Chapter 106
Unlike Jeremy’s sharp, piercing gaze, Helena’s eyes remained calm.
Instead, her pupils moved quickly.
She memorized every detail of the children’s faces as if this might be the last time she would ever see them, afraid that even a single image might fade from her memory. At the same time, she carefully observed their condition.
Jeremy was first.
His eyes looked even sharper than when they first met. Perhaps it was because he had lost weight. He had barely put on enough flesh to fill out his face, but now it seemed as though all of it had disappeared. The one relief was that he didn’t look sick.
That first winter. She remembered how small and thin his clothes had seemed on him—it had weighed on her heart. But now, at least, she could be reassured. His nanny would take care of him. Still, she worried about when he was alone. Jeremy was particularly sensitive to loneliness; if Joshua or Caligo weren’t around, he struggled emotionally. She wished he would never have to go through such times again at the mansion.
Next was Joshua.
On the surface, he was a cool-headed little adult, but deep down, he was a kind-hearted child. Unlike Jeremy, Joshua knew how to take care of himself. However, he carried burdens that were never his to bear, always weighed down by guilt. She wished he could be more forgiving toward himself. And she hoped he would learn to be less wary of those outside his circle.
This might be her last conversation with them. There was no telling when they would meet again.
With so little time left, Helena had so much she wanted to say to them. Yet, when the moment came, she couldn’t find the right words. She didn’t know how to say them.
“I’m sorry, kids.”
That was all she could manage.
“I’m sorry for leaving so suddenly. I really tried to stay by your side as long as possible… but it wasn’t easy.”
“Helena.”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry.”
The one who spoke first was, unexpectedly, Joshua.
He had told himself to accept their farewell with composure. Even if she left the mansion, they could find a way to meet again. But now, standing in front of her, he couldn’t hold back his tears.
“…Why? Why are you apologizing?”
“I feel like there’s so much I couldn’t do for you.”
Joshua lowered his head and murmured.
“I’m sorry, Helena. I… I really tried my best. I told people it wasn’t true, I tried to speak to Father, I did everything I could… but nothing worked.”
“…”
“I wanted to protect you too. But I couldn’t do anything. I’m really sorry.”
Standing up for her—defending her—that was the best an inexperienced child like Joshua could do. Whether or not it had an effect wasn’t important.
“I’m so sorry, Helena!”
Just the fact that Joshua had stepped forward for her meant everything.
Helena suppressed the aching in her heart.
Even now, Joshua was blaming himself for his helplessness.
Seeing him like this, her hesitation vanished, and her mind settled into clarity.
“This isn’t your fault, Joshua.”
“…”
He lifted his tear-filled eyes to look at her.
“None of what happened is your fault.”
“…But still—”
“And even if you did make mistakes, so what? You’re still a child.”
“…”
“It’s okay. Even if you do something wrong, you have the ability to fix it. And there are people who will help you.”
“…”
“So don’t take everything upon yourself as if it’s all your fault.”
Hearing these words exchanged made the reality of their farewell feel all the more vivid.
Even now, if she closed her eyes, she could still picture the memories of when she first met these children—the times they spent together were as clear as ever.
Setting the table and sharing meals,
Teasing each other over the smallest things,
Taking carefree afternoon naps.
‘I should have done more for them.’
Looking back on those days, a wave of regret swept over her.
Tears threatened to spill, but she held them back.
‘There’s not much time left.’
Helena looked at Joshua, whose eyes brimmed with unshed tears, and at Jeremy, standing behind him.
“I have something to say, so listen carefully.”
Her voice was steady as she spoke, despite the emotions welling up inside her.
“Summer will be here soon, kids.”
Though she was saying goodbye, her tone remained calm and unwavering.
“When the weather suddenly warms up, don’t dress too lightly. If you go out, make sure to bring a light jacket.”
The moment felt so peaceful, so composed, that it didn’t feel like a farewell at all.
“And when you come back home, take a bath right away.”
“…Okay.”
But as Joshua listened to her gentle worries, the weight of their parting became undeniable. He couldn’t lift his head, only managing a quiet response.
“Make sure to make friends. I didn’t have many myself.”
Even as she kept talking, the feeling of regret wouldn’t go away.
“If things don’t go your way, don’t give up. Just step outside and take a break.”
It was heartbreaking.
“And the most important thing is—”
Ah, maybe…
“Don’t skip meals. The servants put a lot of care into preparing your food, so try not to leave anything behind. Just grow up healthy.”
Maybe she had wanted to see them grow into adults.
Maybe she had wanted to be there, right beside them, watching them become wonderful people—so different from herself.
Of course, that was a wish she would never be granted.
Suppressing the tremble in her voice, she gazed at the children.
“Kids.”
‘This is the last time. Don’t cry. That’s the one thing you mustn’t do.’
“Thank you… for everything.”
Helena forced a smile onto her face, even as her expression threatened to crumble with emotion.
She had to act like an adult. She couldn’t let herself look weak in front of them.
“Thank you for accepting someone like me.”
But the children were struggling to contain their own emotions.
Joshua kept wiping his tears, and Jeremy—he had turned his back completely.
“You.”
Then, for the first time, Jeremy spoke.
“Who do you think you are, lecturing me like that?”
Even as his flushed face streamed with tears, he was furious.
“I told you, didn’t I?! I never accepted you as my mother! You were nothing but an intruder, and to me… to me, you were nothing! You meant absolutely nothing to me!”
“Yeah.”
Jeremy’s thorny words didn’t hurt her the way they once had.
“I don’t need someone like you! It doesn’t matter to me whether you’re here or not!”
“Hey, Jeremy!”
As if lashing out in desperation, Jeremy spun around and ran off.
It was disappointing. If this was truly the last time, she had at least wanted to meet his eyes one final time.
But until the very end, he never once looked at her.
“Joshua.”
“…Yes.”
“I know I have no right to ask this, but please take care of Jeremy.”
“…I know.”
“Try not to leave him alone too often.”
“I know that too.”
Joshua bit his lip before asking,
“You really can’t stay, can you?”
“…”
She had no answer.
Joshua seemed to take her silence as confirmation. Without another word, his tears fell freely.
“Joshua.”
“…Yes.”
“Can I hug you just once?”
Without a word, they wrapped their arms around each other.
His small body was overflowing with warmth.
There was still so much she wanted to say.
‘Thank you. I’m sorry. Don’t skip meals. Take care of yourself. Don’t get sick.’
So many things.
But if there was one thing she needed to say above all else—
“Just grow up healthy, okay?”
“Why do you keep talking like this is the end?”
His voice was sharp with accusation.
“Even if you leave the mansion, we can still see each other sometimes, right?”
“…”
Truthfully, she wasn’t sure.
Sure, even if she returned to Eskel, she might be able to secretly meet with Joshua now and then.
If only she weren’t a patient.
But time would pass. Her condition would worsen.
There might come a point when she could no longer even move on her own.
If that happened, would she ever be able to see him again?
“I won’t accept that. Even if you don’t want me to, I’ll find a way. I’ll set fire to Eskel if I have to, fight off the guards—whatever it takes. You do know how strong I am, right?”
“Just let that one go, please.”
“No way.”
Helena tapped the tip of his nose.
“I’ll be busy for a while after I get back to Eskel.”
“…If that’s the case, I guess I have no choice.”
“But I’ll write to you often.”
“Promise. Right now.”
Joshua held out his pinky. Without hesitation, she hooked her finger around his.
“Take care.”
With that final farewell, Helena stepped onto the carriage.
Even then, Joshua’s longing gaze clung to her.
If she let her own emotions show, it would only make it harder for him—so she kept smiling until the very end.
And then, as the carriage began to move, and Joshua faded into the distance…
Helena turned her eyes to the Frantor mansion, growing smaller beyond the window.
‘This really is the end.’
Hey Guys you can read advanced chapters on Patreon
If you liked my work and want to support me then you can visit my page for tips. As I can’t create Kofi because of the unavailability of Paypal in my country, I’ve made this tier which is being updated every week so that you won’t be charged again till you want to donate again by yourself or you can exit the tier after donating 🙂.
Happy Reading 🩷
So.. we’re all sobbing, right?
I did 😢
Omg ! I love Joshua 😭😭😭😭😭
Can a novel break you? Yes, and more than that, this novel drains my feelings.