Chapter 153
Helena had always strived to be as useful as possible in front of Caligo. She had worked tirelessly to be his equal. Even though she knew it was a futile effort, she had constantly pushed herself.
But now, she had revealed the depths of her heart with her own words. She had called herself a poisonous mushroom to the man she had once loved.
She needed to end this conversation now.
The longer they spoke, the more she stood to lose. It was best to reveal as little of herself as possible to him. She had to stop here.
‘No. I can’t do this. Stop talking and turn away from him. If nothing else, I have to protect my pride. I don’t want to crumble completely in front of him. I refuse to show him my weakness.’
Helena bit her lip, trying to regain control.
But it wasn’t easy. Maybe it was because of the deep resentment that still lingered in her heart. She felt an overwhelming urge to spit out all the anger she had bottled up inside. It felt like a massive pendulum was swinging inside her chest, crashing back and forth with each heartbeat.
‘Are you really going to stay quiet? You don’t have any pride left anyway. You’ve endured so much. You tried so hard. But he never even acknowledged your efforts. You resent him for that, don’t you?:
“…You should have just left me alone.”
In the end, she let her emotions slip out, laced with thorns.
“If I was going to die anyway, you should have just let me die in peace.”
“……”
“It would have been better for both of us. Why did you have to find me?”
“…You.”
“No matter how many times we cross paths, we’ll never bring out the best in each other. So why… why did you seek me out?”
For the first time, she voiced the emotions she had desperately tried to bury. But it didn’t feel liberating at all.
In fact, once those emotions had been released, she couldn’t hold them back anymore. It was like a dam had burst, and now the flood of words and feelings refused to be controlled.
Blinded by sorrow and resentment, Helena failed to notice how Caligo’s face twisted with grief and guilt right in front of her. For the first time, she was too consumed by her own emotions to see anything else.
“No matter what you do, you can’t fix me. Even if I stay by your side, I’ll only be a burden to you.”
It felt like her lungs were being ripped apart.
She could barely breathe as she spoke, and with each word, she felt as if her chest was being crushed. Even though she was pouring all her resentment onto Caligo, it felt like she was the one being torn apart.
“And yet, you still came looking for me? Why, why…?”
“……”
“Why are you making me say these things out loud?”
Helena shouted, her voice thick with anguish. The cold distance she had tried to maintain was completely gone.
“You already know everything about me. You knew I was born a bastard. You knew I was living on borrowed time.”
“Helena.”
“How much more of my humiliation do you want to see?”
“……”
“I know. I know it too. I know my life is nothing compared to yours. I know it’s pathetic, shameful… I hate my own life, too.”
“……”
“So why are you making me say it out loud?”
She knew she shouldn’t be saying these things.
But she couldn’t stop.
“Do you think just because I’m a bastard, I don’t have any pride? I have feelings. I feel pain.”
“……”
“All the words you’ve said to me—every single one of them—hurt. I’ve cried alone because of them.”
She had never truly been okay.
She had only pretended to be.
That was why she had told him not to apologize. Because even remembering what had happened was unbearable. Just thinking about the events that had unfolded at the Frantor estate still made her body tense up with fear.
That was why she had kept telling herself the same thing over and over again.
‘You’re Eskel’s daughter. What they did to you was only natural. You shouldn’t feel hurt by it.’
Maybe she had been lying to herself this whole time.
‘Then why…? If I told you not to apologize, you shouldn’t have.’
‘I would have rather suffered alone, holding onto the last shred of my dignity.’
“I will spend my entire life apologizing to you.”
Caligo’s voice broke through her thoughts.
“You don’t have to forgive me. But at least let me save you. Let me help you. Please…”
For some reason, she found herself laughing bitterly.
Even though he was offering to help, she felt no joy at all.
“I told you, it’s useless.”
“I will find a way. I will find a way to save you.”
“Even if you save me… will anything really change?”
“…What? What are you talking about?”
“Isn’t that right?”
After pouring out all her anger, what remained was only resignation.
“I don’t think I’ll be very happy even if I keep living like this.”
“…….”
“Your Excellency, I’m… so tired.”
Helena closed her eyes and confessed.
“I’m just so tired.”
From the moment she was born, giving up and resigning herself had become second nature. Even as a child, she had wished to be loved by her parents and to feel the warmth of a family. But once she learned she wasn’t the countess’s real daughter, she had let go of that wish without hesitation.
Even when she tried seeking warmth from others, it was impossible. Because she was Eskel’s daughter. She had been so accustomed to being the subject of scorn that people’s ridicule barely fazed her anymore. She had endured countless insults and humiliation.
“I just want to rest.”
From birth, she had been used to letting go.
This time was no different. It was time to let go again.
‘This is enough. Don’t hope for more, Helena. You can never have a future with Caligo and the children. Don’t hold them back.’
‘You’ve already done enough by bringing down Eskel. Now that his family has fallen, there will be no more victims. The only thing left is to use the remaining fortune to compensate them. Once that’s done, your role will be over.’
“…Helena.”
At that moment, Caligo gently wrapped his fingers around her wrist.
It was a silent plea. ‘Please, don’t say such things.’
Following the touch of his hand, Helena slowly raised her gaze. What she saw was Caligo’s face, filled with more desperation than ever before.
At one point, she had desperately wished for this man’s love. Unlike her, who had always lived in the shadows, he existed in a world so dazzlingly bright.
People didn’t sneer at him—they praised him. They chanted his name with admiration.
Perhaps that was why she had admired him.
She had wanted to escape the shadows and live in the sunlight by his side.
“Helena, please. That’s not true.”
As if sensing her hesitation, Caligo called her name again. Helena froze in place, meeting his gaze.
But just like how a plant accustomed to cold soil withers in a warm climate, she was the same.
To her, Caligo’s light only made her own shadow stand out more.
No matter how much she loved the sun, the sun would always remain the sun.
And just like how some plants wither under its rays, she realized that her time with Caligo had not always been happy.
“No, I…”
Even if, by some miracle, she were to survive, nothing would change.
No matter how hard she tried to forget, the name Eskel would haunt her forever.
Caligo and the children would live burdened with guilt for the rest of their lives.
“I just really want to rest now.”
So Helena coldly pulled her wrist away from Caligo’s desperate grip.
At the same time, she turned away.
She didn’t care if he thought she was heartless and ungrateful.
She was just… too tired.
Without responding to his calls, she took a step forward.
And yet—
She had been happy.
Even the most trivial conversations they had while sitting among wild grass.
Watching him doze off under the warm sunlight.
Playing in the dirt with the children, sharing meals together…
For the first time, she, a useless weed in this world, had felt even a little bit valuable.
Whenever the children smiled brightly at her.
Whenever they ate her food with joy.
She had truly been happy.
‘That’s enough. Those memories are enough to carry with me.’
Perhaps it was because she had suppressed her emotions for so long, but as she walked, she felt her consciousness slipping.
It was like floating in a vacuum.
Like walking in a dream.
‘If only all of this had been just a dream.’
Her limbs felt as heavy as if they were submerged underwater.
Her mind, hazy and clouded with mist.
And then—
A sudden flash of white light filled her vision.
“Helena?”
It took a moment for Caligo to realize something was wrong.
She had stopped moving.
Suspicious, he quickly stepped toward her.
Under the faint moonlight seeping through the warehouse window, Helena, who had been standing precariously, suddenly collapsed.
“Helena!”
She lost consciousness on the spot.
Even as he gently tapped her cheek, she showed no sign of waking.
Panic surged through him.
All he could do was call her name, over and over again.
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