Episode 53
05. Realization Through Death
Several days passed.
By the time the newspaper articles about how Lu and I had been in mortal danger began to die down—
“Isn’t it about time we went to look at wedding dresses?”
Lu suddenly said this while eating breakfast. I blinked, fork in hand.
“Oh. That’s still a thing?”
“Of course.”
Lu shrugged with a smile.
“Or were you planning to ignore my dying wish? Are you really that cold-hearted?”
“…You have a real talent for making terrifying jokes.”
The word “dying wish” brought back memories of being trapped on the ship.
When the water was rising and death was closing in.
Even then, Lu had maintained his usual demeanor.
Asking me to pick out a dress and tuxedo—was that really something someone who had just been shot should say?
The thought made me chuckle dryly.
“Well, I don’t really mind going out, but…”
There was no avoiding the wedding anyway. Might as well get it over with quickly.
“But what?”
“I’m worried about your arm.”
I looked at Lu’s right arm, still wrapped in bandages.
Wasn’t it difficult for him to even eat with that arm?
If he went out and walked around, it might put a strain on him—wait.
“Why are you holding your fork with your left hand?”
I blinked several times.
“You said not long ago that using your left hand for a fork felt awkward, and I even had to feed you.”
“Oh.”
Lu pressed his lips together for a moment before letting out a short sigh.
“Charles, you really don’t know me at all. That’s disappointing.”
“What are you—”
“I’m left-handed.”
He casually twirled his left hand and smiled.
“But food tastes better when you feed me.”
“…”
Maybe I should stop being friends with him.
I seriously considered it for a moment.
***
Putting aside whether or not to continue this friendship, I started preparing to go out.
“You and the master seem to be getting along even better these days. He looks very happy about it, too.”
Marianne said as she arranged my dress.
“Haha. Does it seem that way?”
“Yes, very much.”
Well, since our dramatic reconciliation a few days ago, Lu had become a little softer.
And since we had agreed to be friends, there was no need to keep snapping at each other. That could be why it seemed that way.
“Everyone at the wedding will be envious of your relationship with the master. Even I am jealous!”
Ahem. I coughed lightly and turned my head. It was a little embarrassing.
But Marianne didn’t seem inclined to stop talking.
“When you first arrived, do you know how much the master emphasized taking good care of you? That’s when I realized—he truly loves you.”
The beginning?
I widened my eyes and looked at Marianne.
“What exactly did he emphasize?”
Marianne grinned, as if holding onto some hidden secret.
“Didn’t you ever wonder how James recognized you at a glance?”
I blinked several times.
James. That was the coachman’s name.
On my first day in the empire—
He had recognized me the moment I stepped off the train and guided me to the mansion.
“It was because the master showed your picture to all the servants.”
My picture?
I searched my memory.
Come to think of it, we had taken a group photo during my class’s Guardian gathering.
Did he cut out just my face and show it around?
“And he always said the same thing.”
Marianne continued.
“You looks even prettier in person.”
I felt my face heat up instantly.
He had been saying such embarrassing things behind my back? I had no idea.
“That’s why we all remembered your face. And the moment we saw you, we realized the master was right.”
“T-That’s…”
My face burned like it was about to explode.
Did Lu really pay that much attention to me?
For some reason, my palms started sweating.
“You’re even cuter when you’re flustered.”
Marianne said softly, looking at me warmly.
“No wonder the master loves you. You’re just that cute and lovable.”
Ugh. I buried my face in my hands and shook my head.
‘No, no. I’m not a good enough person to deserve those words.’
It wasn’t just Lu’s actions that embarrassed me—it was also the awkwardness of Marianne’s kindness.
Marianne had been like this from the start.
From the beginning, she had firmly believed I was a good person and treated me well.
That’s why a small part of me always felt guilty.
Because, in truth, I wasn’t such a good person.
‘I should tell her now.’
Thinking that, I cautiously lifted my head and looked at Marianne.
“There are a lot of truly, genuinely, incredibly good people in this world. Compared to them, I fall far short. So when you say things like that… I can’t help but feel embarrassed. Ashamed.”
Marianne blinked several times.
As if she was replaying my words in her head to fully grasp them.
“My lady.”
She had stepped closer to me before I realized it.
“The very fact that you say such things proves that you are a good person.”
Then, she gently took my hands and clasped them.
“There aren’t many good people in the world. Kind people are even rarer. In fact, there are far more bad and cruel people.”
“…”
“But you don’t just focus on the dark side of things. You pay more attention to the bright side.”
“…”
“And that alone makes you a good person.”
Her gaze was warm.
So warm it felt like it might burn me.
No—perhaps I had already been burned.
By kind people like Marianne and Lu…
Perhaps I was slowly being consumed by their warmth.
That’s why I was scared.
That I wouldn’t be able to remain myself.
That I would become too used to this warmth and be unable to return to who I once was.
‘I am…’
Deceiving them all.
“And this might be overstepping, but…”
Marianne hesitated slightly.
“Go ahead.”
“Most people only see others’ flaws while lifting themselves up. But… you only see the good in others while putting yourself down.”
She gently stroked my hand.
“That worries me.”
“…”
“Because I truly think you’re a good person.”
Words rose to my throat, but in the end, I didn’t say them.
I just smiled and whispered inwardly.
I’m not a good person.
I can’t be a good person.
Because I’m deceiving all of you—I’m a very bad person.
***
“You’re here?”
The moment the carriage door opened, the first thing I saw was Lu’s ever-handsome face.
“Today, I arrived first. I always make you wait, after all.”
“…How thoughtful of you.”
I sat down on the carriage’s sofa, pointedly avoiding Lu’s bright smile.
And then—Lu suddenly leaned in.
“Charles.”
His gaze swept over me as he spoke.
“You don’t look well.”
• ❁ • ❁ • ❁ •By Esraa• ❁ • ❁ • ❁ •