4. Paradigm Shift (Part 1)
I hated Chae Soo so much that I almost cried. His car, him, who kept spewing nonsense and even made an illegal U-turn, finally stopped at a Korean beef restaurant. Chae Soo got out with a blank expression, as if he had never said anything inappropriate, and opened the passenger door for me.
It was clear that all the talk about a hotel had just been a joke. I was dumbfounded. Gritting my teeth, I stepped out of the car and glared at Chae Soo. He must have felt my gaze because he looked at me and smirked wickedly.
“Han Yeondoo, were you expecting something different?”
“Who’s expecting what?”
“You seem really disappointed.”
“You never planned to go to a hotel in the first place, did you? Why did you turn the car like that?”
“I took a wrong road.”
Oh, what a bad luck. The way he brushed it off, acting like he had only intended to take me for meat, was so condescending that I really wanted to punch him on his mouth.
“Is it fun for you to tease me like this?”
“No, it’s not fun.”
Chae Soo, who was tall and walking briskly ahead, was irritating even from behind. My fists were trembling. If I could just reach out and hit him, wouldn’t I be happy? Thinking that this wouldn’t be considered workplace bullying, I raised my hand—but as if he had read my lowly thoughts, Chae Soo suddenly turned around.
“It’s not fun.”
“… …”
“Your reaction is kind of cute.”
My feet stopped in their tracks. How ridiculous. Who’s calling whom cute right now? He’s answering my demand not to tease me like this again with more teasing. Since when did we start joking around like this? Somehow, his face looked even more playful than when we were in college.
“What are you doing? Aren’t you coming in?”
“I don’t know how to interpret your actions.”
“What is there to interpret?”
A car pulling into the parking lot flashed its headlights as if telling me to move. Chae Soo narrowed his eyes at the light, took his hands out of his pockets, and pulled me towards him.
“Eat first. I’ll translate later.”
His large hand, which had grabbed my arm, loosened and moved to my back. The way he patted me a couple of times as he led me inside was oddly affectionate. I really don’t know when he started taking care of me like this. Before I knew it, the inside of my cheek, which I had been chewing on hard, had turned cold.
We passed a wall full of wine bottles and entered the private room that Chae Soo had reserved. For some reason, he was being unusually considerate—taking my coat, putting it in a locker, and even pulling out a chair for me.
Funny. Did he really think such unsophisticated manners would fool me? I watched him place the order, my lips tightly sealed as if zipped shut. Not much was said. When the server recommended wine, Chae Soo looked at me, and I flinched slightly.
If I kept my mouth shut, it would make it seem like Chae Soo and I were on good terms, and the only thing left would be awkward silence. In the meantime, the sirloin was placed on the cast iron plate, sizzling pleasantly. My heart softened again. When the server carefully set the torn pieces of meat atop the potatoes, I couldn’t help but smile.
I was so full, but I was also hopeless. I got excited just from seeing meat. Then, the sirloin, the tenderloin, and even the ribeye disappeared in just a few strokes of my chopsticks. Before I knew it, all that remained in front of me were two glasses of water and dessert.
“Go ahead. Ask.”
“What?”
“Whatever questions you have. You must have something to say.”
There were a lot of things I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure if I should. My eyes wandered aimlessly before I grabbed the teacup with both hands and brought it to my lips. Under his watchful gaze, I couldn’t drink. I only moistened my lips and placed the cup back on the table.
“Is that… your treat?”
“You avoided ordering extra rice because you were worrying about that?”
“No, I’m saying this because I don’t want a repeat of the stir-fried octopus incident.”
“I bought it. Do you want more meat?”
I quickly shook my head. It seemed better to just go home and boil a cup of ramen. I should’ve had a glass of wine—that might have eased this suffocating atmosphere.
“As for the stir-fried octopus, if you weren’t going to buy that one, you should’ve at least gotten a bigger portion.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Do you even know that Joo Jae-hee kept on insisting on getting a treat from you to a big meal?”
“Are you really worrying for me senior?”
“So, Senior Han Yeondoo, start paying attention now. Stop carelessly setting up blind dates and such.”
Then at least give me a heads-up in advance. Why are you acting all belatedly concerned?
“Is that all you have to say?”
The way he sipped his soju was truly irritating. The small glass looked even flimsier in his large hand. Either way, it just didn’t suit him. Maybe he should’ve been drinking wine—that would’ve fit him better.
I must have unconsciously frowned a few times as I stared at him because Chae Soo raised an eyebrow as if to ask why. He nodded, waiting for an answer. Awkwardly biting my lip, I asked, keeping my face expressionless.
“Why me?”
“What?”
“I don’t understand why you’re dragging me into the ordinary life you want.”
“There’s no specific reason for it.”
“Even if it’s not me, I still don’t get what your purpose is.”
“Why does dating need a purpose?”
Even if there’s no specific purpose, shouldn’t there at least be a reason? A trigger? Some feelings should have developed between us. Or at the very least, a desire to have each other physically. No, wait. What do I mean by that? What the hell am I thinking?
No. Somehow, my heartbeat felt faster. I should’ve had a drink. Without an excuse to distract myself, I was getting flustered.
“We’ve known each other for over ten years. If we were going to date, we would’ve done it a long time ago.”
“I guess so.”
“It’s out of the blue, really. Senior… … .”
No, if Chae Soo wasn’t actually gay, wouldn’t that be strange? We’d been getting along just fine, saying we wouldn’t get involved with each other even after all this time, and now suddenly, this?
“But after ten years, it’s time for a paradigm shift.”
“What kind of nonsense is that?”
“Han Yeondoo, I keep worrying about you.”
Chae Soo furrowed his brows as if he had swallowed something bitter. I didn’t know why he was acting like he cared. The one who messed up my head was Chae Soo himself. Suddenly, I felt exhausted.
“Then don’t worry about me.”
“It’s already decided. I wish you were within my range.”
“I see you all day at the office, even when I don’t want to.”
Besides, trying to tie me down as a friend also when we’re neighbors… isn’t it an excessive obsession? As Chae Soo leisurely crossed his arms and straightened his posture, his tightly pulled shirt accentuated his firm chest. Ah, my heart really needs to get a grip. Now is not the time to be getting excited over Chae Soo’s chest.
“There’s a saying that you can miss someone even while looking at them.”
“Oh my god. That’s creepy.”
“Of course, it’s not that serious yet, so don’t worry.”
The question of how far has it progressed then? nearly slipped out of my mouth. Maybe I really am sick, because I was still imagining Chae Soo’s naked body at that moment.
“It’s true that I’m curious about Han Yeondoo. In every way.”
His slow, deliberate stare pressed down on me, and I realized exactly what he meant. My face flushed. Pretending not to notice, I traced the rim of my water glass with my thumb.
“Are you serious about wanting to date me?”
“I’m serious.”
“Just because I… fit in the criteria?”
“It’s hard to find the right balance. Not too much, not too little—just within the margin of error.”
Who does he think I am? No matter how many men approached me, I never outrightly rejected them—as long as they were good-looking. But even so, I had zero reason to date Chae Soo. My misplaced desire for his body and the idea of developing romantic feelings for him were entirely different matters.
“To be honest, I don’t like you. I’ve hated you for a long time. I don’t think you even realized that.”
“I know. I knew it.”
He had that arrogant look on his face, the kind that made it seem like he knew everything all along. For a moment, I thought he had misunderstood me and actually liked that I said I didn’t like him.
“No. I really hate you. Way more than you think.”
“Yeah. And I know about it.”
Oh my god. Why does he sound so nonchalant about that? No, this wasn’t just nonchalance—it was like he had just heard a particularly amusing joke. Seeing his relaxed expression made my insides boil.
Thinking he had said everything he wanted to, Chae Soo stood up, as if to retrieve his coat from the locker. The screech of the chair dragging across the floor felt oddly out of place in the restaurant’s refined atmosphere.
“Senior, do you really want to date someone who hates you this much?”
“Why would you want to sleep with someone you hate then?”
I tried to stand up to match his eye level, but his words sent me crashing back into my chair. What the hell did I just hear? That thud might not have been my butt hitting the seat—it might have been the complete breakdown of my values.
“Oh my god. When did I—huh? When did I ever say I wanted to sleep with you? Ugh… This is ridiculous. Really.”
I’m not a good liar. But that doesn’t mean I’m an honest person either. Even though I had seen, touched, and imagined Chae Soo’s naked body—even though I wanted to sleep with him—I wasn’t shameless enough to admit my feelings outright.
“Why are you so flustered? It’s very Suspicious.”
“That’s because you’re talking nonsense!”
“Oh? So when you’re flustered, your gaze goes there, right, Senior Han Yeondoo?”
Chae Soo adjusted the collar of his coat and glanced down at the front of his pants.
Are you crazy, Han Yeondoo?
I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut. No. I must be the crazy one. Even in this situation, I bit my lip, thrown off by how effortlessly he handled the conversation.
“When senior brought that up, I think I developed some kind of trauma… without realizing it.”
“Are you stupid?”
What trauma? Strictly speaking, it was more of a conditioned reflex. This was how the unconscious mind dominated people. Maybe I really was under the influence of some kind of spell—one that made me want him.
