Episode 120
More than anything else in the world, my beloved Swan.
You’ve already written nine letters this year. Every time you have something to say, you write it down. There’s already a stack of paper piled up, and it’s not even spring yet. If it keeps piling up, should I ask to bind it into a book?
You always liked those stiff books. I still remember when you spread out those enormous books that could cover your thighs and read. To me, they were just filled with words I couldn’t understand, but you read for hours without getting tired. I remember thinking if I ever gave you a book as a gift, it should have a stiff cover.
Honestly, I didn’t love books that much. I only looked at them because you liked them. I enjoyed watching you read more than the books themselves.
So, how are you these days? Do you still like stiff books? Or have you found a new hobby? It’s a bit sad that I can’t know your preferences immediately like before because we’re far apart. But I guess you’d say anything is fine, right? I know everything. There probably won’t be anyone who knows you as well as I do.
I went to the palace today. Actually, I spend more time at the palace these days than at the mansion. I’m preparing to inherit Dad’s work. So, it’s about succession. I knew it, but to become a duke, you need a lot of preparation. And I have to be recognized by the Emperor too. It’s temporary, but I’ve also received a knighthood. Of course, I can’t really wield a sword, but all high nobles need a title fitting for a “knight.”
It’s difficult, isn’t it? I thought I would know more as time passed, but as the days go by, I feel like I know less. Like you, and like a duchess, I wanted to become wiser. Is that something you’re born with? I don’t know what you’d say if you saw me now.
I still can’t erase thoughts of you, Swan. The happiest times for me were when you were around. Even if I lived a rough life wearing rough clothes and going hungry, I still miss those days. Back then, I didn’t know about your death, or what came after, or what I had to do next. Remembering ignorance might be a bad habit, but sometimes, I can’t stop remembering it when I miss you.
You were my brightest summer day, my rainbow in the drizzle, and the blue sky of my childhood.
When you’re young, everything looks big and blue when you look up. Maybe the most common color children see is the blue of the sky. If a child raised seeing such a thing looks up at the sky, they’ll surely recall the color of their childhood. The sky they look up at will always be blue, but it’ll never be the same as the memories of their childhood. Right?
So, I’m waiting for a sky even more beautiful than you. Because you’re a memory of unforgettably bright ignorance. Just as you blinded me, something will surely blind me again someday. And when that happens, I might write fewer letters to you.
If that never happens, then… I’ll wait for the day I meet you again.
Until the day you blind me again. I miss you so much, Swan.
Always loving you, Lillian.
cover
A melted wax fell onto the envelope. When the stamp is removed, you can see the crimson seal of a lily pattern embossed on the paper. Lillian’s ninth letter went back into the drawer.
Writing letters became a new habit for Lillian. Cedric found out that she had been writing diaries to give to Swan, which also contributed to it.
– How about writing letters instead of a diary?
– Letters?
– Yes. Think of it as writing to a distant friend, as if Swan is simply far away. And when you seal it, no one can read your letter except Swan. It’s only for Swan, no one else.
Writing daily about her daily life to Swan was one of Lillian’s compulsions and habits that she couldn’t let go of. Changing that into letters would give Lillian a little more space to let go of Swan.
Unlike a diary, which can be read anytime, someone who writes letters every day knows that once the wax seal is stamped, it can’t be opened again. Above all, she hoped for the effect of making Swan perceive Swan’s death as simply being far away.
Lillian accepted Cedric’s advice and wrote dozens of letters. At first, she wrote almost daily, like writing a diary, but later, it gradually decreased. Ten letters a month, then five, then three…
By the time she wrote less than ten letters in a season, Lillian turned twenty-five.
Cedric promptly decided to hand over the ducal seat to Lillian and also publicly announced the fact that Lillian was Agnes’s stepdaughter.
With all opposition cut off, everything was swiftly concluded.
The succession ceremony is next week.
And Lillian found herself once again at a crossroads of choices she didn’t really want to make.
“Have you made up your mind, miss?”
“…I’m not sure.”
“Why? Don’t you like the marriage prospects recommended by the duke?”
“Well, rather than that…”
At Nisha’s question, Lillian glanced out the window. Outside, there were Maynard’s knights and Theo passing by, chatting.
“I’m just curious.”
* * *
Theo liked Lillian. No, he likes her. Lillian was aware of that much.
Theo doesn’t pay attention to just anyone, nor does he show such affection to just anyone. Only Lillian could make him show deference, get angry, and be embraced whenever she wanted.
But the two weren’t lovers. Because Theo never confessed his feelings to Lillian.
Until now, she had been okay with that. After all, even if Lillian were dating Theo, she didn’t expect any significant changes, and for Lillian, any man other than Theo was unimaginable. Since there wasn’t any immediate reason to meet, she thought this relationship was fine as it was.
‘But isn’t it different now?’
Marriage naturally follows after succession. Once Lillian accepted the ducal seat, she couldn’t be free from this constraint. Cedric recommended suitable marriage candidates to Lillian, and now all the attention at Maynard Manor was on who Lillian’s man would be. Theo, a knight of the Maynard ducal family, must have heard about it.
The problem is that Theo is avoiding her since then!
‘Why on earth?!’
Lillian was angry. Just a little. Because Lillian knew Theo as well as he knew her.
‘Surely he’s not thinking of keeping his distance because he likes me from afar and wants to protect me, right?’
If he’s entertaining absurd thoughts of keeping his distance now that she’s going to marry someone else, it’s even more awkward.
‘Dad has already given permission for the marriage!’
Yes. Lillian had already expressed her desire to marry Theo to Cedric, and she had received enthusiastic permission. If only Theo would confess, everything would be resolved, but the person in question is behaving like this. Still, Lillian had no intention of clinging to Theo and begging him to marry her.
‘Do whatever you want. I’ll ignore you too.”’
…But is he really not planning to confess?
“Really?”
During her walk, just as she was pondering this, a voice suddenly came from behind.
“Lillian.”
“….!”
Startled, she turned around, and there was the face she had been eagerly waiting for.
Now a young man with red hair matured to the point where she couldn’t call him a boy anymore, Theo.
With a rare lack of confidence, he asked,
“Can we talk… for a moment?”
TL/N: This chapter had two beautiful illustrations covers, sadly I couldn’t obtain them. If any of you guys manage to get those covers, please DM me on Discord at #bree2798.
