Chapter 59 – I Won’t Love You
“The student council is supposed to set an example, but if we’re too busy dating, we can’t do that. The dean had no choice.”
The dean always said that if any officers were caught dating, they’d be kicked out of the dorms. That’s how much he hated relationships between council members.
“How…”
Michael opened his mouth in astonishment. He looked genuinely surprised for a moment.
“You said it exactly the same way. I already had a feeling, but still.”
“…Did I really say that?”
“Yeah, you did. Every time we met in secret, you said things like that to calm me down.”
Lost in memory, he smiled fondly.
“Not that I would’ve revealed us even if you hadn’t said anything.”
“You always said you wanted to change the dean, but I guess you were afraid of being kicked out of the dorms.”
“No. If it was just the dean, that wouldn’t scare me. I could deal with him.”
“Then was there another reason?”
Michael suddenly stiffened.
He had been smiling just a moment ago—did he always erase his expression like that? He seemed skilled at controlling his emotions.
“I’m an illegitimate child. People might flatter me on the surface because I’m a prince or whatever, but deep down they think I’m filthy. If it got out that you were dating someone like me, it wouldn’t be good for you.”
“Why do you talk like that…”
“I didn’t want to ruin your reputation. If you were just a noble lady from a minor family, maybe it wouldn’t matter. But you were a noble duke’s daughter. Of course it would—”
Why does he assume things like that are natural?
The people who looked down on him for being illegitimate never actually suffered any harm from him.
“…Estelle, why are you crying?”
The Duke of Winchester, Lucas, Leonov, the Empress.
Maybe it was because everyone she met recently looked down on him for being a bastard child.
She felt upset that Michael, who knew this best, had taken care to hide their relationship on his own.
Illegitimate child.
“A child born between a man and a woman who weren’t married… Yeah, I can understand. Sometimes illegitimate children do cause families to fall apart.”
She imagined the person she loved having a child with another woman. It wasn’t a pleasant thought. She’d probably feel so betrayed, she’d want to tear them apart in rage.
So she understood why people might look at an illegitimate child with dislike.
‘This is too similar to my situation…’
But still, the child isn’t at fault. It’s not like they chose to be born that way.
‘My Lord, you’ve had enough to drink. Please stop. Someone, take Lady Estelle to her room!’
‘Let go! If it weren’t for her, Alicia wouldn’t have died! My life was ruined! Why did you have to be born… why did Alicia have to—’
‘I’m sorry, Father… I’m sorry…’
‘Why were you even born? Huh?’
Every year on her mother’s death anniversary—also Estelle’s birthday—the Duke of Winchester got drunk and poured out his deep resentment.
There was something she always wanted to ask him.
‘If I had known it would be like this, I wouldn’t have wanted to be born.’
‘I was born because of you, wasn’t I?’
‘Why do you act like it’s all my fault?’
‘Why did you even let me be born?’
‘It’s not like I chose to be born this way. Why do I—and why does Michael—have to hear things like that?’
Before she knew it, Michael had come over and gently rested Estelle’s head on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”
He consoled her so gently.
“What are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything wrong…”
Which just made her more frustrated. He was pushing aside his own feelings and panicking just because she was crying.
Saying he was sorry.
She knew that wasn’t what he meant, but somehow, it sounded like he was saying being born was a mistake.
She knew how tiring it was to comfort someone crying.
“So this is how you felt… when I cried earlier.”
This person—how could he…
“I didn’t speak well. No—what I said wasn’t right. I see now that you didn’t do anything wrong.”
Even in moments like this, how could he still be so thoughtful and say exactly what she needed?
“Nothing’s changed. You’re still the same.”
“…Don’t you hate it? Isn’t it annoying when I cry like this?”
Suddenly, she was scared. What if he actually found it annoying? What if he thought her crying was a nuisance?
“You probably don’t remember, but you cried like this at graduation too. So heartbroken. Even though your hands were freezing, you kept waiting outside.”
There was no way she could forget.
Not only had her father skipped her entrance ceremony, but he didn’t show up for her graduation either. So she stood there in tears, waiting for him.
On a snowy winter graduation day, Estelle cried endlessly, not even feeling the cold. She couldn’t bring herself to go inside, just in case he might come—even if it was late. She waited outside the whole time.
It was just that Michael wasn’t part of that memory Estelle had.
“Back then… I just thought I liked you. That it was fun being with you, that I liked you in a casual way. I didn’t think I’d ever fall in love or meet someone I could love in this life.”
“…”
“But I was wrong. I get so cautious just touching you, and yet you come back hurt from somewhere… and keep crying. I wish you wouldn’t cry. You’re prettier when you smile. What should I do to make you smile?”
He wasn’t annoyed. He didn’t mind the tears. He just… wanted to make her smile. He wanted to see that smile.
“Estelle. Do you want me to make you forget about those people?”
“…How—”
Before she could finish, Michael gently cupped her chin.
He swallowed the words she was about to say.
“Like this.”
He softly pulled away after a kiss and spoke tenderly. With the gentlest touch, he wiped her tears and brushed beneath her eyes.
“They’ve stopped now, haven’t they?”
She was embarrassed. She’d been crying so much, and yet one kiss was all it took to make her stop.
Maybe it was the suddenness of it, but she even hiccupped, unable to catch her breath.
“I love you.”
“W-what did you just—”
“Didn’t hear me? Then I’ll say it again. I love you.”
There was a limit to how shameless someone could be. Estelle flushed in surprise.
He was the one who said “I love you.”
So why was her heart fluttering and her head in chaos?
“Is saying that… easy for you?”
Her breath was still uneven, making her stammer.
‘I should’ve said that more clearly!’
If she could find a place to hide, she’d vanish right then and there.
“I didn’t say it lightly. And I wasn’t teasing.”
“Then… why…”
“Because I couldn’t say it back then. When you confessed your love, I didn’t say it in return. So now, I want to say it properly.”
…She couldn’t take it. How was she supposed to respond to something like that?
All she could do was turn her head so he wouldn’t see her face about to burst, and press her lips shut.
“Why are you embarrassed? Is ‘I love you’ such a strange thing to say?”
There he went again, teasing her.
“Then… why did you do that?”
Finally, she voiced the question that had long weighed on her heart.
“You said you realized you loved me at graduation. So why—after we got married—why couldn’t you say it then?”
She knew that even the most passionate love had an expiration date. That it would end someday. That no matter how intensely it burned, it would lose its heat.
But every ending had its reason.
People fall out of love. They get tired. Their love doesn’t weigh the same anymore.
“Why were you so cruel? You said you loved me—so why did you leave me all alone?”
“…”
He had just been teasing her moments ago, but that one question made him fall silent.
When she first heard it from him, she hadn’t understood. It was someone else’s story, after all.
But now, she could feel it deeply. And it made her feel wronged.
“Was I too clingy? Did you find me annoying? Why couldn’t you keep loving me?”
She’d been lonely. Maybe… if the feelings hadn’t faded…
“Then why are you saying you love me now? If you were going to love me again, why did you act that way back then?”
If things had gone differently, their story might have had a different ending.
Maybe they wouldn’t have lost their child. Maybe she wouldn’t have died.
They wouldn’t have fallen apart. They would have loved their child together.
“…I’m sorry, Estelle.”
“Don’t say you love me so carelessly.”
What if he really did fall in love again—only to fall out of it once more?
“You’ve done it once already. So doing it again wouldn’t be hard. You could say you love me and then grow cold again.”
“…I—”
She was scared. No matter how much joy she felt being with him, how her heart raced with every kiss, how fascinated she was to learn new things about him—
She was terrified that if she loved him and got hurt again, she wouldn’t survive it.
‘Sister, do you know what Prince Leonov said to me in the greenhouse?’
So this time—
“I won’t love you. I’m not going to love you, Your Highness.”
She wouldn’t believe him.
She couldn’t afford to.
It was pride—her last line of defense—to endure what might come.
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