IYWHM Chapter 86

“…Ah, I see.”

Kisa responded to Seyard’s words with a slight delay, surprised.

“I suppose that’s true. Love and doubt do seem like opposite emotions.”

After awkwardly agreeing with his statement, she fidgeted with her fingers resting on her knee.

“……”

“……”

Whether it was her imagination or not, an uncomfortable silence seemed to fill the carriage.

How strange. After becoming somewhat close to him, periods of silence had never felt awkward before.

‘This feels different this time.’

Kisa carefully observed the person sitting across from her.

Her gaze contained hope that perhaps he would change the atmosphere with his usual gentle smile.

However, Seyard seemed lost in thought, arms crossed, staring into space with an expressionless face.

Seeing him like this, a sudden worry arose in Kisa’s heart.

‘Could he be angry?’

Perhaps he was disappointed by the opinion Kisa had just expressed about the opera’s heroine.

After all, she had openly defended the heroine who doubted her lover right in front of him, who believed that love and doubt cannot coexist.

Rationally speaking, it seemed unlikely that Seyard would be upset over mere impressions of an opera, but seeing his demeanor made it difficult to dismiss her concerns.

Why had she only realized this now? Kisa had a belated revelation.

Seyard, who had completely wiped any expression from his face, looked remarkably cold.

As the silence in the carriage lengthened, she gradually lost the capacity to think rationally.

At the same time, she realized why she had been so surprised when he said love should not be accompanied by doubt.

It was the first time Seyard had so clearly expressed an opinion that contradicted hers.

Come to think of it, he had always quietly supported Kisa’s views.

When she was anxious about her broken engagement, when she fell into inexplicable lethargy after the broken engagement, when she was shocked by the princess’s violent behavior toward Gabriel.

He had always comforted her, and Kisa had found peace in his warm-heartedness.

‘Yes, Seyard was always right.’

So surely it would be the same this time.

With an almost obsessive anxiety, Kisa’s lips began to move.

Upon reflection, I think your opinion is completely correct after all. Just as she was about to say this—

“Kisa, I’d like to add something to our earlier conversation.”

Seyard spoke first.

“…About the opera?”

“Yes. Upon further reflection, I think I may have expressed a rather one-sided opinion.”

“Oh, yes. Please feel free to speak.”

“That love should not be accompanied by doubt—that’s merely my opinion. I could be wrong and you could be right. Or perhaps we’re both right and wrong.”

“Is that so?”

His words seemed a bit random, causing Kisa to tilt her head.

He said he might be wrong, but honestly, she couldn’t quite agree with that statement.

For Kisa, Seyard Hillan had always been someone who provided the correct answers.

Moreover, what did he mean by being wrong and right at the same time? Wasn’t that contradictory?

As if answering Kisa’s doubts, Seyard slowly began his explanation.

“The affairs of the world are so complex and peculiar that often there isn’t one clear answer. Though this too is just my opinion.”

With those words, he wore a faint smile. It was a moment when the anxiety that had dominated Kisa for the past few minutes dissipated like fog.

“While I consider the heroine’s mistrust of her lover clearly wrong, looking at the overall plot, it’s also true that because of her actions, the couple was able to be more honest with each other.”

As he turned his gaze toward the window showing the street scenery, Kisa followed his lead and looked outside. Today, the sunset coloring the capital looked like blood.

“If she had continued to trust her lover completely, she would have discovered his identity as a lord much later. Perhaps she might never have known.”

Kisa had speculated similarly. At least from the scenes shown in the play, the lord seemed to have no intention of revealing his identity to his lover.

“Well, I’m not asserting that one must know the other’s identity to be happy, but if truth is considered the most important value in a romantic relationship, then this is not an ideal state. Moreover, it’s unequal. The lord knows her identity while she alone remains ignorant. From his perspective, such a relationship might seem perfectly satisfactory, but that’s merely one-sided satisfaction.”

“Ah, I felt the same way!”

Kisa nodded unconsciously. Listening to his explanation, she felt as though the thoughts in her head were being organized into clear terms.

At the same time, she understood why she had felt uncomfortable watching a play that was dominated by criticism of the heroine’s distrust and ignorance.

In the play, the heroine was thoroughly cast as a sinner who had committed a wrong, while the male lead was portrayed as forgiving her out of love.

One critic had interpreted the relationship between these two characters as analogous to that of a confused human doubting God’s existence and God caring for such a human with generosity…

‘Honestly, I don’t really understand that religious perspective.’

For Kisa, it felt unsettling that although it was the lord who first concealed the truth, only the heroine became the object of criticism and moral instruction.

Seyard stroked his chin with his long, delicate fingers as he continued.

“In that sense, the heroine’s doubt is a natural emotional response and the first step toward the best possible future. Though the latter part is somewhat based on the outcome.”

“Hmm, because there’s no guarantee that the heroine’s actions would only lead to good results?”

“Exactly. In reality, the lord might have simply expelled the heroine out of a sense of betrayal. If that had happened, her position as a captive would have become quite difficult.”

A beautiful woman having to endure alone in enemy territory without the lord’s protection. Just imagining it sent chills down her spine.

“Though not explicitly shown in the work, the heroine must have anticipated all this. Yet she chose to seek the truth despite knowing the risks. It was a very courageous decision.”

Kisa stared at Seyard intently. A person who says that love should not be accompanied by doubt, yet highly values the heroine who doubted her lover.

Which side did he weigh more heavily? She suddenly became curious about this.

Perhaps it was because their conversation about the opera had caused her to reflect on herself.

‘Haven’t I made the same mistake as her?’

Hadn’t she tried to learn about his past by going to the monastery, unable to fully trust Seyard?

At that time, she hadn’t even properly recognized her own feelings, let alone become his lover, but in fact, Kisa had already harbored feelings for him since then.

In other words, she had doubted him while loving him.

Sweat collected in her clenched fist.

What would Seyard do if he ever found out about this?

Would he say it was okay, as he always did? Would he forgive her in the end, despite initial disappointment, like the male lead in the play?

‘Or…’

Kisa swallowed dryly at the ominous thoughts that formed in her mind.

“Um, Seyard.”

His gaze returned when she called his name.

Feeling uneasy under that calm gaze, like someone who had committed a sin, she asked a question.

“If you were in the lord’s position, what do you think you would have done? Do you think you would have forgiven your lover?”

“If I were him, you ask?”

“I’ve been imagining it, but I can’t tell. I completely understand her feelings, but I think it would also be sad to be doubted by someone you love…”

Despite the seemingly trivial nature of Kisa’s question, he closed his eyes as if preparing to give a serious answer.

“Well…”

After a moment, Seyard opened his eyes.

“If I were to be doubted by someone I love, that would truly be…”

In that instant, Kisa felt as though the reddish-brown eyes facing her were rippling with intense emotion.

But that change disappeared behind his eyelids in the blink of an eye.

“I’m sorry. I find it difficult to imagine such a dramatic situation.”

He smiled awkwardly, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

“Perhaps I would only know if it actually happened? Well, since I’m not hiding my identity like the lord, the possibility of such a thing happening is almost non-existent.”

“…That’s true.”

Kisa forced a laugh, “Haha.”

“I’m sorry for asking something strange.”

“Not at all. It’s quite enjoyable discussing various things with you after watching the play.”

At that moment, the carriage stopped moving. They had arrived at the Vansfelt mansion.

Seyard, who got out of the carriage first, skillfully escorted Kisa.

After kissing the back of his lover’s hand as a farewell gesture, he asked somewhat regretfully:

“Would you continue to keep me company like this in the future? We still have many performances we haven’t seen.”

“Of course.”

When Kisa answered thus, a satisfied smile appeared on the man’s face.

Afterward, his dropping his lips onto Kisa’s round forehead happened in an instant.

“Until next time, then.”

With that promise of a next meeting, he departed.

What awaited Kisa upon returning to her room was a pile of letters that had arrived today.

“Sigh.”

With a faint sigh, she opened them one by one and briefly scanned their contents.

Then her hand stopped at one particular letter.

Unlike the envelope with a somewhat unfamiliar name, the familiar handwriting caught her eye.

[Kisa, I’ve discovered something incredible while mingling with that fellow’s relatives. This is truly amazing. You’d be shocked to hear it.]

It was Daniel Lowens again.

Kisa crumpled the letter without hesitation.

This time she wouldn’t be wrong.