Chapter 60: The Ember That Will Someday Die Out
Michael’s eyes lost their light in an instant, darkening as if sinking into the abyss.
Of all the silences he had kept, this one was the most uncomfortable.
‘He must’ve been upset when I said twice that I wouldn’t love him.’
It was understandable. He had said he loved her, only to be told she wouldn’t love him in return.
‘If I really fall in love… it’ll hurt.’
She already knew too well what that felt like.
‘I need to apologize. Even if I don’t love him, I’ll respect him. I’ll faithfully fulfill my duties as his wife. I’ll do my best to make us look like a reasonably happy couple in others’ eyes. And then…’
She never wanted to feel it again. Estelle realized just how selfish she truly was.
Because she didn’t want to drift away from him, because she wanted to be closer to him, she crossed the line he had drawn.
She had narrowed the distance between them.
‘Disgusting, really. Even though I know I shouldn’t do this, I still end up like this.’
But when Michael actually reached out to her, she pushed him away.
“…It doesn’t matter. I won’t care even if you don’t love me. I’ll just love enough for the both of us. I won’t ask you to love me. That’s not why I told you I loved you.”
Michael spoke quickly, saying she didn’t need to love him, that he wouldn’t expect it. He didn’t even call her out for calling him “Your Highness” instead of “Michael” this time.
But still—saying it out loud didn’t make it easy.
One-sided love never lasts.
It leads to pain when affection isn’t returned. Your emotional state ends up depending entirely on the other person.
“Just… don’t love me either, Your Highness.”
A brief moment of kindness could spark hope, only to trap her in a muddy swamp of emotions. She would become the weaker one by her own doing.
That’s what one-sided love was.
“It’ll just hurt. So let’s just stay… not too close, not too distant.”
Estelle knew exactly how that would end.
She also knew what kind of wounds she’d sustain through that process.
Wounds so deep she wouldn’t be able to climb out of them, and in the end, she’d be consumed.
“Estelle.”
For the first time, the way he said her name felt cold.
It used to sound affectionate or playful, but now it was sharp, as if laced with thorns.
“If that’s what you want, I’ll keep my distance—neither too close nor too far.”
“…”
“But don’t try to dictate my feelings. I’m not asking you to love me. But don’t tell me not to love you, either. Whatever else you want, fine—but my emotions belong to me.”
Why was he angry?
Wasn’t it better than being hurt by love that would never be returned?
She only said it so that he wouldn’t have to feel that pain.
And yet—
‘Estelle. Do you love me?’
‘…Yes, Leonov. I love you.’
‘That’s a problem. I don’t love you. I have no intention of doing so. Even so, will you still love me?’
‘It’s fine. I won’t be greedy. I won’t bother you asking for love.’
‘Strange. I don’t get it. How can you keep loving me like that?’
‘I don’t know. Love just works that way. I know I should stop. I know the more it grows, the more it’ll hurt. But if you tell me not to love you… I can’t.’
Why was she remembering this now?
She knew how hard it was to control feelings.
Yet she had tried to tell Michael not to love her.
Just like he said, she tried to restrict his emotions, to bring them under her control and block them.
Fine. Even if she said nothing now, his feelings would eventually fade on their own.
A fire that once dwindled out doesn’t take long to die again.
There was no need to tell him not to love her.
Michael reached out and tucked a stray lock of her hair behind her ear.
“…I didn’t mean to get angry. If I scared you, I’m sorry.”
Estelle flinched and shut her eyes tightly.
‘I’m not scared… I’m sorry. I’m the one who should apologize.’
But it was Michael who ended up saying sorry.
“Estelle. I have a favor to ask.”
“…Please, go ahead.”
“When you say that, does it mean you’ll grant it?”
She wanted to say yes—as long as he wasn’t going to ask her to love him.
‘Does he want something for a dowry? If it’s within my means, I should give it to him.’
She wanted to wash away the unease, to apologize in whatever way she could.
“Will you…”
“……”
“No, just—don’t die. Just stay by my side. I’m not asking you to love me. Just breathe… I mean, don’t leave me behind.”
But he left her with no room to apologize.
“Even if things get unbearably hard, even if you’re too exhausted to keep going—don’t die.”
“That’s all? You really don’t want anything more?”
“Yeah. That’s all. This is everything.”
She wished he’d asked for something else instead. Estelle couldn’t understand Michael, who continued to give even now—for her.
It wasn’t the first time she couldn’t understand him.
‘It’s not like I was planning to die anyway…’
Even if he hadn’t pleaded with her so desperately, Estelle had no intention of dying. She had always wanted to live.
She died suddenly. Just days before the day she’d longed for, murdered in the winter she had loathed so much.
And then she wandered, watching others quickly forget her death and move on to happiness.
‘So of course I don’t want to die again.’
She had been stuck, unable to touch or be seen by anyone.
“Promise me, Estelle.”
“…Alright.”
“Thank you.”
Don’t thank me. Don’t smile like that.
She had promised not to love him. Because the ending was already too easy to predict.
She didn’t want to choose a fleeting emotion that she knew would only lead to pain.
“Keep that promise. I can’t handle it a third time. I don’t want to see it again.”
His voice was full of desperation and fear.
She hoped he’d help her stay firm in her decision—not to love.
‘What am I doing…’
She knew she’d be hurt if he acted cold, and yet here she was.
She felt sorry for him. The guilt weighed on her shoulders, making it hard to even look at him.
‘Because I’ve felt love fade before…’
It would probably fade again soon.
‘Then we can live as a decent enough couple. I won’t be greedy. And if he meets someone else one day, I’ll cheer for them.’
That way, his love for her would vanish like a paid-off debt.
“Estelle. Will you smile for me?”
“…What?”
“Smile. I want to see you smile. It still feels like a dream. Like I’ve lost it and I’m just seeing a hallucination.”
She clenched her teeth hard—just as he often did. As if to suppress the urge to get closer.
“So you won’t smile for me, huh.”
If she smiled, the wall she had barely managed to build would crumble.
It was painful for both of them—pushing him away yet leaving room for hope.
“…Why did you dance the first dance with me at the debutante ball?”
Estelle changed the topic, steering toward a conversation they’d never finished.
‘Even if Leonov did it because of pressure from the Empress, Michael had no reason to. He said he only started taking interest after the entrance ceremony. So at the debutante… there shouldn’t have been any reason. Why?’
She hated to admit it, but she didn’t think he was the kind of person who’d take pity on a lonely girl.
“At first, I was just curious. It didn’t look like the person you were waiting for would show up. And you looked so envious of the others dancing in the hall.”
Hmm, so maybe it was pity? She felt a bit awkward—she had just decided a few seconds ago that he wasn’t that kind of person.
“So yeah, I did notice you. But it wasn’t because I felt sorry for you. I was tired, and I’m not generous enough to help others for no reason.”
“Then why…?”
Michael lightly tapped the bridge of her nose. He whispered, “Don’t frown. Relax your face.”
“Our eyes met. And your eyes were beautiful.”
“…You’re saying that to avoid admitting it was pity, right? It’s fine. You don’t have to lie.”
Estelle had never thought her eyes were pretty. She often wished they were pink—or at least violet like Rahelrn’s, which resembled the Duke of Winchester.
“I’m not lying. I asked you to dance because I wanted to see your eyes up close. Guess I’ve been deceived too many times.”
“Yeah, I’ve been deceived so much I don’t believe it anymore.”
She couldn’t help being snarky. Asking to dance just to see her eyes? That couldn’t be true.
Surely the real reason was that he wanted to build rapport with the Winchester heiress.
“Well, I did have another reason.”
“I knew it. What is it?”
“I think I fell for you. I used the ‘want to see your eyes’ excuse. But back then, I didn’t realize it. That I’d fallen for you.”
Hey dear readers, the advance chapters of this novel are now available on Patreon. Also I’ll be posting chapters of my other novels there more frequently than here for some time due to some technical issues. Make sure to not miss your favourite novels. Thank you, have a nice day.✨❤️
