“Episode 22”
Sometimes, without any intermediaries, signals are sent from the divine. For instance, feeling uneasy about a lover who’s been avoiding you or inexplicably disliking someone. It’s a message from the divine, advising you to run away if it doesn’t feel right, giving you a chance to avoid unhappiness. The divine also had a soft spot for Ray, sending her signals as she cared for her.
Outside the door, Clodan was smiling. It seemed like he was looking directly at Ray. Ray wanted to ask him what he was doing outside, but she felt that doing so might lead to trouble. Even his breathing felt uncomfortable to her.
Ray couldn’t understand why Clodan had come. Was he the type to enthusiastically engage in bets? Or was he deliberately doing this to show her the sea? But the Clodan from earlier seemed sincere. His bet didn’t sound like a mere joke told on a whim. Ray decided to lie down near the door for a moment. But as she turned to leave with catlike steps, a clear voice stopped her in her tracks.
“Ray.”
She was caught off guard. Her heart pounded like an elephant’s stomp. Ray hesitated to answer, and Clodan’s affectionate voice echoed back to her.
“You’re not asleep yet.”
Ray felt a bit relieved. Ray, feeling warmer, unbuttoned her nightgown as she responded.
“Yeah. I’m about to sleep now.”
Thud. The door vibrated quickly. The sound was like a rhinoceros charging at her, hitting her eardrums hard. Startled, Ray quickly moved away from the door.
“W-what’s that sound?”
The rough voice echoed through the gap in the door. It sounded as if it was tightly sealed against the door.
“Ray.”
“Yeah?”
“Open the door.”
Was this another one of Clodan’s fresh pranks? He had a habit of teasing her in unusual ways, so she wondered if this was at a similar level.
“We made a bet. You can’t.”
“I’ll sing you a lullaby.”
“I’m fine. It’s okay.”
“You can’t sleep without me, can you?”
“No, I’m going to sleep now…”
Thud. The door shook again. The sound was loud and clear, as if someone was pounding on it. Terrified, Ray quickly distanced herself from the door.
“What, what’s that sound?”
The harsh tone reverberated through the gap in the door. It sounded like it was tightly pressed against it.
“Ray.”
“Y-yes?”
“Are you with someone else?”
In an instant, the atmosphere changed. Clodan’s tone shifted as he spoke through the gap.
“Didn’t you want to go see the sea with me?”
“Ah.”
Bang. The noise was loud. The sound of glass breaking, followed by footsteps stomping on the floor, rang out in succession. A cold draft came through the narrow gap in the door. It seemed like the window in the corridor had been shattered. Ray, filled with fear, knocked on the door with her palm.
“Clodan?”
There was no response. Ray couldn’t figure out what was happening. Hurriedly, she lit a candle and paced back and forth in front of the door. She was worried. Could it be that they were under attack by an intruder?
“Clodan, I’m going to call for help…”
“Ray.”
“Thank goodness. What’s going on?”
“Open the door.”
“What?”
“Are you with someone else?”
It was a mindset that instantly flipped the mood. Clodan rhythmically knocked on the door and spoke.
“Ray.”
Terrified, Ray returned to her bed and wrapped herself up in the blanket, covering herself from head to toe. This was not right. Somehow, it felt like something else, imitating Clodan. Ray hoped it would leave soon.
“You listen well,” Clodan praised, his tone hinting at playfulness.
“You won,” he continued.
“…”
“Let’s go see the sea.”
“…”
“My beautiful Ray.”
His tone was sticky and affectionate, like honey. Clodan lured his prey, dripping sweetness into Ray’s ear.
“Are you mad at me?”
Though he couldn’t see her, Ray lifted her head from under the blanket. Clearly understanding her silence, Clodan responded.
“But why are you being so cold?”
“It’s not like that. I’m just tired today, that’s all.”
“Is a kiss too difficult for you?”
“Clodan…”
“I mean nothing to you.”
“Don’t say that, Clodan.”
“Is this your answer?”
His voice was filled with sadness, and it affected Ray deeply. Standing up abruptly, Ray hesitated in front of the door. She shouldn’t open it, but she felt like Clodan might cry if she didn’t.
Seeing Ray’s hesitation, Clodan turned the doorknob.
“Open it, Ray.”
“B-but…”
“Who else are you with after all?”
“No! You know that’s not true.”
“Then open it. Let me see for myself.”
Ray pulled out the end of the lock slightly, hesitated, and then pushed it back in. Something didn’t feel right. It felt like wearing wet boots. Ray weakly let go of the door handle.
“Clodan.”
“Yeah?”
“We made a promise about this too, and I want to keep it until tomorrow morning.”
“…”
“Can’t you just go back now?”
Outside, there was an eerie silence. It was a moment filled only with the wind whistling through the broken window and the precise ticking of the clock. Ray chewed her nails nervously. Just as she was waiting desperately for a response, Clodan’s subdued voice came through.
“Goodnight.”
“…Are you mad?”
“No.”
A small word slipped through the gap like a pebble through a crack in the wall.
“Your feelings must be at that level.”
It was a sarcastic remark that cut deep into Ray, who was listening intently. Clodan left. She could imagine his frustrated expression. She hadn’t even opened the door for a simple greeting. She neither played along with his jokes nor discerned his affection.
Ray pictured Clodan, who didn’t even acknowledge her greetings. She seemed like a trivial woman who didn’t even understand the signal to go see the sea.
“Cl-Clodan?”
Only the lonely hooting of an owl responded. Ray pounded on the door with her trembling fist.
“Did you leave?”
Ray’s voice echoed with uncertainty.
“You didn’t go, did you? I misunderstood, didn’t I? I don’t dislike you, Clodan. I love you so much. You’re the one who’s been the kindest and most loving to me. Are you listening, huh? Huh?”
No one was there. All signs and shadows had vanished. It was a mistake. A mistake that couldn’t be undone.
Ray had never made friends, so she didn’t know that being serious about a joke could be seen as silly. Moreover, romantic relationships were uncharted territory for her. She had thrown emotions she couldn’t handle, and Clodan had walked away. Was that the last hope he had held onto? Perhaps it was a test. Pain was nothing but a dark deception, and there was no doubt Ray’s affection had raised suspicions.
Clodan was gone for good. Ray needed to turn back immediately. She unlocked the door herself.
Thunk. As the heavy lock fell, Ray dashed out in her nightclothes. He couldn’t have gone far. Her slippers were still off, and she sprinted in the direction Clodan might have gone.
Foolish tears stung her cheeks. If she didn’t catch Clodan now, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. She had to ask for forgiveness.
“Cl-Clodan! Wait, just a moment!”
She found him. His figure, with one foot on the stairs, came into view. Ray rushed towards him, clinging to him with the last of her strength. Breathing heavily, she pleaded earnestly.
“Sorry, I’m sorry. Don’t go. Please listen to me.”
“…”
“Clodan is the most precious person to me. I like you. Please don’t be disappointed in me. I’m not used to playing jokes like this, I just couldn’t keep up. Are you mad? I just wanted to keep the promise I made with Clodan.”
“…”
“I didn’t know you would hate it so much. Please, let go of your anger. Let’s forget everything today. Please? If things continue like this, I really don’t think I can sleep tonight.”
“…”
“Clodan? W-what do you have to say?”
Only the back of his unwrinkled shirt and the remnants of lingering emotions were visible. Ray released the embrace and gently nudged Clodan’s shoulder.
“Clodan?”
“Yeah.”
“Why…”
It felt like the full moon had been embedded into both her eyes. It sparkled, radiant with defiance. He clearly smiled.
“Do you really think I’d ever abandon you?”
Ray stepped back, but her body wouldn’t move any further. Clodan’s cold fingertips brushed against her cheek.
“You were given to me as a gift.”
“Clodan.”
“Do you love me?”
He leaned in to kiss her, and Ray responded as if accepting a kiss.
“Unfortunately.”
Her head spun. The cozy lobby carpet was now rolled up. The fireplace burned white. The railing that stood above collapsed like a waterfall. The mansion crumbled. Clodan’s face shattered into dozens of pieces in front of her. Ray tightly shut her eyes.
The soles of her feet stung. Grains of sand wedged between her toes, and the sound of waves she had only heard from seashells roared. The solid ground had turned into white sand. The seawater lapped at her toes, a cold sensation she had never experienced.
“Ray.”
“Here…”
The sea.
“Open your mouth.”
As Clodan’s tongue forcefully entered, Ray saw the sea for the first time. It was a sandy beach. And beside it, the sea. The sunset mixed orange hues into the sea like a painting. In the center of it all was her.
Was it Clodan, who had once shared her life? Ray harbored such suspicions. The wind tousling her hair, the salty smell, the sand warming her feet, were all real. Even as Clodan focused on kissing her, he only brushed against her waist.
On the day Ray’s small wish was fulfilled, she collapsed onto the sandy beach. Like the sea setting, Ray was fading away because of Clodan. That was her first impression of the sea.
