No Need For Regrets

Chapter 73

– I thought I shouldn’t go, but I had nowhere else to run.

Lexion’s neat handwriting was reflected in Seriniel’s calm eyes.

– My mother passed away a week ago. It was news I heard right after returning from the war. I couldn’t even find out where she was buried. I begged several times, even knelt, but all I got in return was mockery.

“…….”

– I’m so used to such things, but sometimes there are unbearably painful days. Like today. If I were in the middle of the battlefield, I wouldn’t have even had the time to feel this pain. Should I have not returned? Should I have just died there?

The words were written calmly.

Although they were written calmly, Seriniel knew. She knew very well that the process of calmly expressing emotions that must have choked and strangled him was not easy at all.

– I desperately needed a place to escape to. When I came to my senses, I found myself standing blankly in front of the Viscount’s mansion. Listening to your voice coming from a slightly open window, like a thief. I should have held back.

Seriniel imagined him. Wandering aimlessly with nowhere to go…

Standing blankly in front of the Viscount’s mansion.

– The last time I saw you was also right after finishing the war, so it had been months since I saw your face and heard your voice. You seemed to be doing well. Your laughter sounded joyful. I hoped you would keep laughing. So I thought… if only I could hear it from close by, I would sell my soul. But I know that will never happen.

“…….”

– After watching you endlessly, I came back and had a deep sleep after a long time. Then I had a dream. It was the dream of that day when you first reached out to me.

[Get up, quickly.]

The memory of Lexion’s face, staring at his hand on the debutante day, flashed through her mind.

– I woke up at dawn and thought. If I were an ordinary noble, so when you asked my name, I could have proudly told you my surname and name… everything would have been different.

Tears quietly welled up in Seriniel’s eyes.

– I vowed again to forget, to let go. But I know. On days when my heart collapses and is torn apart, I will find myself unknowingly back at the Viscount’s mansion. I will never forget that day.

How many times did Lexion make the same vow? And how many times did that vow collapse along with his heart? Seriniel could not easily know.

– It must have been just pity. You probably don’t even remember. Yet I hate myself for not being able to let you go. I hate myself for not being able to approach you. I keep endlessly hating myself. It’s ridiculous. I’ve been treated like a bug all my life, but I’ve never hated myself this much.

“…….”

– If you knew all this, what expression would you make? Would you look at me with disgust? Be afraid? You wouldn’t smile at me kindly and warmly like that day. But it’s okay. I’m used to such things. I just want to face you, look into your eyes… and call your name. Just once. That’s all. It has to be.

Silent, transparent tears fell onto the old journal very quietly.

– I wander through this meaningless dream, shattering again and again… but I wish, Seriniel, that your night is warm and kind.

The letter ended there. Seriniel slowly turned the page.

The old notebook was filled with letters to Seriniel.

Unable to reach her, Lexion had lived, suppressing his emotions.

And whenever loneliness, solitude, and longing overwhelmed him like a tidal wave, he wrote letters he couldn’t send, calling her name freely in here.

– The doctor said it was a miracle that I survived. But I wondered if that miracle was really a good thing. Then I changed my mind, at least it gave me one more chance to see you, even from afar.

Among the short letters, some had slightly shaky handwriting, perhaps due to injuries.

– I had a dream. A dream where you appeared. We didn’t do anything special. I just called your name, and you smiled at me. I didn’t want to wake up. I wished to be trapped in that dream. But unfortunately, I woke up. I don’t want to forget, so I’m writing this.

It seemed to be written in a hurry, as if he had just woken up.

– I don’t like those foolish parties, but there was something I wanted to ask you.

…There was also a letter that seemed to be the most recent.

– When I asked if you were happy, you said you were.

[Are you happy, Seriniel Verdellete?]

[Yes, I am happy.]

…The conversation from some time ago seemed to ring clearly in her ears.

– I wanted to be by your side somehow. So I became a duke and took over the family. But I realized, from the beginning, I was never… entitled to appear in your life and interfere with your future.

“…….”

– You don’t know any of this, but in the face of your happiness, my days are meaningless. It was all settled with your single answer that you were happy. Whatever that means.

Seriniel’s face was wet with tears. She cried silently, unable to make a sound.

– I will never forget you for the rest of my life. But that’s okay. I’ve never expected to be able to forget.

She thought she understood Lexion’s heart.

But it was arrogant. His true feelings were far more earnest and greater than Seriniel had ever imagined.

– I wanted to tell you that, how dazzling and beautiful you are, and how kind and gentle you are… I may not be able to hold you, but that’s okay. I have the memory of that day. That day’s you will live in me forever, so it’s as if I have a part of you. Yes. That’s enough for me.

“…….”

– I wish you happiness, Seriniel. May all your misfortunes come to me, and all my happiness go to you.

That was the last letter.

Seriniel slowly closed the notebook.

Then, with her head bowed, she wept endlessly.

How much must it have hurt? How lonely must it have been? How much solitude did he endure?

Seriniel turned her head and silently gazed at the sleeping Lexion.

…Lexion had made a very foolish worry.

In Seriniel’s eyes, Lexion Rosenvester was not a pitiful, miserable person. He was not an unsightly, detestable person either.

He was just a lovable person.

So endlessly lovable that he made her heart ache, made her worry about his past loneliness, and made her heart race with emotions she had never felt before.

[Let’s do it conditionally. Like you said, in a year…]

And then Seriniel realized.

[If at that time you still find that you cannot trust me at all, I will do as you wish.]

She realized that Lexion’s promise would never be fulfilled. Not now, not ever.

[I… no longer intend to trust anyone, and I won’t. Especially if the feelings they hold are personal. And this will remain the same. Forever, until I die.]

Those words were not a lie. They were the truth. She did not want to trust anyone. She did not want to love anyone. She did not want to be hurt again. She had neither the heart nor the strength left for that.

…But how could she not love a person like this?

How could she not love someone who, even in moments she was unaware of, constantly thought of her, held onto the memory of her from some time past, and couldn’t let go?

Such a way did not exist in this world.

He wouldn’t hurt her, but even if she did get hurt, it didn’t matter anymore.

As long as it was something given by Lexion.

“…….”

Seriniel quietly sat back down beside Lexion. She silently wept without making a sound and then, cautiously reached out to gently caress his cheek.

But her touch did not continue.

Because Lexion suddenly opened his eyes.

“…….”

In Lexion’s black eyes, which had just woken up, Seriniel’s tear-streaked face was reflected.