Episode 21
I blinked.
This was the third time I had heard those words since returning to the Empire, yet no matter how often I heard them, I could never get used to being called “charming.”
Because it didn’t suit me.
As I remained silent, only rolling my eyes, Lou let out a small chuckle.
“Everyone thinks so. They just don’t say it out loud.”
I frowned slightly as I recalled my time in Cataclysm.
— You picked up some street rat, and now he thinks she’s a real agent. Know your place.
— What’s the use of throwing yourself around like that? Your brain can’t even keep up.
No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much effort I put in, the people of Catacle never acknowledged me. They despised me.
I accepted it as something inevitable.
Because I was someone who could never be loved.
And yet…
I was being called “charming.”
A bitter smile escaped me.
“You’re mistaken. That will never happen.”
“Charles.”
But Lu was firm.
“I’m sure of it. Think about your time in the Guardians.”
The Guardians…
— Hey, hey, hey! Charles is here!
— Let’s have a secret drink tonight. Thanks to you, we wrapped things up safely. It’ll be on us!
Fine. I’ll admit it.
They treated me well.
Even noble ladies like Everlyn Floria were kind to me.
But…
‘I’m deceiving them.’
Those who knew my true self hated me,
While those who fell for my lies liked me.
What conclusion could I possibly draw from this?
‘That no one could ever truly love the real me.’
A sharp pain pierced my heart, and I let out a sigh.
“Even Mardi sees you as charming.”
Lu added,
“Didn’t she take such good care of you today?”
Suddenly, I remembered how Mardi had stopped me just before I left.
— If you go out dressed so lightly, you’ll catch a cold! At least wear a scarf.
I blinked several times.
“Mardi doesn’t see me as charming… I think she’s just worried.”
Lu smiled softly.
“Isn’t it more like you don’t want to believe it?”
I tilted my head, not quite understanding.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m saying that sometimes, accepting the sincerity of others is important too.”
I held my breath for a moment. Lou continued,
“Charles, you don’t take care of yourself sometimes… You need to feel the concern of those around you a little more.”
The concern of those around me…
Was there really such a thing?
For a brief moment, my memories of Catacle surfaced, only to vanish just as quickly. I felt the warmth in my cheeks fade away, turning cold.
“What’s more important than that is completing the mission. There’s no need to care about other people’s feelings.”
Lu’s expression became unreadable.
He looked down at me with an almost pitiful gaze.
Feeling uncomfortable under his stare, I instinctively lowered my head.
“Charles.”
Lu spoke again.
“I want you to be happy.”
“…Why?”
“Because that would make me happy.”
My head shot up.
Lu was smiling more gently than ever before.
His expression was as bright as sunlight, full of warmth.
“So,”
He extended his hand toward me.
“Let’s do our best.”
…Do our best at what?
“The mission.”
“…….”
Ah.
The mission.
He really knows how to be confusing.
***
When we returned to the mansion, Mardi greeted me as if she’d been waiting.
“Miss Charles! You’re back! Let me see—are you hurt anywhere? Do you feel cold? Any chills?”
“Uh, no, no. I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.”
“That’s a relief!”
Mardi sighed in relief, pressing a hand to her chest.
Just then, Lu, who was handing his coat to the butler, spoke up.
“It seems I’m invisible. I went out dressed lightly too.”
“Oh ho, but Mr Lu, you’re always so healthy.”
Mardi completely ignored Lu’s grumbling and tugged on my arm.
“First, let’s get you a bath. Then I’ll have dinner ready for you right away. Does that sound alright?”
“Yeah… That’s fine. Thanks.”
“Think nothing of it!”
Mardi held my hand tightly.
The unexpected warmth startled me, making my eyes widen.
But if I shook her off, it might make him feel awkward—and for some reason, I also felt Lu’s gaze on me.
So, reluctantly, I let Mardi lead me upstairs.
“I added lilac oil to the bath today. It should help calm your mind.”
Mardi said as she helped me undress in front of the bathroom.
“That’s nice and all, but…”
Avoiding her eyes, I continued,
“Hey, Mardi.”
“Yes?”
“Why are you doing all this for me?”
Mardi’s eyes grew round. Hesitantly, I watched her lips before speaking again.
“I heard from Lu… that you were heartbroken when you saw my scars.”
“Ah… W-Well, that’s true.”
“But I don’t want your pity.”
My scars were enough to evoke sympathy and pity in anyone.
But I didn’t want that.
It wasn’t just that I was content with my life as it was now.
If people pitied my past, it would make me feel like everything I had endured, everything I had survived, was meaningless.
“That was the past. The present is now. I’ve forgotten all of it. I barely even remember anymore.”
That’s why I didn’t want to look back.
I only wanted to focus on the present and the future.
“So… I appreciate you looking out for me, but I don’t want you to see me as pitiful.”
Mardi, who had been holding my outer garment, slowly lowered her head.
I wondered if I had hurt her, but what else could I do?
This was something I had to make clear.
“I suppose…”
Mardi lifted her head again and spoke slowly.
“It would be a lie to say there’s no pity at all.”
“Yeah.”
“But the feelings I have for you are more than just pity. It’s something greater than that.”
“Something greater?”
“Yes. It’s just…”
Mardi forced a smile, a hint of bitterness in it.
“I want to hold the past you in my arms.”
For a moment, my heart dropped.
“I want to tell you that everything will be alright, that things will get better soon, that even if it’s hard, you shouldn’t give up. I want to hold you and say those things.”
My brows furrowed instinctively.
Not because I was upset by Mardi’s words—
But because something inside me was welling up.
If my past self had heard those words…
Would it have been easier to endure?
Would I have tried harder to survive those hellish days?
I didn’t know.
But one thing was certain—Mardi’s feelings weren’t just sympathy. My eyes trembled.
“Why… Why go that far?”
Mardi answered without hesitation.
“Because I love you.”
…Love.
“…….”
My heart felt strange.
I had always believed that I was incapable of being loved.
That someone like me had no right to be loved.
That love was something I could never receive.
I was so sure of it, and yet…
“I just want you to be happy.”
Why were they all saying this to me?
From Lu to Mardi.
Even though…
‘I’m deceiving all of them.’
I was a spy, sent from the Empire to the Holy Kingdom.
So, if Lu’s words were sincere—
— I want you to be happy, Charles.
Then I was betraying him.
Which meant…
I could never be happy.
I must never be happy.
• ❁ • ❁ • ❁ •By Esraa• ❁ • ❁ • ❁ •
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