The moment their eyes met, thick tears began to fall from the boy’s eyes. Alessia looked at Kaon as if she were seeing something strange for the first time in her life.
‘Why is he crying?’
The eyes, which she always thought looked like those of a deer when he wasn’t frowning, were filling with tears again and again, and his smooth mouth was contorted miserably. His eyes and lips trembled slightly, and tears kept falling.
‘Why is he crying so much?’
Alessia wondered as she watched Kaon cry sorrowfully.
It wasn’t the first time she had seen someone cry. The young mages of Ingelos also cried from time to time.
They cried when they were upset about failing a test, when they weren’t recognized by their parents or couldn’t satisfy themselves, when they failed an experiment, or when they got injured because they couldn’t control their magic properly.
But none of them ever cried for someone else. In Ingelos, tears were a symbol of weakness. When someone cried, they were secretly ridiculed and considered weak, even if no one showed it outwardly.
Alessia had always cried only for herself. Her tears mostly stemmed from frustration and pain, and she cried because she felt pity for herself and resentment toward the world in such situations.
But Kaon didn’t seem to be crying for himself. He had no reason to. So, who was he crying for? For her? That was what puzzled Alessia.
If that were true, why? Because he couldn’t protect her?
Of course, as an elite knight, Kaon had a duty to protect the mage, but Alessia wasn’t a particularly useful mage in combat. She wasn’t a real mage.
The right choice for him had been to defeat the monsters as quickly as possible rather than wasting time protecting her, and he had done just that.
On the other hand, Alessia was too weak to face the monsters alone, and she couldn’t perform miraculous magic to save a knight in danger. So she had chosen the easiest option. She had thrown herself at the monster.
That had been her choice. Therefore, Kaon Ferdinand had no reason to feel guilty. All the problems were because of her, weak and useless as she was. Just as everyone in Ingelos had said.
“Why are you, why are you like this?”
Kaon, seemingly realizing his state, covered his tear-streaked face with his large hands and spoke haltingly.
“Do you have more things you’re hiding from me? Like being able to fend off monsters with your body?”
Suddenly, he was saying something ridiculous. If she had such an ability, she wouldn’t be lying here like this. Even though she thought that, Alessia didn’t bother to respond. She knew he wasn’t asking because he didn’t know.
“If you don’t have such abilities, why did you throw yourself in there? Do you have multiple lives? Can you come back to life if you die? Do you think people will cry tears of gratitude if you do that? Who told you to risk your life, who asked you to do such a thing…?”
Kaon, who had been shouting in agitation, suddenly bowed his head, still covering his eyes. He seemed unable to control his emotions.
Alessia stared blankly at him. She couldn’t understand why Kaon was angry. Her keen perception and quick mind pointed to one reason, but she couldn’t believe it and couldn’t grasp it.
She knew that Kaon Ferdinand still had some lingering feelings for her. But in the end, she was an outsider, and the knights of Ferdinand were his people.
When the moment of choice came, she thought he would inevitably choose his own people. How could he not?
So, Alessia had also chosen to protect his people. That way, she would gain a little more trust. She firmly believed that it would be more beneficial for her future to incur a debt than to rely on a fleeting emotion that could disappear at any moment.
“When I said that you must be cold-hearted because your body is cold, why did you just listen?”
The voice that flowed out quietly was drenched in guilt. Alessia easily recalled that day.
“Why do you always wear long dresses even in the middle of summer? It’s suffocating to look at. Should I call Deborah to make you something new?”
“If you don’t look, it won’t bother you, will it?”
“…You must really be cold-hearted for your body to be so cold. Do as you please.”
It was just a normal conversation. Even on sweltering days, she stubbornly insisted on wearing long-sleeved dresses, and everyone who saw her made a comment, so it wasn’t unusual for Kaon to say what he did.
“Why did you just listen to such a thing? You should have shouted that I didn’t know anything and slapped me!”
However, Kaon looked like he wanted to do something about his own outburst. Even though she was fine with it.
After all, how could she not be? Those words were spoken by people who didn’t know any better.
Moreover, she had no intention of revealing her circumstances then or now. The scars were just hideous to look at, and she didn’t want to explain the details.
In Ferdinand, she wanted to be seen as a well-loved young lady, not a girl who had survived harsh abuse like a weed.
“Why do you make people feel so bad?”
She had lived well, pretending to be a beloved young lady. Although it wasn’t planned, risking her life had earned her some gratitude for the time being.
So, wasn’t everything working out? Just as she thought that, a voice filled with suppressed emotion reached her ears.
“Madeleine cried all day when you collapsed. She kept asking why someone smaller than her daughter was lying here, why you were so hurt.”
Madeleine? Alessia paused. It made sense, considering how kind-hearted Madeleine was. When Alessia first arrived in Ferdinand, Madeleine had been cold, but she quickly warmed up and treated her well. Seeing her in such a state would have shocked her.
Alessia sometimes imagined what it would have been like if Madeleine were her mother. She probably would have come to her room several times a day with food, saying she was too thin. She still did that often, so she would have done even more if Alessia were her daughter.
If she had a mother like that… She didn’t know. Alessia tried to imagine more, but no specific scenarios came to mind.
“What about Lily, who talks to you so much? She didn’t leave this room for a moment while I was out on patrol.”
Lily was cheerful and bright. She was the one who helped Alessia quickly become friends with the maids. She said she liked Alessia’s kindness but was upset that she was too mature.
Lily said her younger sister was a year older than Alessia but was so immature that it was surprising.
Lily took care of her. Alessia managed to clench her weak hand and then release it.
“What about the other maids? The head chef? The knights? Do you think they didn’t care? Do you think no one paid any attention to you while you were in Ferdinand?”
Alessia wasn’t stupid. She knew that Kaon was trying to tell her that everyone was worried about her. Her sharp mind and keen perception had already informed her of the reason. Even though she knew the reason, she couldn’t accept it. She couldn’t believe it.
Even though she had always been aware of others, she had never thought that anyone would worry about her. That was because there was no history of it. Even her parents and family hadn’t, so it was only natural.
“What do you think I felt?”
But looking at Kaon Ferdinand, who was staring at her with tear-reddened eyes, she couldn’t help but believe it. The proud boy trying to pretend he wasn’t crying was undoubtedly telling the truth.
The people here genuinely cared about her. They truly cared about her, who had merely tried to fit in every moment to live a little more comfortably.
“Don’t ever do that again. Value your life more. If you can’t, then think about the people who care about you.”
Ah, Alessia finally realized what she had done. For the first time, she understood the basic fact that her getting hurt could cause pain to someone else.
That night, Madeleine, Lily, and the other maids came to see her. The women gathered in the room burst into tears, one after another.
In the midst of them, for the first time in her life, Alessia cried out loud in front of others.
***
Alessia slept, took medicine, and slept again. Her body, which had needed that much rest, continuously demanded more.
In a dazed state, she repeated eating and sleeping until she finally managed to sit up. She couldn’t quite grasp how long she had been lying down. Her body, including her arms, still ached and stung with every movement, but she felt refreshed, indicating she had slept well.
“Kaon.”
“You’re awake? Are you hungry? Should I get you something?”
When Alessia quietly called out, Kaon immediately entered the room as if he had been waiting and checked on her condition. She had asked one question, but he responded with three. Feeling a bit dizzy, she put a hand to her forehead, and Kaon, startled, rushed closer. Alessia shook her head slightly to indicate she was fine. It was just a bit of dizziness from lying down too long, nothing serious.
“No, I’m not hungry right now. But how many days has it been? What about the patrol?”
“You slept for three more days. The creatures seem to have taken some hits too, so it’s quiet. Don’t worry about it. Why is a patient who hasn’t even recovered yet thinking about patrols?”
Kaon responded gruffly, but he couldn’t hide the concern on his face.
He busied himself, filling an empty glass with water and closing the curtains before it got too dark, moving diligently like a personal servant. Trying to change the atmosphere, he mentioned that she would be quite busy once she fully recovered.
“I know I have to work harder to make up for the time I couldn’t go out.”
Alessia nodded calmly. She was already feeling uneasy for not fulfilling her role as a mage in Ferdinand for several days. She planned to get back to work as soon as she recovered a bit more.
“Stop talking nonsense. Who told you to work? Just rest. Don’t move.”
But Kaon, looking genuinely annoyed, scolded her. His frown showed his frustration. When she looked at him, confused, he hesitated before speaking.
“The knights have a lot to say to you. I said that because they might bother you.”
🍉🍉🍉
