Time for Patience (Part 3)
“I’m sorry. I just kept thinking about it without realizing…”
“… …”
“When you see something surprising, it gets engraved in your mind.”
“… …”
“I’m trying to hold back too. But my instinct keeps telling me…”
Chae Soo buried his face into the steering wheel and shook his head violently, as if trying to deny reality. Should I comfort him? I hesitated, my left hand reaching out to pat his shoulder, but under his piercing gaze, I awkwardly retracted it.
Oh, poor me. I’m the one who wants to shake off that memory. If only I knew how to fill my head with other thoughts, the shame wouldn’t be so unbearable.
After glaring at him with aggrieved eyes as he gestured for me to get out, I opened the passenger door. I wished I could at least slam it, but no car dared to come near his expensive one. I was quite displeased.
The sound of our footsteps echoed in the underground parking lot. As if my long legs were stretching out, I picked up my pace and caught up with him at the elevator.
“But if you look at it that way, I’m also a victim.”
“What? A victim?”
“Yes, a victim. I’ve met an unfair comparison like you which created an unrealistic expectation, so now I won’t feel anything when I meet other men. How am I supposed to date in the future?”
“Then don’t date.”
How could he say that so casually, as if it wasn’t my life? Chae Soo, who stepped into the elevator first, narrowed his eyes and bit his lip. He couldn’t already be developing claustrophobia, could he?
“Are you telling me to live a celibate life?”
“That would be good too.”
“What good would that do?”
“It will interfere with work.”
“I’ve never let my dating life interfere with my work, right, Manager?”
Ridiculous. I never really hid my relationships, but my love life was naturally exposed to Chae Soo because we went to the same school, worked at the same place, and even lived in the same apartment. But that didn’t mean I blurred the lines between personal and professional life.
“It bothers me when you date guys who aren’t even that manly.”
“What does that have to do with you?”
“Call me tomorrow morning.”
After pressing the button for the 9th floor, where I lived, he erased it and pressed the 10th floor instead. Then he gestured toward my front door, as if telling me to stop talking nonsense and go inside.
“Why did you suddenly change the subject? But why in the morning?”
“Let’s go to work together. Your car is at the office.”
“Oh.”
So that means I really have to go with him. However, I tend not to turn down any convenience offered to me. Since I didn’t have a reason to refuse, I nodded, and he shoved his hands into his pockets before turning toward the stairs.
“Senior.”
Calling him just then was impulsive. Now that I think about it, it’s been a while since I’ve called him “Senior.” Maybe it’s because of what happened yesterday. Somehow, at some point, the boundary between us blurred.
I looked up at him as he stood halfway down the stairs. Why did I call him? I didn’t even know what to say after getting his attention, so I just moved my lips soundlessly. What did I want to say? Apologizing or thanking him felt awkward. Like he said, I should’ve thought before speaking.
While I stood there, struggling to find the right words, the orange sensor lights cast a shadow over his face. No, maybe he really was smiling.
When I didn’t say anything, that Mona Lisa-like expression turned into unfamiliar words.
“Good night, Han Yeon-doo.”
For a moment, he felt like a stranger. I bit my lip and gave a small nod as the sound of his shoes faded into the distance.
Was it the scent of his lingering cologne that kept me standing there, even after the door to his apartment opened and closed?
Scrunching my nose, I finally punched in my passcode.
I should have just bought beer instead of coming up with him.
It was a night I didn’t think I’d fall asleep easily.
“Oh, really!”
The more I thought about it, the more something welled up inside me. It wasn’t anger, but rather a feeling of discomfort, like I hadn’t done something I needed to do. Was it something I had done? I felt suffocated.
I turned my head to the side and checked the clock. It was a little past midnight when I went to bed, but already two hours had passed. Ah, Chae Soo. Oh, really. These were all the hands of the clock that Chae Soo had set in motion. I rolled around here and there, constantly replaying what I had said, and before I knew it, I had done half a turn on the bed. The short strands of hair that had fallen off the bed barely touched the floor.
Is this because of Chae Soo? This is really a mess, Han Yeon-doo. If a ghost saw me lying upside down with blood rushing to my face, they’d be so startled they’d run away. Ha, I took a deep breath and blinked. The world seen upside down in the dark was no different. Time still flowed at the same speed, and all objects remained faithful to their roles, resisting gravity. So I too…
I should sleep. Yes, I should sleep first. I need to sleep so that I can meet Chae Soo tomorrow morning and say whatever I want. As I lifted my upper body, the blood that had rushed to my face seemed to flow through my whole body. I crawled back and laid my head on my pillow again. Nothing would change if I didn’t sleep. It was already late, but I had to sleep at least another hour and wake up with a clear mind to ask Chae Soo.
… Ask him? About what? Why did he say those things and keep me from sleeping? Haa, my sigh deepened. Chae Soo’s firm words kept ringing in my ears.
“Those guys don’t even seem like real men.”
My ex-boyfriends weren’t all that great, but it was unfair to say they weren’t manly. They still liked me as a woman, and they were in relationships with me as a woman. Of course, I don’t have the ridiculous idea that men should only like women, but Chae Soo, you’re the one talking nonsense. And here I am, pathetically hung up on a gay man like you.
I felt like I wouldn’t be able to sleep at this rate, so I fumbled around for my phone on the nightstand. I thought watching a drama might help, so I played an American series I had stopped watching yesterday. It was one I had seen several times because it was fun, but I couldn’t focus at all. And when I remembered that the main character was actually gay, my resentment towards Chae Soo flared up again.
I turned off the drama in frustration. If I watched it now, it would only make me feel worse. After scrolling through a few apps, I opened an SNS app that I had installed but rarely used.
Oh, she’s getting married. When did this senior’s eldest child grow up so much? Looks like she’s back in Korea.
As I scrolled quickly through glimpses of other people’s lives, my thumb stopped at a familiar male face.
Oh, Ryu Ji-hwan’s friend. My ex-boyfriend, the one I met through Ryu Ji-hwan’s introduction. We broke up after dating for about four months. When was that? I think it was around the fall of my third year. Now that I think about it, it was exactly ten years ago.
Because of my major, my job is connected to similar fields, so my network is shallow but wide, mostly consisting of people from the same department. The men I’ve dated have been the same—like running into the same thing after crossing a few bridges.
That means I can’t completely dismiss Chae Soo’s claim that the men I’ve met weren’t manly at all. For someone who acts like he doesn’t care, he actually knows a lot.
I left the feed behind, the photo of my old ex looking like he’d aged ten years staring back at me. Ryu Ji-hwan—this guy is addicted to SNS. How many pictures does he upload in a day? I scrolled past a few food photos before my hand stopped again—on a photo of Chae Soo that Ryu Ji-hwan had uploaded.
He looked like he’d been hiking somewhere. The way he frowned against the sunlight made him look cool. The sweat on his face looked weirdly sexy. The muscles slightly visible under his short sleeves were incredibly toned.
I have to give up this amazing, cool person… to men?
Ah, Chae Soo. I really hate this. I really, really hate this.
* * *
“Han Yeon-doo, why do you look like that?”
“I couldn’t sleep well.”
Chae Soo called me at 6 AM and woke me up. I was already irritated after barely getting three hours of sleep, but when he told me to come down to the parking lot by 7 AM, I just hung up and silently grabbed my toothbrush. When I got into the passenger seat of his car, barely keeping my eyes open, it was exactly 7 AM. In my rush, I hadn’t even dried my hair, and the dark circles under my eyes were terrible.
“Why would someone as easygoing as you have trouble sleeping?”
“… I kept thinking about something.”
“Get out.”
I was about to pull down the passenger seat sun visor when I glanced at him. He was the one who told me to get in first, and now he was kicking me out?
“If you’re going to start talking nonsense, get out.”
“No, not that. I’m just wondering… who’s the real pervert here, thinking about that kind of thing?”
“Just because I say it now doesn’t mean it wasn’t true.”
Some people really have a way of ruining a perfectly normal morning. I really hadn’t intended to start thinking about that again. I forced myself to focus elsewhere and hurriedly fastened my seatbelt, as if that would stop my thoughts from spiraling. The veins on the back of Chae Soo’s hand bulged slightly as he turned the steering wheel.
“Anyway, that’s not the point. You said that I’ve met guys who weren’t even manly.”
“So what?”
“No matter how much I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship that was that bad.”
Chae Soo’s gaze flickered to my left cheek before shifting back to the road. At the end of his gaze, there was a bottle of perfume. He didn’t make any noticeable movements, but every time he did, a subtle, pleasant scent tickled my nose.
“Why? You feel bad that I’m trashing your exes?”
“It’s not like I’m happy about it.”
To be honest, I didn’t care if they got trashed or not. What bothered me was that it felt like he wasn’t blaming them, but me—Han Yeon-doo—for choosing them.
“That’s why I’m telling you to meet some real men.”
Like, right now.
“What do you know, anyway?”
I bit my lower lip at his tone—the way he made it sound like I was the one at fault for picking them. Why did I feel like I was being scolded when they were the ones who messed up?
“Should I list them one by one? Did you know the last guy you dated had a daughter three months ago?”
“What? I thought he just got married!”
As it turns out, my last boyfriend—who had been my third boyfriend—broke up with me like that. It was called a breakup, but really, it was a transfer breakup that made me look like a fool.
“What about the guy before him? He blew all his money on crypto and even had his wages seized. Didn’t you know?”
“I knew.”
That breakup was nasty. I barely managed to get back the million won I had lent him.
“And the guy before him? He was a complete piece of trash—flying to the Philippines every two months to sleep with women. Want me to keep going?”
“… … Okay.”
The guy who acted like the world’s most loving person was also a regular at the massage parlor.
“Listening to what you said, I realized that I was just a trash can that only collected trash.”
“It was them who did the dirty work behind the scenes. I’m not saying it’s your fault, Han Yeon-doo.”
“I already heard that.”
As Chae Soo said, out of all the men I could have chosen, I only picked those guys to date. Maybe the problem was that I took dating too lightly. Was it my fault that I kept dating but remained indifferent to the feeling of love? But I really did like the last guy I dated. I even stopped dating for almost a year because of the shock.
“I apologize if I offended you.”
“No. It’s true that I don’t have an eye for men.”
So, even after knowing that Chae Soo is gay, why do I feel like this…?
“Senior, when you look at a man… can you tell right away if he’s a good person?”
“How would I know? You have to experience it to know.”
“Still, don’t you get some kind of feeling?”
“Don’t trust your feelings. You say you have instincts, but in the end, you’re just looking at the face.”
If I don’t look at a man’s face, then what am I supposed to look at? They’re all just average people anyway, so at least the face has to be good.
“Then what about me, senior? Didn’t you judge me based on my face?”
Chae Soo, who had been staring blankly at my face, turned his head as the traffic light changed. The morning sunlight shattered and scattered across his high nose.
“Why aren’t you answering? Are you saying you don’t want to see my face?”
“Look at me. Why don’t you look?”
“See? We need to be honest about our instincts.”
“If you were honest, I’d be very…”
“… … Very what?”
“… … Never mind.”
See? You are just like everyone else—you look at faces. Why are you pretending to be above others? If I hadn’t seen the guy who was with Chae Soo before, I wouldn’t know, but even a few years ago, I saw him with that model-like guy several times.
“But what’s your ideal type, senior? Can I ask that?”
“Why are you asking again when you’ve already asked?”
Come to think of it, I haven’t seen the guy who was supposedly Chae Soo’s lover in a long time. Did they break up? If that’s true, why is the ring that Chae Soo used to wear on his right hand still there?
“A tall, well-built man… Is that your type?”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Is he really smart too?”
“I don’t think so. No clue.”
But that guy was famous for getting a perfect score on the CSAT…
“Why? Han Yeon-doo, what are you going to do with my ideal type? Are you planning to introduce me to someone?”
“If I can…?”
“Even if I tell you, you won’t be able to find someone.”
Of course, the possibility of me finding a gay man who catches Chae Soo’s eye is close to zero, but it doesn’t feel good to be dismissed before even trying. It was just a casual question, but when Chae Soo glanced at my face and let out a dry laugh, I couldn’t help but pout.
“Look in the mirror.”
“Why the mirror?”
“You have eye boogers.”
… Ugh. What a bad luck. I pulled down the sun visor and checked the mirror. Ugh, it looks awful. Maybe because I didn’t sleep well, the bags under my eyes were dark and puffy. I blinked a few times and adjusted my hair, turning my head this way and that. Now that I look a little more human, I understand why Chae Soo was surprised to see me this morning.
“Han Yeon-doo, what are you doing on Saturday?”
“No plans… No, wait. I’m busy! Don’t order me around, Manager!”
“Okay. Leave some time for me.”
“Why, why? It’s my precious Saturday.”
“Think of it as a business trip.”
If it’s a business trip, just say it’s a business trip. Why make it sound vague? As we entered the company parking lot, I looked around for no reason, worried that my colleagues might see something suspicious.
“What is it? Senior, you’ve been acting strange lately. You’re getting scarier these days.”
“I’m more afraid of your corrupted mind.”
“Who corrupted me?”
“Don’t blame me. You were a pervert from the beginning.”
Since we arrived at work early, Chae Soo’s car was elegantly parked in the corner of the empty lot. As a novice driver, I couldn’t help but admire his parking skills. I craned my neck to look at my own car, which had been owned by the wrong person and spent more than half the week in this lot, then turned to the driver’s seat.
“Everyone has their own quirks.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t just answer without thinking. And why am I a pervert? I’m just following my instincts to seek out something… better.”
“Okay.”
“Humans, like other females, have the right to choose a superior mate.”
“Yeah. That’s great.”
“You may not realize it, but… our society has changed. Women can now express their desires just like men.”
“It’s a good society, yes.”
“So, if you call me a pervert for this, then aren’t all the women in this world perverts too?”
“… … Ha.”
It seemed that Chae Soo had grown tired of my nonsense, so he leaned back against the headrest and unbuckled his seatbelt. My eyes, following the movement of the belt retracting, met his.
“Senior, you need to be honest and stop acting shy.”
“… … .”
“You’re too old to be all coy about this.”
“… … .”
“You never know. Even though we’re in different fields, if you got to know me better, you might find out you’re a bigger pervert than me—”
In an instant, Chae Soo blocked my view with his body. His hand pressed against my right shoulder, and the scent of bergamot filled my lungs. I held my breath, worried that even my exhale would hit his face. His dark eyes layered over mine, scanning me as if measuring every inch of space between us.
“Uh… How did you know…?”
“What?… …What is it? And—why are you holding my hand?”
“That… I’m a bigger pervert than you.”
My mouth fell open at the sudden confession. I hadn’t expected such a quick admission. If the weight of his hand pressing over mine as I tried to unbuckle my seatbelt felt even more suggestive, then maybe I was already a step ahead in my thoughts.
“So, just be careful. If you don’t want to mess with a pervert.”
“Even if that’s true… Senior, if you suddenly act so instinctively—”
His grip on the back of my hand tightened. I slowly lifted my gaze, meeting eyes that were already too close to mine. It was a distance where our noses would brush if I moved just slightly. Was this a dream? Could a dream feel this… real?
“Han Yeon-doo. I told you to think before you speak.”
“… … About what?”
“What do you think will happen if I act on my instincts?”
My eyes darted to the side, but Chae Soo caught my chin, pulling my gaze back to his. Was it because it was morning, or because I was sleep-deprived? My stiff brain needed time to process what was happening.
“I don’t know, and I don’t want to know.”
“I think you do.”
“No, I—why are you like this? I’m Han Yeon-doo! A woman! Han Yeon-doo!”
“I know better than anyone that you’re a woman.”
“Then why—why is this happening? I think you are going crazy.”
A faint smile touched his lips.
“I’m not crazy. I’m just following my instincts, like you said.”
And before I could say another word, his breath met mine.
“So why are you showing that instinct to me, a woman… … .”
“Well, I tried to endure it, but it didn’t work very well.”
“What, what are you holding back?”
“What are you thinking about right now?”
“So why… … .”
“If you don’t like it, tell me now.”
“No, the problem isn’t that I don’t like it… … .”
What on earth is going on? The moment the thought stopped, unintelligible sounds escaped Chae Soo’s lips and reached my lips.
