Episode 2
After the funeral.
What greeted us when we entered the house was a cold breeze.
Was it the lingering chill of winter that hadn’t yet passed?
Or was it the emptiness left behind by the absence of two people?
I couldn’t tell.
It was just hard to go inside because all I could see were the empty spaces.
Si-ha, as if none of that mattered to him, sat down in front of the shoe cabinet and looked up at me.
Seeing him swinging his legs lightly, it seemed like he wanted something.
“Want me to take your shoes off?”
“Ah-ah!”
“Alright, alright. Our Si-ha needs to take his shoes off before coming in. So smart, aren’t you?”
“Ah-ah. Hyung.”
“Yeah.”
As I took off his shoes, Si-ha stood up and went about his business.
He dragged a box of tissues and sat down in the middle of the living room.
‘He always sits right there in the middle of the living room.’
Starting slowly, he began to pull out tissues.
Whoosh, whoosh!
The scattered tissues piled up behind Si-ha.
Maybe it was thanks to Si-ha showing me his usual routine that I was able to step into the house.
“I’m home.”
There was no one left to answer that greeting anymore.
But out of habit, I said it anyway.
“Hyung!”
Turns out I was wrong. Si-ha answered.
Grateful, I gently patted Si-ha’s head.
“Hyung.”
“Yeah?”
Si-ha pointed at the tissue box.
That’s when I realized what he meant.
It wasn’t that he was responding to my greeting — he wanted me to put the tissues back in the box.
He does this often, so I wasn’t surprised.
He loves pulling them out, but doesn’t like putting them back in.
“Alright. Hyung will put them back in for you.”
Naturally, I refilled the tissue box.
Si-ha seemed happy and went back to playing.
Of course, his face was still expressionless.
It was rare to see him smile.
The only time I saw him cry was at the funeral.
“How are Si-ha and I supposed to live now?”
Si-ha quickly turned his head and looked at me again.
“No, no. It’s okay, Si-ha. Go play.”
“Ah-ah.”
I patted Si-ha’s head and stood up.
Better move before the tissues run out again.
There was a lot to think about now.
We couldn’t stay sad forever.
I brought over some A4 paper and a pen and sat down next to Si-ha.
“When the tissues are all gone, you have to call Hyung, okay?”
“Ah-ah.”
I wasn’t sure if he understood or not.
For now, I began writing down our current situation on the A4 paper.
Life insurance payout: about 150 million won.
Value of this house: 400 million won.
Our parents’ debt: around 350 million won.
So, if we sell the house and pay off the debt, we’d be left with a little over 50 million won.
That makes it about 200 million won total.
The life insurance payout is listed under our names as the legal beneficiaries, so it’s considered personal property.
In other words, the insurance money isn’t subject to inheritance tax.
And there’s a flat deduction of 500 million won.
In simple terms, the actual amount we’d have left is around 200 million won.
It’s not enough to live in Seoul.
If I think about raising Si-ha, saving money to pass on to him, daily expenses, rent, utility bills—it’s not enough.
It’s not a relaxed situation.
I’d probably have to drop out of university and start looking for a job.
Sigh.
The harsh reality made me close my eyes for a moment.
‘Since it was an accident, car insurance probably won’t cover it either.’
It was an unfortunate accident caused by a rare circumstance.
We couldn’t find the culprit who dropped the leaf spring, so the insurance wouldn’t apply.
It was also difficult to hold the Korea Expressway Corporation accountable.
The leaf spring had fallen after the highway patrol had already passed.
I didn’t want to think about it any further.
Right now, I just wanted to focus on taking care of Si-ha.
‘Did they say it costs about 800 million won to raise a child?’
I heard it somewhere.
If I want to cover food and living expenses too, I need to make a decision quickly.
“Hyung!”
“Yeah, okay.”
I quickly refilled the tissue box and began thinking again.
In the long term, to save even a little money, we’d have to rent a jeonse house.
It should be on the first floor so Si-ha can run around.
It’s obvious he’ll become more active as he grows.
To avoid complaints about noise between floors later, I’d have to be mindful of many things.
Just because he’s quiet doesn’t mean he isn’t energetic.
Still, he tends to play quietly.
“We do have to move…”
I looked around.
There were too many traces of our parents left in this house.
I plan to get rid of everything we don’t need and buy new things.
Two people living together won’t need much furniture anyway.
‘I don’t know. Really.’
I pressed my fingers against the corners of my eyes.
I wanted to look away from this grim reality and think about it tomorrow.
But I couldn’t do that.
‘Our parents’ presence was this big.’
The safety net our parents provided had a huge influence on every part of our lives.
It’s only after losing it that I realize how vast it really was.
‘Was it always this wide?’
Being the head of the household.
Having to support this home and raise a child.
How did they bear this weight, thinking it was only the beginning?
Because they were adults?
Because they had work and marriage experience?
Just because life went on?
“Hyung.”
Flap, flap.
A tissue stuck to my face.
I saw Si-ha looking at me with bright, curious eyes.
If he looks at me like that, of course I can endure everything.
Yeah. I held on because of you, didn’t I?
I want to give you everything.
I want to do anything for you.
I didn’t want that face to ever be shadowed by sadness.
That’s why our parents lived through each day.
Maybe this is all I can understand for now.
“Si-ha.”
“Ah-ah!”
“Let’s take it one step at a time.”
Yeah. First, let’s move.
Let’s build things up one by one.
***
The next day.
I held Si-ha’s hand tightly and went out to buy several boxes.
We bought wheeled boxes for moving and came back home to start organizing.
I packed up the necessary clothes and books.
“Hyung!”
“Yeah, okay, okay.”
Si-ha pointed at the box and tapped it with his hand.
To others, he might look expressionless, but I know.
That’s his determined face.
It’s something I can tell by instinct.
“You want me to put you in here?”
“Ah-ah.”
“Alright. Here we go!”
I lifted Si-ha high up as if he could touch the ceiling.
With his arms stretched up, he looked so cute that I didn’t want to put him down.
Snap out of it.
I was busy organizing.
“Alright, going in now!!”
Just like an airplane ride, I moved him around a few times and gently placed him into the box.
His body fit snugly inside.
Si-ha began to explore the space around him.
He had entered a white space, even more sterile than a hospital.
From his seat, Si-ha stood up and peeked his head out.
“I can’t get anything done.”
I have to take a picture of this.
My inner photographer couldn’t resist, so I pulled out my phone.
Click, click.
I couldn’t stop pressing the shutter.
You don’t get these shutter chances easily.
If the opportunity comes, you must take it.
Click, click.
“Hyung!”
“Okay.”
Since ‘Hyung’ is all he can say, every form of communication is through it.
‘Ah-ah’ is a mysterious sound that means both yes and no.
This type of communication only works if you pay close attention to non-verbal cues.
Would even Mehrabian nod in approval if he saw this scene?
“Hyung!”
Si-ha pointed forward with his tiny wiggling fingers.
And I understood exactly what he meant.
“I need to keep organizing though…”
I began to move the box forward.
“Vroom! The Benz is departing now. Where shall we go!”
Whoosh!
I pushed the box in the direction Si-ha pointed.
I was lucky to have bought one with wheels.
Another moment to praise my foresight.
Whoosh!
Now he’s asking for a drift.
Right now, Si-ha is channeling his inner racer.
Otherwise, no baby would give off that kind of vibe.
“Alright, here we go!!”
“Ah-ah!”
I pushed the box around for a good while.
Once the drive ended to his satisfaction, he began to ask for something else.
I gave Si-ha a toy he could play with inside the box and laid myself down.
‘Why am I so tired when I haven’t cleaned anything yet?’
Looking around, there was a mountain of things to do.
If I could postpone it, I wanted to.
But unless Si-ha had some other request, I had to get moving.
I had to work in advance to be ready for another request.
‘Can I handle all this by myself?’
I glanced at Si-ha and started tidying up.
‘Huh?’
While cleaning, I saw my father’s laptop.
I brushed my hand over it once.
Even though it hadn’t been used for a few days, there was dust on it.
‘Should I throw this away too?’
I unplugged the cord to burn it later and was about to put the laptop into a disposal bag.
At that moment, Si-ha suddenly called out to me.
“Hyung-ah! Hyung-ah!”
“Yes, what is it?”
Si-ha raised his hands up, insisting on being taken out.
Was playtime over already? Couldn’t he play a bit more?
That thought crossed my mind, but I took him out as he wished.
As soon as his feet touched the floor, Si-ha ran over and stuck himself to the laptop.
He was practically lying on top of it.
“Ah ah!”
“Si-ha, no. No. We’re going to throw that away.”
Si-ha shook his head, being stubborn.
“I told you we’re throwing that away.”
“Ah ah.”
“Why are you being so stubborn?”
“Ah ah.”
For now, I had to take a step back and throw it away later.
“Ah, Dad.”
“What?!”
I turned my head and looked at Si-ha again.
“Si-ha, what did you just say?”
“Ah, Appa!”
“Did you say Dad? Did you really say Dad?”
Si-ha pointed at the laptop.
“Appa.”
I was at a loss for words.
Does he know that belongs to Dad?
Is that why he’s stopping me from throwing it away?
‘Dad would have loved to hear that.’
But the laptop heard it instead.
‘I thought it would never happen in my life.’
I thought I’d never hear the word “Dad” like that.
Maybe it’s thanks to this laptop?
I looked at the laptop Si-ha was lying on.
It was a moment of hesitation.
Honestly, my heart wanted to throw everything away because I kept thinking of my parents.
‘But Si-ha seems to like it so much, I can’t throw it away.’
I decided to give up on throwing the laptop away.
“Alright. I won’t throw it away.”
“Ah ah!”
“Yes, yes.”
I started organizing other things.
My mind felt really cluttered.
“Hyung-ah.”
“Yeah?”
Si-ha was putting the clothes I had organized into a box.
“Hyung-ah.”
“Yeah? Are you helping Hyung?”
Nod nod.
“Wow. Our Si-ha is really sweet.”
I patted Si-ha’s head.
Even though the neatly folded clothes got all messed up again and my work doubled.
Still, that desire to help couldn’t go without praise.
Isn’t that precious?
“Um… Should we put in Si-ha’s toys too?”
Nod nod.
Si-ha tried to lift the laptop with effort.
Hmm. That’s not a toy though?
“Hyung will help you.”
I held the laptop together with Si-ha’s hands.
“Here we go!”
“Hyung-ah.”
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s put it in like this.”
Thinking of Si-ha’s height, I awkwardly stood up and placed it into the box.
Now it must really be finished, right?
“Then, shall we put in Si-ha’s toys now?”
Not the clothes. Gotta protect the clothes.
“Hyung-ah. Mom.”
“What?!”
Thinking I misheard, I looked at Si-ha.
Mom?
Where is she?
“Mom.”
“Do you miss Mom?”
Si-ha pointed his finger somewhere.
To empty space where there was nothing.
“Mom is there?”
“Ah ah. Mom.”
Si-ha toddled over and pointed at something while calling out to Mom.
“This is…”
A Wacom display tablet my stepmother used to use.
“Hyung-ah.”
Si-ha pointed at the box again.
He must want to put the tablet on that desk into the box too.
Both items were ones our parents used often and cherished.
While I only thought about throwing them away, it seemed Si-ha wanted to keep them.
We’re brothers, but our thoughts are so different.
I decided to respect Si-ha’s opinion.
“Alright. We’ll do what you want, Si-ha.”
“Ah ah!”
I placed the tablet into the box.
***
Whirrrrr.
The laptop in the box started spinning its fan on its own.
A sign that it had powered on appeared.
On the closed screen, a message saying it was updating appeared.
The display tablet next to it also powered on and started updating.
The common thing between the two was that both showed no signs of being connected to Wi-Fi.
The two devices continued updating for a while, then shut down on their own.
That day.
Unaware that such a thing had happened.
Shi-hyuk and Si-ha lay beside each other, sleeping in the same pose.
