By the Time You Came Around, It Was Already Too Late

“I’m busy right now, so just go back…”

“Archduke, please divorce me.”

A light voice echoed throughout the quiet room. The man who’d been gesturing with his hand, as if he was annoyed, froze.

Only then did he look straight at me, frowning.

At one time, that face scared me more than anything else, but it didn’t matter anymore.

“Are you saying you have somewhere else to go?”

I didn’t flinch at his words, even as their meaning stabbed painfully at my heart. He was referring to how I was abandoned by the imperial palace.

The sarcasm in his voice no longer made me sad.

Perhaps it was because I’d shaken off all my regrets, but my heart, which used to pound at a single word from him, did not react at all, as if dead.

-Bang!

“Karl…!”

Just as I was about to respond, the door to the office swung open and a familiar woman’s voice poured in.

Lovely pink hair fluttered in the air. The woman’s eyes widened as she hurried to the Archduke’s side, glancing back and forth between the two of us.

It was clear what’d happened. She probably came rushing over after hearing that I had gone to the Archduke’s office alone.

She was shameless enough to make him believe everything was a lie, that she hadn’t tried to kill me.

She was a red flag.

“Karl, what’s going on?”

The voice of Sasha, a woman with sparkling rabbit-like eyes, rang through the quiet office.

Archduke and Karl.

There was such a large difference, even in the titles we used to call him.

I barely suppressed a sigh and raised the corners of my mouth before the Archduke could reply to his lover.

“I want to give you a gift, Sasha.”

“…A gift?”

“That’s right.”

I approached the Archduke’s desk and laid down the document that already held my signature.

“The answer to what you asked earlier is yes, Archduke.”

So, I would like you to answer that you will take care of it, you hate me anyway.

At my words, the Archduke looked at me, then the documents in turn with a puzzled expression.

Why does he look so surprised? This is the document he gave me himself.

“Wait a minute, you know…”

“Karl.”

I tilted my head and watched the man and woman make eye contact, whispering something.

“……Alright, alright, I’ll take care of it.”

Finally, with his confirmation given, I walked out of the office without even looking back.

The office was on the fifth floor, the top of the mansion. Thanks to this, I was able to see the entire residence while leaning over the railing.

Employees were wandering around below. The mansion was vast.

To some, it might be a viewed as a place they would love to step foot in, at least once, but to me, it was nothing more than a stuffy prison.

3 years. I have already spent 3 years here. It may seem short when I say it like this, but it was the most painful time for me.

And today, I threw away all the restraints that had been placed on me.

An abandoned princess, a mere Archduchess, both titles were in name only.

These are titles I will never put before my name again.

I raised the corners of my mouth in relief.

My life as someone’s doll is now over.

 

* * * *

 

“Marry Archduke Ludwig.”

My marriage was decided, I was allowed no say in the matter.

The eyes of my father, the Emperor, were cold as he looked at me and spoke.

As if he were looking at something worthless. No, it went beyond that, they contained contempt.

I wasn’t surprised.

I was the Emperor’s illegitimate child.

Because the royal family was lacking descendants, I was given the title of princess, but that was it.

I was an illegitimate child, conceived by a drugged emperor and a maid he been with only once.

My mother, a maid who was a fallen aristocrat, was fearless and used drugs to seduce the emperor.

I heard that it was abnormal for a woman to become pregnant if she didn’t plan properly, so why was I suddenly conceived through a one-time affair?

My very existence was a hindrance, an object of scorn, to the Empress and the Emperor, who had a good relationship.

Every time they saw me, they would be reminded of my mother, who was already dead and gone.

Neither the Emperor nor the Empress had ever even come to see me, but whatever.

There was no way the Empress would like me, the child of a woman who used drugs to steal a night with the Emperor. Even her child, the Crown Prince, looked at me with disdain.

The insulting nickname ‘abandoned princess’ was given to me. Everyone in the imperial family ignored and loathed me.

I’d craved their love when I was younger, but that was just a distant memory I could barely remember now.

Every day, I crouched in front of the palace of the man I called my father. Since the main palace was strictly guarded, only those with permission could enter. I’d sit in the garden in front of it, in a place that was not easily visible to the employees.

I waited to see my father, even in the rain, and because of that, though I’d sometimes catch a fever, I still crouched down in front of the main palace.

Since there was more than one person who saw me at that time, the Emperor must have known I was there, but he never came out.

I sent letters to the main palace every day, written in a child’s sloppy handwriting, but they were all returned, torn to shreds.

Still, I didn’t give up.

As a child, I was constantly hungry for love and attention from my father.

If I’d been loved by the person they called my mother, I might not have done that.

However, as I was always exposed to violence from my mother who was with me, I realized early on that I wouldn’t be able to receive love from her, so I clung to the idea of my father, who was far away.

It’s just that, as I grew older, I got a little tired.

My mother was constantly crying and verbally abused me every day, and my only nanny ran away somewhere and was nowhere to be seen.

The environment around me made me mature faster than my peers.

I learned how to endure pain and hold back my tears, even when sharp objects were thrown at me by my mother. I also learned not to show any signs of illness.

Because I lacked the strength to escape from my situation, I craved attention from others. I longed for my father’s love.

I constantly sent letters to the main palace. In them I told him how hard my life was and asked for help. No, I asked for them to save me.

No matter how mature I was for my age, I was still just a child at the time.

Just a small, skinny, insignificant girl.

There was clearly a limit to what a child could endure.

I think, in the beginning, I had some form of hope even when the first letter was torn up and returned. I expected it was because there was some mistake I’d made. My father would pay attention to me. He would get me out of this painful situation in a little while.

But no matter how long I waited, he never came.

I tried my best to reach my father. I foolishly thought that if the Empress spoke to him, my father might listen, so I sent a letter to the Empress’s palace.

What I received in response was the rough hand of my half-brother, who slapped the letter in my face.

No one helped me.

I was sad.

I was angry.

It wasn’t my choice to be born.

I wasn’t like this because I wanted to be.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I just had a really hard time. I just needed someone to rely on.

The children’s’ books that contained ‘ordinary families’ in the palace were read until they were worn out.

They contained peaceful and calm daily lives where parents, younger sisters, younger brothers, older sisters, and older brothers bickered, but still loved each other.

I craved the things that some people thought were ‘ordinary’, so I held onto my hopes, refusing to give up.

The Empress’ Palace could be seen from afar. The Empress and Emperor would hold hands and my half-brother would be smiling in the middle. It could all be seen in the distance.

It seemed like I’d be able to reach them if I just stretched out my hand a little, making it even harder to give up.

 

‘Why is she bothering them so much? She’s just the daughter of a criminal who used drugs to seduce His Majesty the Emperor.’

‘On the subject of the abandoned princess…’

‘She’s just something that deserves to die.’

 

The servants of the imperial palace whispered to each other when they saw me out in the garden.

Those words stuck in my heart when I was young.

Then one day, mother died.

Black smoke once again covered my gray world.

The mother in my memories inflicted one-sided violence onto me until the end.

 

‘It’s your fault the emperor doesn’t come to visit.’

 

She’d shout out those words loudly, telling me to ‘just disappear’ then threw old pottery and vases at random, leaving me covered in blood.

It all pushed me to my limits, like an endless nightmare.

That person died.

People came to the old palace to pick up the body of my dead mother.

They cursed her as they looked at my mother’s body, swaying in the air. I was pushed into a corner of the room, far away from everything that was happening.

Even though they showed disgusted expressions, not a single glance was directed at me.

I was completely ignored.

After everyone left, I looked at my aching body.

Scars from being hit by objects thrown by my mother were visible all over my skin.

“Haha… Hahaha, hahaha!”

The younger me burst into dry laughter.

Ordinary? It wasn’t even funny.

Attention, love. Those were things that were given very naturally to some people. It was something I had longed for since I was young, but I foolishly realized the truth only then.

No, it might be more accurate to say I was forced to accept the truth.

I was completely alone in this barren world, this dull, gray world.

Love was a luxury. I’d be bound by my mother’s sins for the rest of my life and would be mercilessly ridiculed by people.

A thick wall was built around my heart. I forgot how to smile. Likewise, I’d also forgotten how to shed tears.

At some point, it became too difficult to endure people’s looks of disgust and contempt.

Even though I’d been receiving it my whole life, the stares that pricked my skin were too much to bear.

I hadn’t taken a single step outside the palace since I was 15 years old.

It was stuffy, but I knew that even more misery would await me if I went outside, so I passed the time in vain.

And on the day in question, my father, whose face I had forgotten, called for me.

The Emperor announced in front of everyone that my marriage partner had been decided.

I quietly looked at my father’s face and nodded expressionlessly.

Did he know?

That that day was my birthday.

The answer came quickly.

No, he had no clue.

I shook off the foolish thought I’d had for a moment and turned my back.

I think I felt a little relieved. In any case, it was time to escape this imperial palace.

At the time, I had no idea that where the Archduke was taking me would push me even farther into the abyss.