Tears slowly welled up in my eyes. Was liking someone always this sorrowful and painful?
Without realizing it, I looked at Raynan with eyes full of resentment.
As tears filled my eyes, Raynan visibly panicked. Then, as if he realized the emotion in my eyes, he quickly let go of my hand and slowly stepped back.
It was exactly three steps. If he had just kept that much distance, I wouldn’t have had to admit to these feelings.
It was a pointless resentment. Even if I pretended not to feel it, the emotions wouldn’t just disappear.
“I didn’t mean to force an answer out of you…”
It was the first time I saw Raynan this flustered, trailing off his words. Seeing him like that, I smiled weakly.
It wasn’t something I could blame Raynan for. And it wasn’t like I wanted to make him feel awkward either.
More than anything, avoiding him like this because of my feelings—wasn’t that just me not doing my job properly?
“If you need time, I can give it to you. But…”
“It’s okay. I’m just a little… a little tired, I think.”
“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?”
“No. I think I was just feeling burdened and exhausted from everything that’s happened.”
I didn’t know how convincing a smiling face with tears hanging in my eyes could be.
Maybe I smiled so brightly to hide my emotions. A single tear that had been clinging to the corner of my eye finally rolled down my cheek. Raynan raised his hand as if to wipe the tear away, but stopped midway.
Instead, I casually wiped it away myself.
“Looks like I pushed you too hard. I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention.”
“I know. That you were just worried.”
“Yes. No matter what, I genuinely worry about you. I hope that someday, I can be someone you feel comfortable talking to. Of course, I’m not forcing that either.”
Maybe he thought it might be too much pressure. Raynan quickly waved both hands to emphasize it wasn’t a demand.
“Yes. Thank you.”
“Of course, I’d like it to be me. But even if it’s not, talk to Amelia or someone else.”
“Okay.”
And with that, the conversation was over. Raynan seemed to think so too and turned toward the door.
He took only a few steps before stopping again and looking back at me.
“Is there something else you want to say?”
“No, it’s not that.”
He acted like he was about to leave but couldn’t bring himself to walk away. His eyes, watching me, were filled with concern.
See? How could I not get the wrong idea? He really does seem like someone who likes me.
The tears I had been holding back finally started to spill down my cheeks. Seeing me cry in silence, Raynan became flustered again and eventually took a heavy step forward.
He hesitated until the end, looking back at me several times before finally stepping out of the room.
Thankfully, the others waiting outside didn’t come in right away. It seemed Raynan had said something to them.
I heard quiet whispers, and soon it seemed like Renee had joined them.
Since Raynan told them not to come in, Renee looked even more curious and was ready to open the door any second.
But then Amelia’s stern voice rang out, and everything outside went quiet again.
I stood still for a long time before walking toward the bed. It felt like all the strength had drained from my body.
“What even is this…?”
Well, it wasn’t a light matter, but was it really something I had to deny so desperately? A sudden wave of emptiness washed over me.
In the end, it was something I couldn’t avoid. I should’ve just admitted it sooner and thought about how to sort through these feelings.
“Haa…”
As soon as I lay down on the bed, a long sigh escaped me.
“Why do I even like him?”
He’s blunt, seems to have almost no emotions. When he works or gives orders to Roman, he looks like someone completely lacking in affection.
It’s not like he’s particularly considerate either. Isn’t he the type who doesn’t care about other people’s feelings at all?
“Yeah. That’s what I thought. If that’s all he was, I wouldn’t have fallen for him in the first place.”
I tried to focus on his flaws, but in the end, they were all just preconceptions I had before I really knew Raynan.
In truth, even with his stoic face, he knew how to pay close attention to people. He could comfort and soothe others in his own way.
It was just that those sides of him were hidden behind his tone and expression.
He was cold, yes, but that was a necessary quality for maintaining his position. And when the situation called for it, he could show generosity and consideration too.
“No, no, this isn’t it.”
What’s the point of listing his good sides now?
I grabbed my head in frustration. I had started by nitpicking his flaws, but ended up thinking only about his good traits.
“This is really that man’s fault.”
Seriously, with a face like that and such deep, gentle eyes—what woman wouldn’t fall if he was nice to her?
Why didn’t he warn me during the contract that something like this could happen?
Raynan, you jerk.
“Haa… What’s the point of all this thinking now. I should just think about what to do moving forward.”
I straightened up and focused my mind, thinking about what came next. Facing reality would be much more helpful.
It was a one-year contract anyway. Raynan was fulfilling his side of it faithfully, and if I let myself get swept up, I’d be the one hurt.
After all, our contract didn’t include real emotions.
Of course, the contract could be extended after a year. But knowing Raynan’s capabilities, I believed he could finish everything within that time.
“So I just have to hold out for a year… No, there’s about half a year left now, right?”
After that, I would leave with the promised compensation. Leaving Edwin behind would hurt, but…
Originally, I had planned to stay even after the contract ended.
“No, if Raynan really liked me… but no, that’s impossible.”
There was a fundamental difference in status between us. Raynan grew up among people who calculated everything, including marriage, for their family’s benefit.
Would someone like him really harbor feelings for someone like me, who had nothing?
“Yeah, there’s no way.”
No matter how I thought about it, it just didn’t seem possible. We lived in completely different worlds.
That’s probably why I tried so hard not to realize my feelings for him. I knew it would end as something one-sided.
And when I finally accepted those feelings I had been trying so hard to avoid, the tears came—probably because of that realization.
“What do I do now?”
I sighed and fell deep into thought. But since it was unrequited love, there wasn’t really any satisfying answer.
“Right? Since it’s one-sided, I just don’t have to expect anything, right?”
Just like the feelings flowed into me one day, a time would come when they’d flow out.
When I pretended not to see or hear anything, everything felt sad and uneasy. But once I changed my mindset, my heart felt a lot lighter.
“I mean, what’s wrong with liking someone? I’m not asking for money or marriage. I’m just liking him on my own.”
There was some gloom, but it faded quickly. I figured as long as I didn’t hope for anything to happen with him, there was no reason to feel sad.
What could I do? I already liked him.
Liking someone on its own wasn’t something I could be blamed for. I wasn’t going to tell anyone—I would just quietly keep it in my heart.
Whatever it was, as long as I didn’t hope for the same feelings from Raynan, it would be fine.
The lucky part was that there was still some time left on our contract. If I could sort out my feelings before then, I might not even need to leave.
Of course, I would never hear Edwin call me “mother,” but at least I could stay with him like I am now, and that would be enough.
“Yeah. Avoiding him isn’t the answer.”
Now that I didn’t have to avoid Raynan and could treat him like before, there was no problem.
Feeling truly at peace for the first time in a long while, my mood lifted.
****
Raynan stepped out of Renee’s room but stopped in his tracks instead of heading to his office.
It felt like his mind had wandered off somewhere.
Had he ever seen that expression on Renee’s face before?
By nature, Renee was quite expressive. Whatever she felt usually showed on her face.
Sometimes she looked surprised or frightened, other times she smiled joyfully, and when she chattered away, she wore a rather lovely expression.
Unaware of how clearly her emotions showed, Renee would often be surprised when he read her thoughts.
That in itself was adorable, so he never told her how he knew.
But seeing her silently shed such sorrowful tears—that was truly the first time. He had never even imagined it.
He’d heard before that silent tears could hurt so deeply, but he’d never actually experienced it.
“I must’ve done something really wrong…”
But he had no idea what it could be. All he had done was try to ask Renee why she kept avoiding him.
“Was that the mistake?”
He knew he would never find the answer on his own. This was the hardest problem he’d ever faced in his life.
“Haa.”
Frustrated, Raynan ran a hand through his hair. His usually neat and tidy hair became messy, but he didn’t care at all.
His mind was far more disheveled than his hair, so what did it matter?
Just then, Roman walked past him, his arms full of documents, moving briskly.
Noticing Raynan, he stopped and turned back with a surprised expression, studying him as he asked,
“Why are you standing around here like that?”
Raynan was cold but generally tolerant, so Roman had always been able to speak his mind.
But lately, things had changed. There were countless things he wanted to say, but barely any of them could make it out of his mouth.
This was one of those moments. The words “There’s a mountain of work waiting” came right up to his throat, but he swallowed them down.
Raynan’s demeanor was clearly not normal.
For him to appear so shaken outside his office—it meant something serious had happened.
After a moment’s hesitation, Roman handed over the stack of documents he was carrying to Raynan.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
Raynan took the documents reflexively and asked in a very displeased tone.
“I’ll go see Miss Renee.”
“What?”
“Who else would have you acting like this but her? I’m probably the most observant one here, so I’ll assess the situation—”
Before Roman could finish, Raynan shoved the documents back into his arms.
“Stop doing pointless things and go back to work.”
“Pointless? Still, wouldn’t it be better if I checked on Miss Renee’s condition?”
It probably would be. If it came to picking up on subtle cues, Raynan would likely miss all the important parts.
If that was what was bothering him, Roman figured it’d be quicker for him to go assess Renee’s mood himself.
“Guess that’s a no. Understood.”
Raynan’s deadly glare made it clear—if Roman dared to go, he wouldn’t be let off lightly.
The sharp perception Roman meant to use for Renee ended up being used to read Raynan’s mood instead.
After hearing Roman’s reply, Raynan began walking ahead.
Lately, Renee had taken up quite a bit of his time, so hearing Raynan talk about working again was actually a relief for Roman.
But the ominous air that clung to Raynan’s back made Roman wonder if it might be better for him to just take over Raynan’s work too.
