We got into Yu-geon’s car, which was parked near the center, and headed back to Emily’s house. Since I had already contacted her in advance to let her know we were coming for a feeding, she greeted us with a bright smile as soon as she saw us.
“Welcome. Oh? Yu-geon, you’re here too?”
Because I had informed her earlier, Emily already knew that Yu-geon and I had canceled our pairing. I had also told her yesterday that I would be coming alone, so it was understandable that she was surprised.
“What? You didn’t want to see me?”
Yu-geon responded with his usual charm. Emily chuckled as she replied.
“Of course, I did. Welcome. Just in case, I made some for you too.”
A savory scent drifted from the slightly open door. When we stepped inside, I saw that she had indeed prepared three servings, including one for Yu-geon.
“I thought you two had a huge fight after canceling your pair. I was actually planning to convince Sa-weol today no matter what.”
“We did fight, but we made up.”
Says who?
Strictly speaking, Yu-geon had said something that was almost a confession, and we had just swept our sharp emotions under the rug and moved on.
I shot him a glare, and he quickly corrected himself.
“No, I lost. The one who wants it more is always the loser, right?”
“Oh… what’s going on between you two?”
Interest and curiosity flickered in Emily’s eyes. Realizing this conversation could easily lead to a misunderstanding, I quickly spoke up.
“He wants to be colleagues. What a load of crap.”
“Not just colleagues. The closest colleague.”
Despite my protest, Emily narrowed her eyes and glanced between the two of us with suspicion.
To change the subject, I hurriedly took a seat. Like the first time we had gathered around this table, we drank blood extracted from creature meat as if it were a beverage and ate various side dishes along with it.
“I honestly thought Sa-weol wasn’t coming to feed anymore because she only drinks Yu-geon’s blood now.”
“I’ve just been busy. My head’s all over the place these days.”
“Because of the Gate? Has it been resolved now?”
“Yeah. The Gate… and other things.”
I had already eaten enough, and it was the perfect moment to bring it up. We had come here in a hurry to ask Emily about it, but I found myself hesitating.
Under the table, Yu-geon nudged me with his foot. His sharp gaze told me to speak up now.
I know. I get it.
“So… what about that researcher? Any progress?”
Emily’s eyes widened slightly at my abrupt question during the meal. She glanced at Yu-geon as if gauging whether it was okay to talk in front of him.
“It’s fine. He’s helping me now.”
“Really…?”
Emily hesitated for a moment before continuing with a troubled expression.
“But I still haven’t been able to track them down… We might need to wait a little longer.”
Once again, all she could say was to wait. Yu-geon’s gaze flickered between me and Emily.
I forced a smile onto my stiffening lips and asked again.
“You haven’t even been able to get the contact of that acquaintance who claimed to know the researcher’s whereabouts? Or at least, can you tell me about the group you’ve been gathering information from?”
“Well… that’s…”
“I’m sorry for leaving everything to you until now. I’ll take over from here. You remember what I said back then, Emily.”
I had tried not to let it show, but I unconsciously put emphasis on her name.
Emily was the first friend I had made as a Cremon.
Before I could pressure her, I wanted her to come clean on her own.
After becoming Cremon, we had shared the confusion and despair we felt and tried to find hope within it.
Emily wouldn’t have deceived me. She couldn’t have. I hoped she hadn’t.
Yu-geon also said there had to be some misunderstanding. Even if she had been brainwashed, I didn’t truly believe she had betrayed me.
Tell me you didn’t deceive me. Hurry. Now.
She hesitated, glancing nervously at me before parting her lips. Her voice trembled.
“No… Sa-weol, you… it’s dangerous for you to be living at the center. It’s fine. I’ll find them. Don’t worry. I can do it. Just wait a little longer—”
Bang.
“A little? Until when?”
“Sa-weol….”
I slammed my hand on the table, unable to suppress my sudden anger at her endless lies. Emily’s eyes widened in shock.
“When exactly are you going to find out? Do you realize you’ve been telling me to wait for over six months?”
“That’s… I mean….”
Her entire body was now trembling. The thought that she had betrayed me was growing stronger in my mind. My gaze toward her turned cold.
What would happen if I pressed her now and got the truth?
If she was in league with the culprit? If she had intentionally deceived me? If this meal was the last time I would see her? If she released her Cremon transformation and attacked me?
Could I hurt Emily?
I caught myself thinking of the worst possible outcome. Would I… be able to kill her?
Sensing the ominous shift in the air, Yu-geon stepped between us.
“Emily. It’s okay. If you’re hiding something, just tell us. Avoiding this won’t solve anything.”
“Stay out of it, Baek Yu-geon.”
“You don’t actually believe she tricked you on purpose, do you? If she were working with the culprit, she would’ve lured you outside. And do you think she’d be welcoming me so warmly?”
“That’s true, but….”
As Yu-geon pointed out, linking her to the culprit didn’t fully add up. Emily had gone out of her way to bring me creature blood every week when I was too weak to move, handling the troublesome aftermath without complaint.
If she had truly wanted to target me, she wouldn’t have welcomed an S-Class Esper like Yu-geon. She would’ve badmouthed him or tried to drive a wedge between us.
After all, there was a time when Yu-geon and I weren’t on good terms, and my trust in Emily was stronger.
If this was just a misunderstanding, it was better to ask her outright rather than let emotions cloud my judgment. But I couldn’t bring myself to do so because of that small chance—however slim—that it wasn’t.
“The culprit…? What are you talking about?”
Emily, who had been watching our conversation in confusion, finally asked, looking stunned. I let out a sigh and remained silent, so Yu-geon answered for me.
“The missing researcher who studied antibiotics. He was active in Sector C and is a mind-type Esper. We know he targeted Gu Sa-weol because he knew she doesn’t have a core. You knew this too, didn’t you?”
“…….”
“Why did you hide it?”
“…….”
“It’s okay, just tell us. There’s a reason, isn’t there?”
Even though Yu-geon was using the gentlest tone possible, she remained silent. Her breath came out in ragged gasps, and she wouldn’t even meet our eyes anymore. Her nervousness and anxiety were obvious.
“You didn’t tell me because you were afraid the culprit would be exposed if I started tracking the researcher, is that it? On the day of the attack, did you deliberately leak my location?”
“No…! No, I didn’t!”
“Then tell me why you hid it.”
“I… I…”
“The more you keep this from me, the more I’ll doubt you. You were the only one who knew I didn’t have a core. The only person I shared that secret with was you.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. She pressed her lips together, trying to hold them back, but eventually, they spilled down her cheeks.
“I didn’t do it. Don’t doubt me, Sa-weol. It wasn’t me. I swear it wasn’t me. I’m… I’m sorry… Hhhoooong…”
She suddenly broke down, sobbing like a child. Caught off guard by her wailing, I instinctively grabbed her hands.
“No… Emily, I’m not saying I’ve decided you’re the culprit. It’s just… something about all this doesn’t make sense….”
My words came out in a jumble. A strong sense that something was off hit me. As I patted her shoulder to calm her down, she cried even harder.
“I… hhic, hhic… if you become… hhic… human again… hhic… you said you… hhic… wanted to die….”
“Huh? What did you just say?”
Did I hear that right? Be… what?
“You said… hhic… if you became human again… hhic… you’d want to die….”
A sharp ringing filled my head. My mind reeled as flashes of past conversations and subtle shifts in Emily’s behavior played in fast-forward.
“So… you hid it because you were afraid I’d die if I became human again?”
“Yeah… hhic… hooooong…”
Her words sank in, and I was left utterly dumbfounded. The heavy tension in the air dissipated, and suddenly, the situation felt absurdly comedic.
So, all this time, she wasn’t hiding the information because she was involved with the culprit—she was worried I’d find a cure and, as a result, take my own life.
Relief washed over me, along with gratitude that I wouldn’t have to hurt her.
I had never truly wanted to harm Emily. I would rather have cut her out of my life than raise a hand against her.
If Yu-geon hadn’t spoken first, I might have just let it go and returned to the center without asking anything further.
As I silently held Emily in my arms and patted her back, Yu-geon muttered in confusion.
“What the hell…? Becoming human again… makes you want to die?”
“Sigh….”
“Tell me, Gu Sa-weol. Is that true?”
Yu-geon’s face darkened as he demanded an answer. At that moment, I regretted bringing him here.
“I once told Emily something like that. Back when I had just become Cremon. When I hated myself the most.”
“Okay. But not now, right? I mean….”
“Sometimes, I still feel the urge to die.”
“You—”
“Hhooooong!”
Yu-geon looked like he wanted to say something, but Emily’s wailing drowned out his voice. She weakly pounded my arm with her fists and sobbed miserably.
“D-don’t die, Sa-weol…”
“Okay, okay. I got it. I won’t die.”
“Promise…!”
I consoled her as best I could. Once Emily started crying, it was hard for her to stop. If I kept talking, she’d probably cry loud enough to bring the house down.
Noticing Yu-geon’s increasingly grim expression, I told him to bring some warm water. With a long, heavy sigh, he got up and walked into the kitchen.
* * *
After becoming a Cremon, I often had the same dream.
At first, it was a dream where I lost control right after my transformation and attacked the researchers in the lab.
As I gradually came to accept that I was a Cremon, the dream changed. Now, I would find myself in the middle of the center, mid-transformation into a creature, while Awakeners surrounded me, aiming their guns from all directions.
Amid the chaos, I would desperately search for someone. And the moment my eyes met theirs—
Bang.
The dream would end.
I never knew whether I survived or died, bullets embedded all over my body. But if such a situation ever arose, I would have likely taken my own life. Maybe, in my subconscious, I killed the version of myself in the dream before it could reach that point.
Even if the past was nothing more than something that had already happened, the image of guns pointed at me was terrifying enough to make me wake up drenched in cold sweat. Every time I had that dream, I was tormented by an overwhelming urge to die.
I had slit my wrists a few times in reality, but the scars never remained. The deeper I cut, the more I realized I couldn’t die. And once I understood that, I stopped trying altogether.
I knew better than anyone how much harder it was for those left behind when someone they cared about died. That was why I had tried so hard to avoid forming attachments with others in the first place.
So why did I think Emily would be okay?
