1. The Beginning of Everything
“Are you going to return again?”
A clear voice filled the space, which was only white. The empty echo soon became a melody that lightly touched the leaves that lie between blue and turquoise. It was reminiscent of an endlessly generous spring breeze, yet, at the same time, it was like an endlessly cool winter wind.
“Maybe.”
The reply that came back to the question was incredibly mundane. Had the counterpart been an ordinary being, the tone was so emotionless that it might have dampened the mood.
However, the two beings engaged in conversation within that space seemed not to care about such things, continuing their dialogue without pause.
“Your body is going to fall apart now.”
“I don’t care about such things.”
“You don’t know the pain of being pressed in the crevices of time. You’ve been lucky to avoid it so far, but this time it’s truly dangerous. How long do you think you can remain a grand mage, when your power is also running low, just a mere human?”
“As a mere human, if I’ve perfectly turned back time dozens of times, there’s no reason I can’t do it again. Besides, power… isn’t that something that doesn’t truly exist? Who’s to say who has it and who doesn’t? Even if it’s the World Tree….”
“You’re being arrogant.”
“It’s arrogance with a reason.”
“Does that child know that this is what your personality is like?”
“…….”
To a question posed by one voice, another voice remained silent. As if having anticipated this silence, the owner of the first voice chuckled and picked up a rabbit playing in the field. With gentle strokes, they removed the grass sticking to the rabbit’s tail.
“My dear, I am not a being you need to guard against.”
“If you don’t want to be guarded against, then limit your interference. No matter if you are the World Tree, there’s a limit to my patience.”
“Such impudent human behavior. Even after dozens of failures, you still haven’t learned your lesson.”
“…It’s not failure. Opportunities are made.”
“Is that so?”
Do you really think you can earn that child’s love with such an attitude? The kind being swallowed back the words that hadn’t yet escaped his lips. He was a being of love, loving everything before him, even the child about to break.
After a long standoff, the kind being finally nodded.
“Fine. Try it your way then.”
“It’s always been that way. So, I don’t need your permission.”
“Indeed.”
The kind being laughed softly, looking at the child who retorted sharply. Suddenly, he remembered the first time he had met the child, a memory from a distant past.
“Please, please help me. Aren’t you an all-powerful being? I’ll offer myself in return, please, please.”
Back then, it was cute, but now…
The affectionate being now gazed into the white eyes of a child, whose future seemed bleak with not even an inch visible. Having rewound time dozens of times, there was no way the child’s body could be intact.
First to break was the child’s emotions. The emotions of a child who endured things unbearable for a human became dulled, eventually ceasing to exist in black or white.
Next to break was the child’s sense of touch.
More precisely, the nerves that felt pain in the child were damaged, so even if there were injuries, the child couldn’t feel the pain. They simply watched as bright red blood flowed silently down pale skin.
Third to break were the child’s sense of smell and taste. The child discarded even the most primal happiness they could feel as a human. No matter how delicious or fragrant the food, the child couldn’t smile. They ate to survive.
Then, fourth, the child’s vision began to deteriorate. Slowly fading, the child’s sight was completely shattered after the last chance. Now, the child wouldn’t know who was in front of them without magic. That fact saddened the affectionate being deeply.
“Just one last time, just one more time.”
The child, oblivious to the affectionate being’s feelings, continued to beg to the empty air. Kneeling on damp ground, looking up at the sky, the child’s face was full of desperate hope.
If they were to realize they weren’t looking at a transparent sky but a solid white wall, what expression would the child make?
Unable to feel emotions, shall I laugh?
Unable to sense pain, shall I stab myself?
Unable to taste, shall I ruin this place?
Unable to smell, shall I deny reality?
No, a child blinded from birth will never face the truth. The child will continue to pray to the wall, not to the sky. Please, give me a chance. Please. Please.
“My child.”
The tender being put down the rabbit it was holding and grasped the child’s chin, to ensure the child who couldn’t feel pain wouldn’t hurt.
“I’ll send you back.”
Once again, I have no choice but to let you go because I love you too much. So even if you break, I can only grant what you wish for.
The tender being, with a gentle swish, caught a falling leaf and pressed it onto the child’s forehead. Now the child, drained of strength, won’t be able to open the gap in time by themselves. Thus, isn’t it inevitable that someone must open it for them?
“My child. This is the last time.”
“……”
“You mustn’t be stubborn next time. If you miss the opportunity again and return, I won’t send you back. Then you’ll just have to play with the rabbits here.”
“All that nonsense…”
“But if by any chance you seize this opportunity, then, my dear, never come back. Live by letting yourself flow with the passage of time.”
You are worthy of love,
a creature of mine worthy enough to love.
Such a tender being sent forth a child.
That was the love of the tender being.
***
“Sigh.”
Tommy opened his eyes. The biting cold of midwinter, as if shredding his skin, was the worst feeling. Ugh. He jerked up, but unable to hold his balance, he retched.
After spending some time sprawled on the ground, retching, he came to his senses. “Am I back?” he thought, trying to look around, but he couldn’t see anything.
“Ah, right. My eyesight is ruined.”
Eventually, Tommy realized his predicament and let out a bitter smile. Then, lying on the ground covered with a thin layer of snow, he breathed deeply, feeling the snowflakes falling on his face.
He wished he could know when he had returned to, but unfortunately, because his touch, smell, taste, and sight were all blocked, he felt despair.
Tommy decided to wait until someone passed by to ask them, killing time lost in his thoughts.
The first time he turned back time was simply to save Selena. Selena died when the Duke of Obelton killed her family because they had angered the Third Prince. It was a truly regrettable death.
So, he saved her. And then, he witnessed the child’s death again. This time, trying to save a young prince who was running away from the Third Prince’s minion, he died at the hands of that minion. It was a truly futile death.
So, I saved them again. And once more, I witnessed the death of that child. This time, after everything came to an end and I went down to the outskirts of the empire to live with the child, they were stabbed to death by an unknown assailant. It was truly futile, regrettable, no, ridiculous, no, no.
I kept on saving and watching them die, repeating the process of saving and witnessing death. I always changed the things I missed in the last opportunity and changed the cause, but the outcome was always the same. Like that, I wasted ninety-eight chances.
My senses became so distorted, four of them were useless, and one device failed to function properly.
Still, I wanted to save them, so I continued. And I saved them.
In the last, that is, in the previous cycle, the child survived. They lived and even got married to a commoner and had a child.
But even then, something felt amiss. If only the barrier that blocked the entry of beings from the demon world had not collapsed, I would have continued to protect the child.
“Damn.”
Now, I didn’t even hope to be happy with the child. I only wished for the child to live and to see them with my own two eyes. Those were the only two things I wished for. Now that my vision ended up like this, the second wish would be impossible forever.
“Damn. Damn.”
No luck at all. Better take away my voice and give back my sight. How am I supposed to protect the child like this?
Tommy chuckled, then burst into laughter, and then he cried. He cried out of sheer sadness. Was this sorrow? Or joy? Ah, Tommy cried out of happiness. Or was it anger? It’s more accurate to say he cried out of anger, isn’t it? But no matter what, he cried until he had no more tears left.
In the midst of it all,
“…Mo! Nurse…!”
A delicate voice could be heard from somewhere. Tommy sprang up at the sound. Ah. Ah. Ah.
“…Little Miss.”
Like a person bewitched, Tommy moved through the darkness. He quickened his pace, filled with joy as if he had been wandering the desert for a long time and then stumbled upon an oasis.
As he drew closer to the scent of flowers, the tears stopped, and laughter appeared on his lips. It was a secret transformation that even Tommy himself was not aware of.
So, it’s back to this moment. I’ve returned to the same period as the 50th cycle. So this time, that child must be lost and crying again. And it’s my duty to safely bring that child back to the mansion.
Then, I must hide in the mansion’s laundry room to create a fake identity and wait for the child. Ah, I can wait as long as it takes. And then, I must become friends with that child once again.
Yes. This time, I will write the perfect ending.
“Little miss!”
“……”
“I’m here to pick you up. Sorry for being late.”
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
Suddenly, the sound of the second hand moving seemed to ring in my ears.
It was the beginning of the 100th time.
