“Episode 33”
Ray realized that the reason she had been able to find Clodan all along was because he wanted her to. If he didn’t want to be found, Ray wouldn’t have been able to discover a single strand of his hair.
It was like back then. When Ray first started living in the mansion and had to tread carefully. It was a time when she had never exchanged a word with Clodan, and the only chatter came from Haisch. What had changed was that Haisch was no longer there, and unlike before, Ray desperately searched for him.
“Clodan.”
It was dinner time, earlier than usual. Finally, Ray came face to face with Clodan, who had been silent all afternoon. Dressed in fresh clothes, he silently took his seat at the table. Opposite him was Ray’s usual seat, but today the chair had been moved. Even Mrs. Mary, who brought the food, seemed to tremble in the tense silence.
Ray’s gaze lingered on Clodan, who was focused on his meal. With perfect posture, he skillfully wielded his knife, and the food he sliced smoothly entered his mouth. He was always the one to taste first, pouring onto Ray’s plate. It was an obvious reproach, a jab.
“I don’t know why you’re angry.”
Ray said with pursed lips. In truth, she understood. Even though it was a well-intentioned gesture, Clodan must have been disappointed that she didn’t wear the carefully chosen gift. Ray would have reacted the same way. But she cowardly pushed forward, pretending not to know.
“It’s a shame to see. It’s wasteful to wear shoes anywhere and let the soles wear out. The same goes for clothes. It’s awkward to wear clothes meant for garden parties while roaming around. I understand why Clodan is disappointed. But… it feels a bit too much.”
Clodan’s reprimand about not touching without permission echoed in her mind. Nothing else was clear, only the wounds inflicted by that. She didn’t dare to touch the other subjects.
“Flowers.”
It was a response after a few minutes. Clodan’s face, swirling the white wine, was unusually devoid of color.
“Flowers?”
Ray had misunderstood. Flowers weren’t a topic that could turn Clodan’s buttons like clothes or shoes.
“Because I’m feeling down. They were given to me by the gardener. The flower language says it means happiness…”
“It’s amazing that such a trivial reason could lead to a tantrum.”
“Is that really why you got mad?”
“Yeah. That’s why. Is it not okay then?”
“He just gave me a flower to raise. He’s just a kind person who cares about my feelings.”
The gardener, informed by the owner, was lying on the ground in a state of confusion. Philip had hidden him in the stable, but he couldn’t resist the owner’s reach and rebellion indefinitely. In a few days, the gardener would have to leave the mansion.
Before they knew it, both of them had pushed their meals aside. Ray held a fork, and Clodan held a knife, their arms crossing each other like they were facing off in a duel.
“So.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Because he’s so kind. And then.”
“And then what? Is that all?”
“I’m sorry for not being affectionate. Did you hear me say we should break up?”
“I never said let’s break up. Why are you like this, Clodan?”
“Yeah. I said let’s end it with our lover.”
“You know why I said those words!”
It was a tea that patiently waited, even as her heart weakened. Clodan never pushed for the truth himself. Whether it was a choice not to live like a naive fool or not, Clodan said she discarded him easily.
“I really can’t stand being with Clodan anymore. I’ll leave first.”
Mrs. Mary brought crispy turkey wings. She stood there, trying to assess the tense atmosphere that had become hostile. Ray, feeling apologetic, sought forgiveness with her eyes. But staring any longer might provoke a harsh response. She didn’t want to descend to that level and further fragment her wounds.
“Mary.”
Her ankles were caught by the low voice that echoed through the dining room.
“Tell Philip. He knows he’s been hiding that stuttering brat in the stable. Handle it yourself.”
“Clodan!”
“Why? Should I hide the next one in your room?”
Mrs. Mary, who couldn’t stand it anymore, intervened. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure he understands firmly.”
Grabbing Ray’s arm to stop her from arguing, Mrs. Mary pulled her away. Her grip was unusually strong. Ray shot Clodan a look of injustice and left the table with Mrs. Mary.
Throughout the walk, her boiling insides couldn’t calm down. She wanted to kick and break something.
“Miss.”
She hated it. She couldn’t help feeling foolish for not telling Clodan the meaning of the hydrangea’s flower language in the past. She had been so bad, even worse than she thought. Since returning from the sea, the clues she could have unraveled were tangled up. No, it had gotten worse. It was all Clodan’s fault. She didn’t even want to wait anymore. Full of hateful thoughts, Ray let out a heavy sigh.
“Miss!”
Mrs. Mary, who had brought Ray to a secluded corner of the corridor, brushed away the agitated Ray’s back. “Calm down.”
“I don’t understand why he’s like this. I tried to let it go when I was upset first. But he keeps picking on trivial things. It makes me angry. Really, why is he…”
“It’s not trivial.”
With an exasperated expression, Mrs. Mary pointed outside the window.
“You’re jealous right now! About that trivial thing.”
Wiping away a tear shed out of frustration, Ray asked like a child learning a new word, “Jealousy?”
“Ordinary lovers might just laugh it off.”
Mrs. Mary, as if consoling her with pity, turned her body in the direction of the stable where the gardener might be hiding.
“Ladies’ jealousy can be terrifying, but when push comes to shove, it’s always the attached male who pays the price.”
“But he didn’t do anything. Clodan seems to have… done too much.”
“It’s because he didn’t do anything. And honestly, I’ve been anxious for a while. Why did I have to go around with the gardener and Miss? Do you understand now?”
Even her grandson Philip was keeping his distance from Ray. If she stopped, the young gardener wouldn’t hesitate to linger around. Maybe he was losing his senses from constantly touching grass. Despite giving him hints, he didn’t understand, eventually he would bring up this matter. It seemed like there was no longer any charm in opening the windows. Until they found someone as skilled as the gardener to care for the land, it would remain neglected. It used to be a place that breathed life into the mansion, but now it only left regrets.
“The gardener did nothing wrong.”
“Is there anyone in this mansion who doesn’t know that?”
“The fault lies with Clodan.”
“Miss.”
“Isn’t it?”
What’s this now? Mrs. Mary suddenly looked at Ray’s burning eyes in confusion.
“If you’re really jealous, you could just talk to me. Clodan, no matter what happens, he… He torments and upsets me without telling me what’s going on. I told him I love him and I’m still waiting. I asked him not to touch me, but he does it anyway. Is that right?”
“Miss.”
“Now he’s even causing trouble for that poor gardener…”
Before she could finish her sentence, Ray slipped down as if sliding and sank to the ground. She buried her face in her knees and whimpered.
“I… I’m tired.”
Mrs. Mary could only squeeze and release her fingers, unable to offer any comfort.
“I thought loving someone would make every day happy and filled with laughter… But there are hardly any days like that. Loving Clodan is…”
Too difficult.
For the first time, Ray shed tears.
***
The situation above was one thing, but the situation below was akin to hell. Philip felt bitter, but he chose to send away the gardener. He personally packed up the gardener’s belongings stored in the outbuilding and prepared a hat that effectively concealed his face. The gardener had a fit and hid behind Mrs. Mary, and she too shared the gardener’s sentiments.
“Leave.”
“No, I won’t.”
Philip, resorting to force, prepared to take the gardener away, and Mrs. Mary was the same. As they faced off, baring their sharp teeth like fangs, Philip couldn’t understand and asked:
“Do you want to be kicked out together?”
“If we send this person away, you and the master will never recover.”
“That’s not for us to decide.”
Mrs. Mary pushed away Philip’s approaching hand and shouted.
“Why not? If this gardener leaves, next it’s you, Philip. Then it’ll be the stableman. And then it’ll be me. Who do you think will be left in this mansion in ten years? Miss? That gentleman?”
“That’s an outrageous statement. How could we…”
“You can afford to be outrageous! If you don’t want to see the mistress holding your corpse in her arms in ten years!”
Philip was also unwilling. If he didn’t understand the gardener’s fear of the outside, it would be a sickness. But he had to obey the master’s orders. That was the first and unchanging rule.
“There must be a way. Hide the mistress’s eyes from this mansion. Who will bear that anger if it’s exposed later? You? Me? Do you think I’m doing this because I like it? The conflict between the mistress and the master is something they must resolve. Enough with the noise…”
“The mistress confessed her love.”
Philip’s outstretched hand was bitten. Mrs. Mary, who had been enthusiastic, backed away slightly from the gardener hiding behind her.
“For other lovers, it might just be seasoning, but for these two inexperienced lovers, it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire. And if what the mistress said is true, then it’s dangerous.”
“Dangerous? What do you mean?”
Philip was also a bachelor. The gardener, the stableman, and Mrs. Mary were the only ones who had experienced having children and living with a husband. So she knew better about childish love affairs.
“That’s how everything goes. Expectations turn into betrayal, hope falls into despair, and love turns into hatred.”
“…”
“When people go crazy.”
If it were a case as pure as Ray’s, it was even more so. When pure affection turned into hatred, there was no one in this mansion who could bear it. The master was no exception.
“Listen to me for now. No matter how incompetent we are, we can buy a few days, can’t we?”
In Philip’s conflicted eyes, the gardener appeared pitifully trembling. Despite his shortcomings, he wasn’t inherently malicious. Philip knew better than anyone that the gardener hadn’t set out to harm Ray.
“Well… maybe three days.”
It was a gamble. As expected, when Mrs. Mary spoke persuasively, Philip was swayed. Holding the torch, he glanced towards the window where the master might be. Were they all watching? Perhaps the master was also eavesdropping on their conversation and reconsidering. There was an irrational hope, but Philip couldn’t shake it off.
The night passed uneventfully, yet no one passed it without turmoil.
