The room was completely dark.
He couldn’t hear the wind or the sound of rain.
But the sound of the ghost young man drag racing exploding on the street was very clear across two windows, as if the car with the person would blow up.
Bian Shengjian laid quietly in the darkness listening to these sounds, feeling a bit confused as to whether it was daytime or nighttime.
The passage of time had lost its meaning to him because the bed next to him was cold.
He could only judge the passage of time from the most basic physiological reactions: for example, before falling asleep, he felt a lot of pain in the head and hunger in the stomach. Now that he had awakened, although his head no longer hurts, his stomach still had a cramp, as if someone was pinching it inside. Calculating in this way, it must be dawn.
Bian Shengjian turned over and wanted to pick up the phone to check the time, and then remembered that he had thrown the phone card and charger out of the window a few days ago. It had been so long, it should have run out of battery at present.
He paused, then retracted his outstretched hand.
Never mind.
He rubbed his eyes with difficulty, but he still felt that his eyes were blurred, his consciousness was a little unclear, and he didn’t know whether it was because he had slept too much or was simply hungry.
… Judging from his performance in the past few days, the latter was probably a little bit more likely.
He didn’t even mention to Li Fei and Tan Ming about running out of the school without a word of greeting, he thought it was troublesome.
Previously, before turning on the mobile phone, he could not finish the calls and the overwhelming text messages that had made him very irritable. Although he also knew that every message represented anxiety and worry, at this time, he really couldn’t muster enough energy to encourage others saying “Don’t worry, I’m fine”.
It’s impossible to be fine, he is really not fine now.
Thus, he simply refused to communicate.
But in the past few days when he ran out while holding his breath, he had indeed done a lot of things, which in his own opinion were pretty stupid things:
For example, finding Lu Shen’s tomb.
On the first day, Bian Shengjian ran into the first cemetery he could find with his bag on his back, and despite the rain, he looked at the tombstones all over the mountains and fields but couldn’t find the target he wanted – none belonged to Lu Shen’s tomb, neither an anonymous one.
That day, he went back to the street soaked all over and casually searched for a homestay, and after laying down and sleeping, he developed a high fever that night. If the landlady hadn’t found out after the rounds, and had been sent to the hospital in time, he would have probably burned his brain out until dawn.
The next day, after Bian Shengjian’s fever subsided, he paid and left the hospital alone without saying a word, and went out to the hospital’s small shop to buy an umbrella and pack it in a bag. After that, he drove to the next cemetery.
Of course, he didn’t know the distribution of the cemetery here, and everything was just that the driver told him where it was, so he went there.
Still got nothing the next day.
On the third day, he continued to search, but couldn’t find anything.
On the fourth day, Bian Shengjian did not find the tomb, but walked to the riverside, and watched the surging river under the bridge. He sat on the stone next to him for a long time, although passers-by said that he probably did not know that there was a tragedy here before, but he always felt that the river had a strange magic, and he couldn’t get tired of staring at it until the sunset. Because only at this time could he feel a sense of unease after a long absence. As if as long as he kept sitting down, the pain would go further and further away from him.
When night fell and the cargo ship transporting sediment on the river blew its whistle for the first time, Bian Shengjian got up and left.
On the fifth day, he continued to search for the tomb.
But in fact, a semi-small city where the Fourth Middle School was situated did not have so many cemeteries, thus Bian Shengjian barely found a martyrs cemetery after asking many people.
So on the fifth day, he still got nothing.
Sixth day, seventh day, eighth day…
Almost half a month had passed since the day he left school, and Bian Shengjian felt that his mental strength had reached a threshold within the tolerance range, so he found a clean-looking homestay on the street. The landlady wanted to talk to him several times, but he simply closed the door and fell asleep on the bed.
Until now.
Bian Shengjian opened his eyes. Because he slept for too long, he felt very tired now. Even if he only took a few steps to take a shower, he couldn’t lift his energy.
But at this moment, some ambient sounds finally flooded into his ears, such as the wind blowing through the curtains, making a slight sound, and the bathroom faucet making a dripping sound when it was not tightened. He held his breath for a while before slowly exhaling the breath he was holding.
Only these voices could remind him that he was alive at this moment.
But he still felt weak.
Very, very weak.
The loneliness of waking up alone at dusk was already unbearable, not to mention that his current situation was even more suffocating than at dusk.
Bian Shengjian turned slightly to face the wall, and it took several seconds for him to turn back.
The sideways posture was not very good, tears tended to fall down along with gravity, although even he himself didn’t know if he could still cry.
Forget it, stop crying, cry again and you’re really a sissy.
Bian Shengjian thought about a lot of things when he was in a daze for the past few days, love, people, and a pile of mess. By the way, he could also understand why those little girls like to scream when they see armed police or firefighters, but when it comes to talking about marriage, everyone seemed to become timid and afraid, faltering and saying that they were not good enough for them.
But to be more frank, the girl would say: I don’t want to marry, I don’t want to be a widow at a young age!
Bian Shengjian sighed.
He was already a bit confused about his specific mood when he answered Lu Shen’s confession, he only remembered that his heart was beating very fast.
But promising to talk to him about this, that it’s a relationship that was destined to break up. He was really fucking courageous.
But to be honest, he regretted it.
Regretted why he didn’t transfer early on, why he made friends with Lu Shen, why he agreed to be with him, why he…
I regret it.
I regret it, I regret it!
Bian Shengjian took a deep breath, and pressed his head against the wall and knocked hard a few times before suppressing the pain that had surged up.
Unable to find. He thinks.
Bian Shengjian, what are you doing? Unable to find!
This map of the country, what if Lu Shen is not buried here at all?
What if he doesn’t have a tomb at all? If there was anything, he should have told him early on.
…Not telling him may be because he is afraid that he will be sad, but in his current state, how can it be better than being sad?
Lu Shen, you bastard.
Fuck you bastard bastard bastard, I don’t want to fucking find it anymore.
Bian Shengjian gritted his teeth, feeling that he couldn’t breathe for a moment.
“Dear, you have to remember to come and see me.”
I couldn’t help but find it.
Bian Shengjian took a breath, and slowly climbed up against the side of the bed despite the numbness and pain.
Because he had said that, he had to find it.
He didn’t bother to look into whether Lu Shen wanted to express his thoughts or not. Anyway, that idiot couldn’t speak clearly when he was alive, and he didn’t expect to give him any accurate information after his death either.
With his eyes closed, Bian Shengjian took out the longevity lock under the pillow, slowly slid across the cracks with the same cold fingertips, then squeezed it tightly and pressed it to his chest.
Lu Shen, you are an idiot.
Idiot, idiot, idiot.
If you want to go, just go! Why leave something behind for me!
Do you want me to forget you or not to forget you?
How fucking selfish.
Just as when Bian Shengjian felt his eyes warm up again, he heard a slightly hasty knock on the door. “Young man? Young man, are you there?”
“Yes.” Bian Shengjian was stunned for a moment, thinking that another ward round was about to be made, but after he opened his mouth in response, he realized that his voice was hoarse. From the corner of his eyes, he caught a glimpse of the glass of water on the bed cabinet. Without thinking, he took it and drank it for half a mouthful, then cleared his throat vigorously before finally making a sound, “Yes!”
“Open the door?” The landlady slapped the door panel and shouted, “Hurry up, open the door!”
Bian Shengjian hesitated for a moment before slowly getting out of bed and opening the door. Not only did his bones feel weak, but even his feet felt a bit somewhat stepping on empty air when he stepped on the floor. “What’s the matter…”
As soon as the door was opened, the landlady was startled by his pale face, she pinched his shoulders up and down with her thick hands, and her tone seemed to be scolding her disobedient son. “Young man, what the hell are you doing? What’s the matter? A few days of not going out, and not calling out either! Didn’t you eat any food? Let me tell you that you will ruin your own body! Is there anything you can’t think about when you are young? You……”
“I’m heartbroken.” Bian Shengjian finished speaking in a hoarse voice, and raised his hand to close the door, but the landlady quickly pressed against the door and shouted, “Don’t close it!”
“… What’s wrong?” Bian Shengjian was taken aback by her, but his eyes were still unwavering.
“I made you a bowl of noodles. I’ll bring them over to you soon.” The landlady gave him another look and pointed to the door, “Don’t close it! I’ll be over in a moment!”
Bian Shengjian didn’t say a word, and stood on the spot looking at her back.
“Come, haven’t you been hungry for a long time? Try the noodles brought back from my hometown in the Northeast and the hand rolled noodles made by myself…It smells good.” The landlady murmured, and put a pair of chopsticks in front of Bian Shengjian. “Eat.”
“I’m not hungry.” Bian Shengjian said, but his eyes were unconsciously fixed on the noodle bowl with a hole in it.
“Still saying you’re not hungry? I see that you are starving to the point where your eyes are almost stretched out!” The landlady forcefully stuffed the chopsticks into his hands, sighed and said, “You youngsters, why are you half-dead here and then by just falling in love? Thinking of the period…..”
Bian Shengjian paused, grasped the chopsticks with some difficulty, and began to eat slowly, his eyes were blurred by the rising heat.
The noodles were very fragrant.
“Is it delicious?” The landlady looked at him with her arms folded.
Bian Shengjian swallowed a mouthful of noodles with some difficulty, and said, “Very fragrant.”
“If it’s not enough, there’s more! Eat slowly.” The landlady stretched out her hand and patted his head, “Look at you kid, when you came here a few days ago, I didn’t think you were this thin…Eat more!”
Bian Shengjian ate the noodles with his head down. Although he didn’t say a word, his hands suddenly trembled after picking up a few noodles with the chopsticks. After taking a few deep breaths, he put down the chopsticks and quickly covered his face with his hands.
“What’s wrong?” The landlady was taken aback. Just as she was about to take a closer look, she saw Bian Shengjian put down his hands again, picked up the noodles with a calm face and continued to eat, “I’m fine.”
Bian Shengjian finally put down his chopsticks when the bowl of noodles and the soup were all cleaned up. In fact, the bowl of noodles served by the landlady was quite large. The container was called bowl in the north, but it was probably called basin in the south. It was enough for three or four, compared to the relatively small appetite of southerners, it was larger.
Bian Shengjian felt that his hands and feet had finally warmed up a little. After wiping the corners of his mouth with a tissue, he looked up at the landlady. “Is there a cemetery near here?”
“A cemetery?” The landlady, who was packing the dishes, was taken aback by his question, “Why are you looking for a cemetery?”
“To find someone.” Bian Shengjian said calmly.
“…I see,” the landlady paused for a moment, and scratched her skin before she said in embarrassment, “there is no cemetery around here…..but there seems to have been a wild cemetery before….”
“Wild cemetery?” Bian Shengjian quickly captured the important information, “Where is it?”
“Hey, it happened many years ago.” The landlady furrowed her brows lightly, “The government allocated a piece of land on our side to bury the ashes of some anonymous bone ashes…..But it was no more when I came back. Some people thought it was bad luck and shoveled it there. I don’t know if it’s still there… “
Bian Shengjian jumped up suddenly, but his eyesight turned black because of too much force all at once. He propped his hand on the table before standing straight. “Where is it!”
“In…” The landlady was still thinking, and she barely gave a vague answer, “It seems like you have to go straight along the exit road and then turn left…It’s been too long, I can’t remember for a long time. What are you going to do there?”
“Thank you very much.” Bian Shengjian took a deep bow and ran out the door, hanging the longevity lock that had been tightly held in his hand around his neck:
If I really can’t find it, then I will live on your behalf.
If it were you, come to me again in your next life, bastard.
Contrary to Bian Sheng’s brief information, it didn’t take him much effort to find the “wild cemetery” that the landlady mentioned. On the contrary, he found a small cemetery that had been repaired and then rebuilt. But this cemetery was really small, there was not even a sign at the entrance, only a guard in the security room that was drowsy and holding a steaming thermos.
Bian Shengjian was about to step forward, but heard a childish voice from the side of the road, “Brother, do you want to buy flowers?”
He paused for a moment before turning around, and found that a little girl who was about in junior high school was squatting on the side of the road selling flowers alone with a flower basket. The little girl had a delicate appearance and had pretty eyes, but many of the flowers in the flower basket seemed to be not very fresh, probably because they couldn’t be sold for a long time and. Some of the flowers that have not yet bloomed were already wilting. “Big brother, how about some flowers?”
“I…” Bian Shengjian remembered that he didn’t bring his mobile phone with him when he went out, thus he reached out and touched the girl lightly, “I’m sorry, this big brother is in a hurry to go out today, and forgot to bring money.”
“Is big brother going to see people?” The girl raised her head and smiled at him with an innocent and heretical smile. “Then I’ll give you one.”
“No need,” Bian Shengjian hurriedly took a step back, but the little girl picked out a fresh-looking lily from the flower basket and stuffed it into his hand, pointing to the cemetery, “You’re welcome!”
“No need, really no need.” Bian Shengjian was in a hurry to put the flower back into her flower basket, but the girl raised her hand to block him. “I wish you happiness, big brother.”
Bian Shengjian froze for a moment, looked at her smiling face and didn’t speak.
“I’m leaving.” The girl picked up the flower basket and said goodbye to him briskly. “I’ll sell these somewhere else… Goodbye, big brother!”
Bian Shengjian opened his mouth, and after a while, he had no choice but to hold the flower and walked to the entrance. It took a long time before he knocked on the door of the security room. “Uncle, …cemetery.”
“…Ah?” The uncle at the security room was a little deaf, and asked in a low voice, “What did you say?”
“I said, what kind of people are there in this cemetery?” Bian Shengjian.
“What did you say?” Grandpa stared at him.
Bian Shengjian took a deep breath and was about to raise the volume, when he saw the old man standing up suddenly, opening the door and coming out, glaring at him fiercely and saying, “What did you say? I couldn’t hear clearly just now!”
“I said…forget it.” Bian Shengjian sighed, and was about to walk into the cemetery, but the uncle stopped him with his hand, “What are you going to do inside? “
“I’m looking for someone.”
“Who are you looking for?” Uncle security guard heard, but his old skin trembled and his face was drooping, “You are definitely not looking for someone here! Go, go!”
“Why not?” Bian Shengjian looked at him.
“Everyone here is dead and no one recognizes them!” The uncle stared at him, “Otherwise, how could they be buried here…..Go, go!”
Bian Shengjian felt his heart skip a beat. Even though he knew that the chance of getting an accurate reply was very small, he couldn’t help but blurted out. “Uncle, do you know about the accident where a car fell into the river thirteen years ago? Did anyone who died at that time be buried here?”
Uncle security guard didn’t speak, but the thick white eyebrows that hung on his face were raised, and his tone was still fierce, “What did you do before arriving at this decision! You bastard is just playing!”
Bian Shengjian looked at him, and for a moment his legs became so weak that he almost knelt down, the pinched stem of the lily he was holding in his hand was cut off, and the sticky juice dripped into his palm–
“This family is really miserable!” The uncle said, “The family of three disappeared together… I heard that the elderly in the family also had an accident, and later on, even the relatives refused to come and identify the body…..it’s really not valuing family relations, not valuing family relations ah! It’s terrible…”
Bian Shengjian listened quietly to uncle security guard’s mouthful of the word “fate”, and it took him a long time to raise an arm slightly, “I want to stay alone for a while, is that okay?”
The security guard glared at him, and after a long time without speaking, he turned and walked away slowly, muttering the words “white-eyed wolf” and “heartless” in his mouth.
Bian Shengjian wiped his eyes with his hand.
Lu Shen’s photo on the tombstone was already blurred, but it didn’t disappear. It really existed before his eyes.
Bian Shengjian wiped his eyes again, and it took a long time before he put the damaged lily in front of his grave.
Say something nice.
What should I say?
Bian Shengjian’s mind was in a mess, and he had no time to feel whether it should be sadness or ecstasy at this moment.
Or maybe both.
“Stupid, I’ve come to see you.” Bian Shengjian said softly, with a bitter taste in his throat.
He was also a little short of breath in his chest, and the longevity lock pressing on his chest seemed to be burning hot.
Bian Shengjian looked down at this weather-beaten tomb, and because of not being visited over the years, even the grave was covered with weeds, and for a moment, he became a little annoyed and wanted to laugh.
He finally understood why Lu Shen didn’t tell himself where his tomb was. He was probably never been to this place.
You are so broad-minded, Master Lu.
Bian Shengjian took a deep breath, but felt that he was getting more and more dizzy. He still had to squat down and support the ground with his hands to stabilize himself.
He didn’t know if it was his illusion, but he always felt that Lu Shen was smiling at him in the posthumous photo.
…Dead is dead, yet you are still laughing? It’s scary.
Bian Shengjian took a deep breath.
The inexplicable burning of the longevity lock on his chest made him feel a bit uncomfortable, so he simply took it off and placed it in front of Lu Shen’s tomb–it could be regarded as fallen leaves returning to their roots, to the owner.
(t/n: Falling leaves return to their roots, a Chinese idiom, pinyin is luò yè guī gēn, meaning falling dead leaves, falling on the roots of trees; metaphorical things have a certain destination; most of them refer to people living in other places who will eventually return to their hometown)
Bian Shengjian felt increasingly dizzy, and couldn’t help but sink uncontrollably, but he still insisted on looking up at the blurry black and white photo on the tombstone. It took a long time before he slowly reached out his hand and hooked it on the covered in dust edge. His tone was very light, carrying a hint of disdain. “How have you been living such a miserable life these years?”
In the photo, Lu Shen did not respond.
“Damn… It’s a good thing I had a good meal before searching…..I am almost exhausted…” Bian Shengjian spoke intermittently, but the inexplicable dizziness became more and more intense.
He felt that something was wrong, and was about to stand up with his knees propped up, but suddenly his eyes turned black and he fell down towards Lu Shen’s tombstone, closed his eyes in mid-air and fainted—
Really miss you.
****
When Bian Shengjian regained consciousness, he suddenly found herself standing on a street surrounded by heavy traffic.
Where is this?
Bian Shengjian looked at the surroundings in shock, and was about to pinch his hand to see if he was dreaming when he heard someone shouting angrily from behind. “I said it wasn’t my fault! Why are you blaming me for everything?”
Bian Shengjian froze in place, and when he slowly turned around, he pinched his arm severely.
It hurts, this is not a dream.
“Oh, I got it! You all are annoyed, isn’t it?” The voice was still shouting.
Bian Shengjian stood there in a daze.
Not far away, he saw a familiar back.
