Beast Castle

“Episode 28”

The gentle breeze carrying the scent of flowers tickled her eyes. The adjacent bed, which had been empty all night, showed no indentations on the pillow. Clodan’s nightly escapades, rowing the boat and touching lips, all seemed like futile fantasies born of empty desires. Even lying down now, his throat felt swollen with sorrow, drowning in the sadness that lurked beneath his feet.

Resting her head on Clodan’s arm pillow beneath her neck, Ray felt a sense of comfort, like a hibernating bear preparing for winter. Even though she felt uncomfortable, she should have found a way to break through the stale misunderstanding. She should have rescinded her decision to abandon her lover, even if it meant conceding a hundred times. Especially the words she uttered towards Ray. It was a chance to make amends. With determination, Ray removed the covering blanket.

Ray had her first meal in days. Confronted face to face with Mrs. Merry, who brought the food, Ray picked up her spoon without any traces of her hunger strike. For a while, Mrs. Merry persistently engaged in conversation. Ray, who couldn’t ignore it, awkwardly offered an apology.

“I’m sorry. You’re the only one who cares so much about me.”

Mrs. Merry waved her hand dismissively.

“Don’t worry about it. Looking back, I was cowardly too.”

As the sound of the spoon scraping against the bowl echoed, Mrs. Merry sat down next to Ray, leaning closer.

“Did you talk?”

“What?”

“Your master visited you last night.”

It wasn’t just a futile dream. Clodan, who examined her forehead with a worried look, was real. Ray’s appetite suddenly returned. Setting down the spoon that she had been nibbling on, she reached for the well-baked bread. As she nervously took small bites of the bread, Mrs. Merry smiled as if proud.

“Just talking can ease your mind. Right?”

Mrs. Merry seemed to misunderstand. Feeling uncomfortable, Ray nodded awkwardly. Not only had they not had a conversation, but even memories of facing each other on bright days were faint. The window was stained with rain clouds and sorrowfully parted drizzle. It was the weather Clodan liked.

“Talking might be better after all, right?”

“Um… So, are we still… talking?”

“I’m just a coward.”

Ray casually straightened the empty seat next to her. Mrs. Merry, with a confused expression, feigned ignorance. Ray, looking out at the gray sky on this morning, longed to see Clodan smiling quietly, swinging his feet.

“Miss.”

“Yes.”

“I can’t tell you.”

Mrs. Merry’s expression was that of an innocent bystander rather than a faithful servant, unable to resist the threat. In the end, she gave Clodan a hint to seek the answer. Ray, who had covered her eyes with affection, felt like she already knew the mansion’s secrets.

“Okay.”

Perhaps Clodan was not as affectionate as she imagined. Although some of his less affectionate aspects were revealed as they grew apart, it wasn’t shocking or unpleasant.

Perhaps that’s how it was meant to be. Perhaps he felt it from the beginning, deep inside.

Ray lay on the long sofa under the lobby window, gazing up at the sky, which was wasting rain. The flowers planted in the garden greedily absorbed it. Although the sun rarely shone, the flower she had seen so far was larger and more fragrant than any other. Upon closer inspection, even that flower seemed unusual. The identity of the mansion became more and more mysterious the more she tried to unravel it.

People were cunning. She used to like calm afternoons, but today, being alone felt tedious. With someone else, even the lonely rain felt like a blessing, and alone, even the gentle sunlight felt oppressive. That’s why she didn’t want to realize it. She had never looked at anyone, but she had already cried and laughed by Clodan’s influence.

Even now, wasn’t he waiting for her in the spacious lobby with its winding staircase? The six cats she saw by the roadside as a child came to mind. Her great-uncle said not to touch them unless they were tamed, or they’d get burnt. Her great-uncle was wise. Clearly, young Ray had no power to defy her parents’ opposition, nor was she old enough to be responsible for taking care of six cats.

But Ray had already been tamed without consent. Her legs moved on their own accord up the stairs. Despite her shyness, she reached the second floor instead of the third, where he resided.

A frequented place, the wallpaper where she leaned against him and intertwined her lips, and even the location of their heated love-making were all remembered. Even a short walk overflowed with memories that drowned her spirit. It was strange. He was someone she had met in her short life, but she could be imprisoned in such dark emotions.

The place her footsteps led her was the study, where the ravages of time met the mansion. There were books left untouched for centuries, as well as ones whose pages were worn by fingerprints. Clodan mostly recommended the latter.

Thanks to that, Ray could learn about parts he underlined or passages that deeply moved him. Reading them under the covers every night, she felt like she was stealing Clodan’s secret thoughts while loneliness dissipated.

In the end, she came here because of loneliness. She wanted to read Clodan’s traces hidden between the pages of tightly packed books. After coming a few times, she could tell with just a glance. Clodan’s cherished books were on the top shelf, covered in worn-out jackets.

As Ray wandered between the bookshelves, she found a title she had never seen before on the eighth shelf. She reached out, but it barely grazed the bottom. She needed something to step on.

“Is this it?”

At that moment, with a gasp of breath, a familiar scent mixed in. His hand suddenly appeared, precisely pulling out the book Ray had chosen and bringing it before her eyes. Ray, feeling uncomfortable in her chest, barely managed to read the title. “Orbit of Butterflies.”

“Wrong?”

As if ready to pull out another book at any moment, he had his hand poised on the shelf. Although his face looked tired, it was still the same calm demeanor as before. Taking the book handed to her, Ray lowered her head.

“No, this is it.”

Taking advantage of the silence in the conversation, the sound of raindrops bouncing off as if wanting to enter interrupted. She couldn’t meet Clodan’s gaze directly. Even though his face seemed desperate, she couldn’t be sure if it was the same person who held her tightly and slept that night. Why did she feel so embarrassed and awkward?

Ray disliked this moment of just twiddling her fingers more than anything. She needed to speak up, but he had always been the one to take care of that. She was unsure what topic would be natural in this situation.

“Uh, Clodan.”

Perhaps she wanted to know what conclusion they had reached. Whether their relationship was just annoying. Whether there wasn’t a single thing she wanted to say to him. Whether they could continue to stay together. Ray compressed and compressed her surging sincerity, listing the most generic and ordinary words.

“The weather is nice today.”

As soon as she finished speaking, Clodan turned his head to look out the window. Seeing the pouring rain outside, he slightly furrowed his brows.

“It’s not the weather you like.”

Ray felt tears welling up. She covered her eyes with the book she had hastily picked up, her voice choked with tears.

“It’s getting better.”

Clodan’s hand reached out to take the book that covered her face. Not wanting to let it go, Ray exerted force in her hand. Reluctantly, Clodan slowly released his grip on the book Ray didn’t want him to take.

“Ray.”

“Why did you just leave like that?”

That thought came to her before anything else. Getting up from the abandoned bed alone, staring blankly at the empty space, it all seemed pathetic. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she used her sorrow as a weapon. She was afraid of knowing anything about Clodan’s feelings, his past, his identity. He wouldn’t tell her. She had to grope around blindly with her dark eyes. That was Ray’s reality.

“Do you know I’ve been waking up alone every morning lately?”

Clodan took a deep breath as if to ascertain the truth. He gripped the book tightly, his eyes gleaming with a look of disgust. A sigh escaped his lips. Rather than boring, he seemed frustrated.

“Is it normal for everything to be like this after breaking up?”

“Who broke up?”

His voice was low and cold. He seemed to have had enough as he forcefully took the book. It was effortless. Ray, pale, looked up at him with teary eyes. It wasn’t the weary eyes but the eyes full of passion that met hers, not the sighing lips but the twisted ones. It looked less boring than desperate.

“Do you want to break up?”

Unlike just a moment ago when he was speaking hastily, Clodan breathed in and held his breath as if trying to gauge her reaction. Grabbing the book, Ray jumped into his arms boldly and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Clodan froze in the posture of approaching, unable to hug or push her away. Ray shook off her worries like dandelion fluff and smiled.

From Clodan’s chest, a strong vibration resonated. Thump thump thump. The rhythm trembling blindly was so beautiful that she wanted to hear it for the rest of her life.

“I don’t know. Why does Clodan act like this sometimes? Why can’t he tell me anything? Even if… it’s not normal. I’ve thought about it. But still, I don’t think I can stop loving Clodan.”

Ray cautiously lifted her face, which had been separated, to look at him. His appearance seemed to be malfunctioning due to shock. It was the first time. She lightly brushed her index finger against his cheek, which had some cute aspect.

“I have no one else to rely on, and the only person I’ve been with like this is Clodan.”

“….”

“But what can I do? I like Clodan.”

She lightly kissed his lips, which had opened slightly. They felt as smooth as cream. After all, she blurted out what she wanted to say in the end. She didn’t know the price. Only the accumulated regrets and lingering affections flew away lightly.

“So please, tell me. When you want to tell me something, come find me and talk to me.”

Ray pulled the book back that he had taken away. She intended to read it.

“I’ll wait.”

She wanted to take pride in ending it without crying like a clown. Holding the book tightly, Ray stepped out of his embrace. Clodan stood there like a statue, frozen. She didn’t know why he was like this, but as long as he understood the sincerity she had buried, she had no other wishes.

Her hands trembled again. It was the first time in her life that she had confessed her emotions so openly and methodically. As she wandered around the study, comforting herself, she was surprised to find someone else occupying the space.

With sharp eyes and a hunched back, Delara, Clodan’s nursemaid, was there. She had disappeared long ago after scaring Ray away, and Ray had since forgotten about her. Without exchanging glances, Delara silently stepped aside. It seemed her purpose was to be with Clodan.

As Ray descended the stairs, she continued to ponder. Delara, who seemed more complete than before, was staring at her as if she could see right through her.

As if she could swallow her whole.