I would see. Isn’t the rising and setting of the sun a natural law of this world?
Tomorrow, tomorrow’s sun will rise. But for me, this was the last.
At noon, the executioners would burst into the prison, and I would be moved outside the prison with my entire body bound by thick ropes.
Given the significance of the day, the guard who had been watching the prison was bustling in and out more diligently than usual.
As I quietly observed this scene, perhaps misunderstanding my gaze, he approached me, wagging his finger and making threats.
