Chapter 56: If I Lose Another Child
“You don’t want to… have a child?”
As soon as Estelle heard those words, the question ‘Why?’ immediately filled her mind.
‘Is it because you don’t want to have a child with a woman you don’t love?’
Although Michael didn’t say anything, the answer seemed to come right after.
“Do you remember saying that you’d divorce me in three years?”
“…I remember.”
How could she forget?
He had said it clearly. They were in a relationship that was wrong from the beginning, and he didn’t want to bring the same misfortune to her.
At the time, she hadn’t expected him to explain why, so she had just briefly thanked him for his kindness.
In truth, she had wanted to ask him about his reasons for wanting a divorce.
She avoided asking because she didn’t want to create conflict.
“Can I ask why you don’t want a child?”
“…”
“No, please answer me. I think I have the right to know. Why do you say you’ll divorce me in three years?”
Sometimes it felt like they were getting closer, but at moments like this, it felt like they were only growing further apart.
The reason for this distance was their unwillingness to share their true opinions in the first place.
Estelle found it hard to endure this gap.
“…The Empress thinks you’re infertile. What good would it do to have a child? There’s no real reason.”
It was a lie.
If that were really the reason, he would have suggested waiting until they could plan for a child without the Empress noticing. He wouldn’t have said he would divorce her in three years.
“What about the divorce?”
“Estelle, I’ve already mentioned it. You can have as much alimony as you want…”
“I don’t need alimony. I have enough already. You didn’t take my opinion into account when you said you’d divorce me, saying it was for my own good.”
What kind of misfortune had they both endured that made him approach her warmly, only to push her away again?
“If we divorce, rumors will start flying. Would they say we divorced because we couldn’t have a child? Would they think I’m sick or defective? Ah… did you hate the Duke of Winchester’s daughter so much that you would abandon her?”
In the Valderman Empire, when a couple divorced, unless the man had committed a serious crime, the woman became the prey of gossip.
Even though nothing had been proven, people would start asking questions until they found the real reason. She would be the subject of whispers wherever she went, and the recipient of pitying glances.
“Estelle, I didn’t think of that. Please forget I ever mentioned the divorce.”
Michael seemed genuinely regretful, his eyes softening in a way that suggested he hadn’t intended to cause her distress.
She knew he had made efforts to be considerate. She knew that he hadn’t said he wanted to divorce her because he hated her.
“I don’t know what you mean by ‘misfortune,’ Your Highness, but couldn’t we just try to work together?”
It frustrated her. She didn’t want him to think about breaking up before they even started.
“We tried… and nothing changed.”
“We haven’t tried yet. How would you know it’s the same if we haven’t tried?”
…This was too much. She hadn’t meant to raise her voice this much.
“I didn’t mean to get upset. I’m sorry. I just want to be alone for a moment.”
She needed some time to calm down and think logically.
Right now, all they were doing was leaving wounds that couldn’t be erased.
At that moment, Estelle’s wrist was pulled back as she tried to leave.
“…Your Highness.”
Michael embraced her from behind. He slowly buried his face in her shoulder.
It was the same position they had been in when they played the piano together, but the breath against her neck felt different.
It was far more urgent, far less relaxed.
“The reason I didn’t tell you exactly why I don’t want a child is because I didn’t want to show you my worst side.”
“…Your worst side?”
“My father betrayed my mother, and my mother always wanted to kill him. She never managed to, but… Can a man like me, with parents like that, really be a good father to a child?”
The confession Michael made was heavier and more intense than Estelle had expected.
Since his back was turned to her, she couldn’t see the expression on his face, nor could she guess what kind of emotions prompted him to say such things.
Instead, she decided to share her own thoughts.
“I feel the same. I’ve never truly been loved. I’ve always been lonely.”
Estelle had never received love from the Duke of Winchester, and because of that, she didn’t know what kind of parent she should be.
‘I wish Teacher Erde was my mother. Would you adopt me too? I won’t be a bother. I’ll go to sleep early, study hard, and I’ll promise not to be picky about food.’
‘Miss, what are you talking about? I haven’t even married yet! No, I don’t want to.’
‘No…?’
‘…I didn’t mean I don’t like you, Miss. I dislike the Duke so much that I don’t want to marry him and become your mother. But… I can still love you. I love you now.’
However, she had been loved by someone other than her parents.
“Estelle. It’s okay. Let it out. Tell me everything that’s weighing on your heart.”
There had been someone who loved her.
And that made her desire for a child even stronger. She wanted to give her child all the love she never received.
She also wanted to see what kind of adult her child would grow into, and who they might resemble.
“I’m curious. What kind of child will be born? So, I think you should reconsider. If you’re afraid or unsure about being a good parent… you can learn, right? You’re a kind person, so you can do it.”
“…It’s the same.”
His voice, responding quietly, was filled with regret.
“What do you mean?”
“Estelle. The reason you made a different choice from the past is probably because you remember how you died, right?”
“…What does that mean?”
“Don’t be too surprised. I’m the same.”
He made it so she couldn’t deny it. She couldn’t ask anything else, nor respond.
“I had a child. It was less than six months after we got married.”
She hadn’t expected him to openly bring up the past memories like this. Estelle’s assumption was completely wrong.
“It was a relationship by obligation, and our relationship wasn’t smooth. We barely ever ate together, and we never slept in the same bedroom. When I woke up in the morning… I knew you’d be upset that I wasn’t in the bed, but I avoided you anyway.”
It felt strange. It was hard to even imagine, and it didn’t seem like a made-up story. Yet, it felt like he was talking about a completely different person from the man he was now.
“And then, you lost the child because of me.”
“…”
“You cried when you heard it for the first time, and you couldn’t sleep properly at night. But you endured. You said you might try for another child when your health improved.”
It was heartbreaking. She hadn’t had a child, nor lost one.
But just hearing his voice, she felt a pain as if her heart was being torn apart. It felt like she had lost a child, a child whose face and name she didn’t even know, and she longed for them.
“And then… when the doctor told you that you could never have children again, you broke down.”
“…”
“You couldn’t even cry out loud. You heard the sound of a newborn crying in your mind, and you had nightmares about losing the child again. You couldn’t even breathe properly.”
So that’s why. That was why she had heard the sound of a baby crying at the Marquis Aslan residence and in the palace.
“I got angry at you, asking how a dead child could cry, and I kept telling you that it was all just a dream. When you couldn’t breathe properly, I told you to breathe slowly and not panic.”
So that’s why he had known how to help her breathe slowly without panicking, having been through it himself.
“There were many people who had lost children, and I told you it wasn’t just your sorrow. I said it didn’t matter if we didn’t have a child. I thought it was a way to keep you from blaming yourself…”
Mikhail’s voice was hoarse, and she could feel him barely holding back his emotions.
“You thought I wasn’t very sad about losing the child.”
Estelle turned her body to face him, pulling away from him.
She looked into his eyes, where large tears were forming.
“…Were you sad?”
“Of course. I was sad. I wondered a hundred times if it was right to miss a child who died because of me. I knew I wouldn’t be a good father if the child was born, but I promised myself I wouldn’t raise them the way I was raised.”
Estelle gently reached out and touched his cheek.
“Did you love them…?”
“Of course I loved them. How could I not? It was our first child, yours and mine.”
Michaelleaned slightly against her.
“If they looked like you… they’d be so beautiful. I wonder if it would be a son or a daughter. What color would their eyes be? I had so many things I wanted to know about the child.”
Even though he said he wasn’t sure he could be a good father.
“You can just be honest like you are now.”
He was already a good father.
“Estelle.”
“…”
“No matter how careful we are… there’s no telling what might happen.”
Tears fell from his eyes.
“What if you lose another child?”
“…Your Highness.”
“And then, if you leave me again? What would I do then? How would I live?”
The deep fear in his wet eyes made Estelle’s heart ache.
She lowered her hand. Michael was shaking so violently.
